Jeopardy

If it isn't making you happy....
I did not have time for someone who at best, just wanted someone to listen, not really caring who it was, or the consequences, or the hurt.
I did not have time for someone who did not respect my time.
I did not have time for someone who ignored me.
I did not have time for someone who didn't really care what state I was in.
Then don't do it.
I had a hard time with people. Make a decision, stick to it. If you are using me, you are using me. If you don't want to, stop. If you don't think you are, why does it matter?
I really just wanted a cold hard decision, a mind made up. Maybe I encouraged this, but I hadn't asked for it this time. I had very resolutely stayed away until initial contact was made.
He doesn't want you anyway.
I thought about history, and I knew what it told me.
Not everyone is as honest and sincere as you are.
It was like banging my head against a wall.
If it isn't making you happy...

Aluminum

Please stop looking at me like that.
A fondness in his eyes, a profound luckiness I could not reflect. It was harsh of me, but it looked like weakness. I wasn't exactly sure what about that look really bugged me, but it did. Welcome me back to the world of douches, I guess.
It was almost as if I wanted to shout, "Stop! What you are feeling is fake!" But I didn't. I kept silently to myself, feeling an ice frost my outsides, a mechanical being trying to convey emotion. They were moves I knew oh too well, and while I hadn't intended to use them, they spilled out anyway.
I couldn't feel an intention behind his touch, although I knew he was fumbling, grasping at something in the dark he might not be able to fully understand.
To love someone.
Giving this up to him felt like a stripping of my individuality. This was the first time I felt that way. Maybe it was because I had finally found individuality. And I was very wary that it be swept away at the first sign of romance.
I grasped it, close to my heart, waiting. I was more selfish with my emotion in this arena than I had ever been. I silently wondered if this was because I wasn't meeting the right men, or I just wasn't healed. Only time could tell that. I had thought I knew myself better than this.
I wanted to hold on to my kite, shuttering in the wind. The sunshine was warm on my arms and legs, and I wanted it all for myself. Feeling so drastically different than before, slipping along in freedom. I could feel myself, want myself above all else.
I knew I would have to tell him eventually, but how what would I tell him. I couldn't form it into words for myself, I could just feel it. Feel the breeze, scented with the crispness of autumn in my rebirth. A secret power I had never known, never been able to excercise, and defintely not ready to give up.
Would I skulk away? In away that suggested I was really regressing when I wasn't?
Another matter-more and more these days I felt I seemed like an over-confident asshole. I wish I could explain to people how much I needed to tell myself I was great. Because in all honesty, it was keeping me afloat. How would they feel if they had heard the story of college years gone by? A confused, troubled young woman who hated herself and didn't let her individuality shine?
I began to realize what was more important.
A subtle curl, strands escaping and dangling. Wide green eyes, a tall and powerful figure.
Someone to be proud of.

Whispers

"I don't want to hurt you."
So why don't you just stop hurting me then?
I could see, in my mind's eye, him sweeping into me, our lips meeting. I could feel, in my mind's heart, him stroking my cheek, looking at me with eyes that seemed not to lie. Pulling me in, wanting me.
And then the moment passed.
Coldness filled the area between us, I looked at myself with disdain. My internal mirror wasn't doing me much good. Silently, I hoped and wanted for connection that never came. Whispers of words that would never return. Between us, silence, like frostbite.
Lean into me, kiss me like you meant it.
Never think twice about taking me into your arms, into your lips.
The one impulsive move you ever made was this.
And it's gone, but here it remains, ingrained in my memory.
A silent promise of something that will never return.

Letters to Juliet

It seemed exceedingly cheesy, but as the typical romance unfolded, I really began to think.
I thought about what I wanted from someone, what it would take for me to fall in love again, and what the men in my life currently were or were not giving me.
I wanted someone who wasn't afraid to dance with me in the middle of the dance floor, even if no one else was dancing. I wanted a man who would traverse Europe with me, exploring as I loved to do. I wanted a man who would sing really loud with me in the car. I wanted someone who would listen to every silly thing I said, and laugh like he was in love with me. I wanted him to stroke my hair as I fell asleep. I wanted him to be smart, but not in a stuck up way, just someone who could keep up with me. I needed someone who loved to read. I wanted a man who was full of passion, and would fight for what he believed in. I wanted a man who was compassionate, and would understand if I was feeling down on myself, and that I needed a boost and know it wasn't his fault. I needed a man with a sense of romance, who knew how to treat me. I needed a man with dreams as big as mine.
I wasn't going to find him here, I felt.
In short, I needed someone like me.
Drat.

