Hey Soul Sister

I had found Sara.
Somewhere amongst the bright new clothes and driving with the window open looking at the leaves, I knew. I knew she was still there, ready to be her, shining and beautiful.
She knew what she loved and hated, she knew what she liked and didn't, she knew where she was going and what she wanted, but also knew life still had some surprises ready to teach her more about life. Life sucked sometimes, but she could hold onto herself, right here.
Plan for body peace breakdowns:
1. Buy some new cute clothes.
2. Put on whatever looks best if #1 isn't an option.
3. If that doesn't work, but on your favorite bikini and dance around.
4. Get a boy to do something for you without flirting ;)
5. Take a shower. Get dolled up.
In the worst of situations, sometimes body peace wasn't the problem. The problem was Sara, shutting herself and her emotions down.
1. Talk to a friend.
2. Dress sexy, and walk around like you own the place.
3. Hug everyone you see.
4. Remember everything you do.
5. Stay busy with all those things you remembered.
6. Go for a hike, go for a swim, get your body moving and refuse to think.
7. Find a new obsession.
8. Get lost in an old one.
9. Go look at the leaves, get lost in nature.
This was a pact I was making with myself. To be better. To be Sara.
And I knew she could do it.

"The smell of you in every single dream I dream...Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo the way you move ain't fair you know."
~ Hey Soul Sister, Train

Brand New

I didn't know what this was, but I was along for the ride for this moment in time.
A kiss was so simple and so joyful.
Kissing was practically ecstatic.
I hadn't been so giddy in who knows how long. So I was ready to try it, whatever it was.
The physical connection, however...didn't feel as strong. At least not yet. I wish I knew what it was, but I figured I would give it some time. Because he was cute, and a better kisser than some. I wasn't consumed yet...
And it made me so happy. That had to mean something.
I was happy, giddy, smiling til my cheeks hurt.
That had to mean something.

Waking Up

I shook the grogginess from my eyes this morning.
And decided I need to rid him from my life if I was ever going to be happy again.
Because he didn't make me happy.
I wanted to shake it off, like an old, dead skin. I wanted to wake up in the light and air and earth.
Music pulsed through my veins and cheered me up immeasurably. I could feel it like a light trying to escape my body. It was happy and loving, it was joyful and cheery. It was what I needed.
Like my sudden cold, I wanted to shake his disease away and be happy. I wanted to find myself again, find all the things that had made me so happy, find the moments where my life felt balanced. I wanted to shake the weird emotions that came with this funk.
"It's wonderful, it's wonderful, it's wonderful, good luck my baby. It's wonderful, it's wonderful, it's wonderful, I dream of you. Chips, chips."
~ Via Con Me by Paul Conte

What I Lack

I about lost it in that moment.
She was here. She wasn't significant to me, aside from the fact that she had been part of my former life. And now she was here, where I could hear her. And it nearly toppled me over. I felt all strength in me drain down my fingertips.
I was, in that moment, blind. I couldn't see. My eyes became foggy of their own accord, and it was extremely scary. My head was too clouded to allow any thought, it was like pea soup up there. It was almost like I was really tired while still feeling out of control at the same time. I didn't want her here. But I couldn't kick her out.
I felt a shiver run up and down my spine. I felt something in my stomach jump up my throat. I felt a burning hatred and paralyzation like I had almost never felt before. Why was it like this, just to have her here?
Something was wrong with me, and that something wasn't going away.
The day had been fraught with thoughts of him. Even in the visiting another, stepping into his parallel universe, the thoughts plagued me, and made me realize how unhappy I was with myself. Why didn't I love who I was? Why did I let other people determine my value?
There seemed to be no easy answer to that question, and although I knew I need to move on, I was scared to.
Scared to get better. Hmmm. That was a weird concept.
I was so tired. Too tired to think, too tired to try, to tired to live.
So broken and tired of love.

