Tangled Child

Yet again, it's been awhile folks. Whoever is out there listening, if anyone.
I know what we were talking about was hypothetical and lame but...it bugged me.
So don't think I'm crazy, but we were kind of talking about wedding invitations. It's not what you are thinking...there was an old one from one of our fellow site leaders on the fridge in my house. He was saying that when he got married, he wouldn't do the whole crazy invitation thing and his wife would just understand he didn't want it.
And so I talked about "his wife." Like she was this imaginary woman we couldn't even fathom. And that bugged me. It's not that I wanted to get married to him. It wasn't really that at all. But it was that if we dated long enough I could see that happening. So him referring to his wife as this separate entity made me so sad. Call me crazy. Maybe Utah is just rubbing off on me a little too much. But I did want to get married someday. And maybe someday that could be him. Not today of course. Oh no. But....
It was like he could see no future for us. This was the problem we had had before. We didn't have that long of a shelf life. And that hurt me. September was our ultimate deadline and it was looming. Summer would be hard...so much space. I worked a lot and I know he did too. That didn't help my nerves. It was shortening the deadline somehow.
I felt nervous again.
And I found myself being annoyed by stupid things. Girls paying attention to him. The attention he provided them because of that. Oh. Why did that bug me? I knew they thought he was cool, even if he couldn't see it. And it made me angry. I could see the wheels in their heads calculating when we would break up, waiting for the moment. I could see them smiling at the small victory of winning his attention instead of mine.
Man.
I'm crazy.

Curiosity Killed the Cat...and then the cat came back, the very next day

Hey....
It's been a while.
Look at this girl.
Who is she?
The one who lets herself get hurt?
The one that lets doubt eat away at her.
She is Sara.
I know I shouldn't have gone looking...AGAIN. But I did. Curse facebook and it's many powerful abilities. It was this time preserver, of this time before me, and all the times afterward and it made me extremely sad.
So why did I let it?
Why did I seek it out if I knew this is what it would do to me?
Because I knew it was there, and just by existing it haunted me. So I had to double check, maybe half hoping when I pulled it up that I had made a mistake, that I was wrong. Of course I wasn't.
It was worse than I remembered, and it sent me into a tumult of anxiety and sadness.
Worst of all, I felt ignored. Maybe I was wrong. But is it my fault I sought out the attention? And that I would have done anything to get it? More than any third party could ever imagine?
Would this ever go away? Could I ever be convinced?
I didn't know.
Things didn't seem to be able to go back to the way they were.
I may have been toned down, I may have been trying less hard, but it still felt like I was trying the hardest. Why was that?
I didn't know how to make the pieces go back together.