Like The Deserts Miss the Rain

I was ever more dreading the engagement we had made this afternoon.
But when he walked towards me, the anger and frustration rolled off my shoulders, like water on a duck's back. He put his arms around me and kissed me in the middle of the sidewalk.
I slipped into an easy cuddle, and he ran his fingers through my hair, along the side of face, and up and down my arms. There were moments I could feel him looking at me, feeling him adore me.
In the pet store I saw dead fish in the filter. I couldn't vocalize my shock and agony for these poor fish, so I just clutched his hand, tight tighter. I waited for him to ask me what was wrong, but he didn't. I just held on tighter.
In the bookstore we sat on the floor, and I laid my head across his lap. We decided to read the spark notes so we didn't look too weird laying on the floor in Barnes and Noble. He ran his fingers slowly through my hair, something that always put me at utter and terrible peace. I felt I could fall asleep right here, in Barnes and Noble, but I knew that was a bad idea.
It felt comfy, having someone there. The light rain fell, and just faintly above all the din and car exhaust, I caught wafts of my shampoo, enlivened by the faint drizzle in the air.
Small moments that seemed so comfy, even as I stood in the cold waiting for the bus.
I didn't know what to think of it all.

Cold

I haven't written in a while.
It felt so cold...emotionless. He felt so cold. His hands, bitter cold, his kiss, like ice.
It felt like a deal made in the far north, somewhere where warmth and passion never lingered.
They were swept away noiselessy by the whistling winds, like whispers, soft and forgotten. The cold, so bright and cutting.
It hurt, just a little.
I felt the cold drain the warmth from my cheeks, just like it drove the passion from my heart.

Validation

It was odd how something so simple validated me.
And why did I need this validation?
I guess it helped to know that someone saw me as valuable, as beautiful, as sexy. I had gotten better at recognizing this in myself, but someone else recognizing it always gave me a little boost.
He still wanted to talk to me the next day.
He texted me saying he hoped I got home alright. I hadn't expected him to text me first thing in the morning, but I guess I had always hoped. I did feel a little guilty for macking with two guys in one night...but the other one was too drunk to tell the difference, and he had been the one at the end of the night, so that was kosher...right?
Yes I know. I'm iffy about that one as well.
Then there was the ex. I had gone to him in a time of dire need, and now he was worried about me. I had wanted to see him before, but was it just because I had had a need to be validated?
Because now I felt guilty talking to him. I cared about him, and I knew this wasn't wrong, but...no. No but. He hadn't admitted to wanting me too, so he couldn't be angry with me for this and I shouldn't feel guilty.
I had done what I wanted, and was bathing in the glow for right now. Somebody else liked me, saw my worth.
"What are your boundaries?"
I didn't like to acknowledge that I was an attention whore, but I kind of was. I wasn't going to hang around people who thought little of me, or that I was worthless. It just wasn't going to happen. I was young and single, and wanted to distance myself from the married fate my friends had subjected themselves to. I wanted to have fun, so I would.
"I'm drunk."
There was something to be said about real life encounters, where people actually had a filter on the things they said, but alcohol brought people out of their shell.
I realized I shouldn't judge what drunk people do, since I do an assortment of stupid things myself.
On another note, I realized someone following my blog actually knows me. I hadn't realized it before, and I felt bad for not knowing earlier. It helped me to know that everyone has vulnerabilities, no matter how perfect they seem to be, and it was odd to see someone in a very personal light. I viewed her blog in a new light, knowing I know her.
Things were changing, I was changing. I had to have the gumption to move on.
My life was so bright and full of promise. It was about time I just embraced it.