One Year

Hot water massaged my back as I contemplated this new me.
As large droplets fell repeatedly upon me, I looked down at myself. I viewed my body differently, now a year from all that had past.
It didn't hold the same power as it once had (at least in my mind). And I didn't use it to get what I wanted anymore. It wasn't a tool. It was still mine, however, and I wanted to say I very much treasured it. But I failed to see the same innate beauty I had seen it before, now, in this form. The water washed over me, somehow revealing to me how I now regarded the physical containment of my personality and soul.
It is one year since I "launched" this blog. (give a couple of days.) And exactly one year since I began to regard my body with the sort of power I know had somehow been lost. I wasn't sure if this was good or bad.
I can't imagine myself ever being the same.
I glowed in the warmth my personality and soul was treasured for, however. What was severely lacking there in recognition of its beauty was now brought to light.
People loved my heart.
I went back to thinking about blue waters, the lake, so close and so surreal looking. In a moment, I would be under the surface, but I contained myself. Cold or not, the water rushing across my extremities would somehow bring me peace. Nature would bring me peace. It took everything I had not to dive in headfirst.
My soul flowered infinitely in that moment. And longed to be fulfilled and seen for the beauty it contained. My mind made a note of such progress and promised to try to give it the love it deserved, and respect the physical container which housed it.
The mind promised to love the soul that loved all.

Scream

How can this be fair?!
How can I allow him to be in my head, how could I continue to let him torment me?
It was like a disease; all I wanted was to feel better, all I wanted was to heal, all I wanted was to stop the pain. It had subsided, it was growing less heart breaking. But I still felt entirely consumed with sadness on occasion, and it spread through my body. I felt incapacitated as his venom seeped through my veins and caused a burning sensation.
I could be strong in moments I felt needed and loved. I could be strong in moments when I didn't need to care about myself and my pain. I could be strong when I was fulfilling a purpose. It was the being alone and feeling inadequate that brought me down.
I felt the pain wash over me and I succumbed to it.
I wanted to be alright.

Some Things are Food for Your Soul

I was astounded.
In every possible way I was astounded.
I reached deep into the heart of myself. I was surrounded by wonderful, inspiring people, who had cause and vision in life.
I could feel my brain tell me that the huge, disrespectful move this woman made was a reflection on my leadership. And I heard and felt my heart tell it no. My heart, as if wishing to rebel up to this moment, felt physically angry in my chest. No, it said, this is not your fault. You are an amazing leader and you knew all the right things to do. You handled this in the best way you knew how, and people are going to recognize that in you, and love you.
You know that everyone loves you.
That's what he said to me.
You know that everyone loves you.
Not phrased as a question, but rather a statement of undeniable fact. I was a little taken aback. But I could see in my heart the capacity to love and be loved. My love was so big, my love was so vast...my love was so infinite. It was a passion and in my heart I could not deny it.
You know everyone loves you.
The words resounded in my head a million times, more than anything else he had said about how great the training was and how well everyone melded.
And in a way, between this and feeling my heart most ardently protest to my brain's low self-esteem habits, I knew.
I knew I was better than I gave myself credit for.
I knew that some people around me had issues, and I knew that wasn't my fault.
I knew that I was a strong, independent woman who could rule her life successfully.
I knew people loved me, looked up to me, and respected me.
I knew I loved them, and to be fair to myself...
I knew I had to love me.
That is when I had the courage to change my relationship status to single. I knew I wasn't quite ready, but in my heart, I knew I had a rip-the-band-aid-off personality. Better sooner, I thought to myself. Better I let myself give up on it, and let the wound see the light of day.
The sun and wind and earth would heal it.
I felt myself jumping into my new life, as I so often did. That was who I was. And after all, what was the love and happiness worth, if it took no pain to get it? The love and happiness wouldn't be so strong and vibrant. And I would feel it again, and in this moment, I felt love for my family and friends, stronger than ever. I felt loved and loved others.
I strolled under the autumn leaves in the crisp air, and I could feel my spirit brimming with happiness, warmth, and contentedness. Walking around the lake made me feel a spirit deep down with in me, something I missed most about myself.
I thought about autumn leaves, crisp apples on my tongue, and meandering through the mountains. I thought about the beauty of nature and the love of close friends.
My heart glowed with the compliments people gave me about the weekend. How well I ran things, and how responsible I was, how poised and amazing I was.
I wanted to keep that feeling in me, or at very least, close by me forever.
Is it possible to cry out of happiness?
Because I am.