Change The World

"It's up to you."
These and many other words passed through her lips. Directed at me. She told me I was going to change the world.
That was quite a hefty load to tote around. And I have a feeling that I would be a little egocentric to think that I actually would. But I could try, right? My 8th grade English teacher Mrs. Nielsen didn't award me "Most Likely to Change the World" for nothing.
Maybe I really was going to change the world.
I wanted to change the world. I wanted to affect change. I wanted to believe I could do it. My heart was so big. I knew sometimes I wasn't right, and sometimes I was short-sighted, but I was learning. I could recognize the wrongs I had done. I could also recognize my potential.
Maybe she was just stroking my ego. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was finally being part of things. Big things.
New York, here I come.

Science Rules

I trudged up the stairs, unsure what I was going to work on, and dreading it the whole way. Out of breath, I mounted the last steps to the 5th floor. Intake of breath and walk in.
I had a slight headache and had been feeling slightly nauseous for a couple of days. I called my boss and tried not to audibly groan, even though I knew I was doing it on the inside.
I hadn't poured gels in months. Woopee. This was going to be fun.
But then I got into the rhythm of it, and the rest of the world went away. I could focus on tapping out the bubbles, pouring the liquid, and looking on with a sense of accomplishment as I placed saran wrap over my smooth, clear gel. So clear I poured another, just as successfully.
The rhythm smoothed out into the rest of my work. Loading a gel was easy. Frustrated with broken pipetters, I was determined. Blue and purple wells lined up so perfectly, on a gel all my own. The colors were my little stained glass in the world of science.
The pcr went just as smoothly. I was so practiced in these skills, I found pride in doing them.
In science there was an odd clarity. No where else in my life was I awarded as much clarity as I was in the lab. Either things worked or they didn't. If they did, great. If they didn't, there was always some explanation. Whether apparent or not, we would find the solution. Through brainstorming and trial and error.
In science there was reality, in science there was calm and logic.
My own two hands could make sense of this world.
I was born to do this.

Watching

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you are living life, but it is happening outside of you? And not in a bad way, but just that nothing matters except the moment you have now, that the only important things are happening now, and you forget everything else?
It was like living in a movie. As he drove, it was pleasant to have almost no thought. His wrangler chugged along, while we drove with the windows down and old music pumping. Loose curls fell around my face, big sunglasses framed my eyes. I had tied my bandana around my next, 70s style. I looked like a 70s wife...or something. Maybe a young wife. And him totally grunge 60s, his bandana tied around his forehead, with his crazy hair overflowing. We looked like we'd walked out of a movie, and were heading to a beach, matching green shirts and all.
"Hey there honeycakes."
It just felt so painless and effortless, and I never wanted to lose this moment, this calm, this friendship. I had found my people.
Then there were the times you felt like you were in the twilight zone.
I drove through the valley and everything felt surreal. Things I had once loved and grew up with seemed familiar and unreal. The valley felt so small, I almost felt trapped. I was no small city girl, I'd discovered. I was born for a big world, as scary as it was. And in this bubble, it wasn't real, and I drove away, leaving behind that claustrophobic, strangling feeling. I was fine to visit, but that was no longer where I wanted to live at all. There was just something in the air, something that said my soul would be trampled out of me there. Too small and too oppressive for me to live a life of happiness there, with a million weird looks and judgments from all directions.
Yes I was glad to move on from there.

Innerpartysystem

Somehow, there were still ways.
I had never pretended I didn't live life out loud. I didn't believe in denying how you really feel. That didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Sure, if it was going to hurt someone, you didn't tell them that you got your feelings hurt when they left you behind or that you were going to feel your heart break if they got in that relationship.
But if you knew, if you knew from the beginning that you would hurt them more in the end by not telling the truth, if they found out, that they would be torn up inside, you should tell the truth. Tell the truth and avoid needless pain, although there would be pain.
I didn't believe in saying I didn't feel how I did or that I didn't want what I did. It would tear me up inside otherwise. And my past had shown me suppressing emotions wasn't the best plan, especially since my emotions were so large, colorful, and loud.
He was giving me the I'm busy reason again. I realized very quickly that nothing had changed. He wanted what he had had, without actually having to do anything about it. But my close friends--close friends like he wanted to be, I spent a lot of time with. They either lived with me or saw me a couple times a week. I have to admit, there were some outliers, and I treasured them. But that kind of emotional closeness--took work.
It just seemed like he felt bitter towards me and it hurt my heart.
But I guess there was really nothing I could do about it now.

"I can't remember what I had said. Something reminiscent of a relationship. It was easier to lack the truth than tell you how I really feel. But I will surround your heart with lies."

~ Heart on Fire by Innerpartysystem

Say

The evening started out...all over the place, disastrous.
I was ready to kill someone. I eventually just gave up and went with my dad. I loved him, and I knew if I stayed there a moment longer I would lose it. I walked away. They might think I was pouting, and a brat. But this would be a better option than fuming in their company and refusing to smoke.
I would just come off as a bitch that way, and at least leaving with my dad prevented me from being a super bitch.
After a while, I realized I liked being with friends. As much as I loved my dad, I wanted to be silly. So I left him and searched out Ryan. They were fun to talk to, but no one wanted to dance. And I wasn't about to dance all on my own. Eleni came by, and said hello. He gave me a hug. What happened next I hadn't anticipated. He held on and whispered in my ear that he was sorry. It chilled and raised the hairs on the back of my neck. He held me a little longer than I was expecting. They walked away and I kept trying to dance. The outskirts weren't a place of crazy dancers. I knew I wanted to be in the thick of things.
I followed his head, tallest in the crowd and found them. From that point onward, the dancing with Abby didn't stop.
I was trying my best to do the honorable thing, and not break the best friend code. But I was ever aware of his presence. I made him dance and clap his hands over his head. I looked drunk but I didn't care.
Sometimes you just need to let the dancing out. When you can't handle everything around you, and need to let yourself out, dance. Dance like no one is watching. All the catharsis I had needed, was here, shaking out of every part of my body. I had wanted a haircut and I didn't get it. I had dressed up cute, and they weren't even wanting to see it. So hell if I care, I was going to dance. I was going to dance every emotional tension out of my body.
Strangely enough, it seemed to work.
We walked back, and a little bit of my spirit died. I don't remember why, but he pulled me in. And held on. Squeezed my side. I wanted to tell myself this didn't mean anything, but I was always a sucker for hope. Honorable was far gone from here.
He let go, and I was sad. I let her sit up front. And I felt the weakness I felt in the smooth seats, power emanating from the car.
We all talked. And...we left. I opened the door, because I could feel increasing tension and wanted to give honorable another chance. I began to walk out and he told me not to leave. He hugged her and we walked out. He walked me to my door. Anything could have happened, as hope had taught me to do. He pulled me in and hugged me a little longer than friendly. I only hugged closer friends that long.
The side of his face collided with mine. I couldn't. He would have to man up, and I would have to give up.
All I could handle was wishful thinking. He had told me I shouldn't be dating. He also told me he usually just asked girls out. So I probably had too much hope, and should just stop trying.

"Well bless my soul, you're a lonely soul. 'Cause you won't let go of anything you hold. All I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head."

~ Say (All I Need) by OneRepublic

No Such Thing

The easy, cool weather and the calm mood reminded kept me happy.
I listened to John Mayer. John Mayer always reminded me of fall. Fall was my favorite season, so you can imagine that John Mayer was very close to my heart for that reason.
I suppose this was because of one memory, a special memory that I haven't ever been able to forget.
Every fall, my parents would drive us up Logan Canyon to look and the leaves, and even sometimes gather leaves. My favorite were always the strikingly red--a red that looked almost unreal in all it's brightness. Fall was my favorite season because it was a season of new beginnings--a new school year, new clothes, a new age. My birthday was in autumn, so I suppose that persuaded me a little bit. This particular day, it was just my mom, my brother Grey, and I driving up the decorated canyon. While some have said fall is just signs of death, I've never been able to see it. It's just the flair before the long sleep. The last party for the year. This drive, my mom put Room for Squares in the CD player. It was the first time I had heard the CD, and I loved it from the get go. All the leaves flashing past me in the front seat, accompanied by this calm audio. My mother talked to me, a long conversation, even contemplating John Mayer's possible Asperger's Syndrome. We had one of our only really good long talks.
Long after this drive, I always associated John Mayer with the leaves and the calm car ride. What I wuoldn't give to be back there, doing the same thing, again.

"I want to run through halls of my high school, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I just found out there's no such thing as a real world, just a lie you've got to rise above."

~ No Such Thing by John Mayer

Classy

We sat in his apartment, glasses of red wine in front of us.
This was when we decided to play scrabble.
As nerdy as this sounds, it was very nice. We were calm, we were ourselves. We were having a quiet night in. I would have won scrabble had I not had so many high scoring letters left when the last letter was put on the board.
It gave me pause to think. I had missed this. I had been spending almost every weekend night with Eleni, and most likely saw her 5 out of 7 days of the week. She really was my best friend, and I would miss her when I left.
And when she didn't live one house down.
The warm weather and sunshine gave me a noticeable mood lift. The winter doldrums were over. The sky was blue, the grass was green, and little yellow dandelions polka-dotted the ground. This was when I knew myself at my best. My heart was free, and anything felt possible, anything at all.
The warmth washed over me, bathing me in light and happiness. I was a child of heat, a lizard in that sense. It rejuvenated me and gave me life. It made me feel good through all my layers down to the core of my being.
I found it hard to feel any more myself than I did now.

"Maybe the sun will shine today. Maybe the clouds will blow away. Maybe I won't feel so afraid. I will try to understand. Either way."

~ Either Way by Wilco

Confrontation

"That's not really how you're conveying yourself."
And just like that, like a slap in the face, I knew. He was looking down his nose at me. He thought I was being stupid and emotional.
He was angry with me.
I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what else to expect. I was confused and I was trying to sort it out. It didn't make a lot of sense why he wanted to be friends with me when he said stuff that sounded so condescending like that.
It was like a cut, stinging and fresh. The most brilliant shade of red, like unexpected roses. Smarting until the blood could clot.
A part of me still wanted him to want me.
Maybe that was my fault.
What was I going to do now? I was hurt and him the cause. He didn't want you, he wouldn't make the effort to see you, even if he wanted to be friends.
You weren't worth it.
How could I not see I was better than all of this?

Anything to Make You Smile

I went to Postsecret last night, welling with anticipation.
As I sat in the room filled with students buzzing, my heart raced. I saw them set up the secret microphones. Right down the aisle from me. I knew I had to get in front of one right away.
He sounded a little like Kermit the frog. That made me laugh.
My palms sweated in anticipation. I began to shake a little. As soon as he announced we could go to the mics, several people got up. I knew I had to get up there right away before I changed my mind or the line got too long.
So I went up and told this story.
When I was in 8th grade, I was playing hide and seek at a birthday party. No one found me. After a while I heard everyone coming back and talking frantically. They thought I had been kidnapped. It got later and later, and I didn't come out because I thought it would be too late and they would be mad at me. Eventually, they all piled in a truck and saw where I was hiding by the house. A week later, one of the girls told my mom about the whole thing and when she asked me what happened, I lied and said I hadn't heard them.
I had never told anyone the truth, and had felt guilty about it for years.
Even worse, I felt really guilty for stealing a pen in 7th grade. The girls behind me saw me do it and accused me of it. I lied and said I hadn't taken it.
It's odd, having these secrets out, secrets I had never told anyone before.
Some of the secrets were sad and touching. Some of them were hilarious. But there was an odd sort of release and compassion in the room.
At very last there was one person, who sneaked up just in time. I knew him. He announced that he was sorry for pretending to be straight and dating a girl for years.
I was absolutely floored. His suitemate and his roommate had both been gay when I met them all! It was insane. I knew I had to find him and give him a big hug, because I knew he had given up his aspiration of wanting to be a catholic priest. He hugged me with his whole body back. And it felt like his whole heart. I was so glad he could share.
I was more touched by this moment than a lot in my life, believe in the power of a good hug.

"No one is ever going to love you more than I do."

~ No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses

Rain

As I walked outside, cold droplets slipped down my neck.
Usually the gray weather was calming, almost dulcet. The gray tones would soothe and put me at piece. But today all it did was accentuate the gloom that pressed down upon my chest, pushing every breath out of me. Each droplet, which would normally be refreshing, pounded upon my soul.
The swarm of memories did the same thing as the cacophony of the rain, beating my head. I had a splitting headache.
I was reminded of plaid skirts and mike 'n ikes, freschetta and chewed pen lids.
So much of that time seemed dark. My time of corruption, and rebellion.
My how times have changed.
Strange how one week nothing could bring me down. And it all seemed to good to be true.
I guess that was life, the ups and downs. I just had to ride it out, and appreciate the good times I had.

"Some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice. 'Cause I speak with the pompitous of love. People talk about me, baby. Say I'm doing you wrong, doing you wrong. Well don't you worry baby, don't worry. 'Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home. 'Cause I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner. Playing my music in the sun. I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toquer, getting my lovin' on the run."

~ Joker by Steve Miller Band

Ruby

I had no space.
It was making me feel vulnerable and shut down. My bed was infested. That was the scariest and most disturbing part of all this. The place I was most vulnerable was my bed, as I slept. All I wanted was to be safe and alone. But my personal space was violated--by these bugs. These bugs that bit me, stole my blood, stole my safe place.
And my roommate wouldn't go with me to a clean bed, a clean place to stay. More than anything I wanted to not be alone, but to be alone, if that made sense. I wanted safety and comfort. But I could have neither.
It was amazing how stripped and vulnerable I could feel when denied a bed, denied my space, and denied privacy. I hated it. It made me want to cry.
My emotion was paralyzed.
And on top of all that, I was here. In the very same lab I had spent nights ferreting away the hours, waiting for his departure. The smell hit me with a weird sweetness, that reminded me so much of him. Nights I had spent here until 1 in the morning waiting. Waiting for a safe place. Here I was exposed and inundated. Inundated by smell and emotion and memory. It smelled sweet and at the same time smelled of fresh supplies. Computer paper and laser ink. Computer air. That led to different memories, different times, a different person, with different safe spaces. It reminded me of Chewy, cameras, double monitors, musty couches, plaid bedsheets, Park City, Ruby, fettuccine noodles with tomato sauce, weird toothy faces, intense concentration, square glasses, nordic hats, and late winter nights, here.
It reminded me of him and accentuated my loneliness.
I wanted to curl up in bed next to a beating, understanding heart. That would keep me safe. Or at least give me that illusion. Alone in Chapel Glen I would not feel safe. With no roommate and no guest I would feel alienated and alone. I would have no safe space.
All this really did make me want to cry.
No safe space.

"Let it never be said that romance is dead 'cause there's so little else occupying my head. There is nothing I need 'cept the function to breath...Due to lack of interest, tomorrow is canceled. Let the clocks be reset and the pendulums held. 'Cause there's nothing at all 'cept the space imbetween, finding out what you're called and repeating your name."

~ Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs

Satellite

I didn't know what to do.
What did he do this for?
"You have trouble letting things go."
Could I please punch him in the face for saying that?
"You shouldn't be dating right now."
Could I please kick him in the head for saying THAT?
I knew where I was. I knew what was going with life. How could so much disappear so quickly? Well, it didn't disappear. But I was having trouble letting it hold water right now. That's a lie. It was holding water. Lots of water. Sara water, if you will.
But I wasn't going to pretend this situation wasn't causing me anxiety.
He was right. I did have more important things I needed to focus on, it was true. But was that my life? Continuing to focus on important things? Did I not get to have someone at my side?
Something told me that with such dreams I might have to sacrifice love.
Now that didn't seem quite fair.
Maybe I was so anxious because I was trying to warn myself. Warn myself that friends wasn't really what I wanted, something I wasn't really willing to settle for. Maybe in my head, I was telling myself to keep things cool because I knew being friends was just a way to keep the emotional closeness. A substitution for something I couldn't have.
And was I being mature to accept his friendship? Or selfish?
Only time would tell.
All I could do was let it unfold and hope I was a little stronger than I gave myself credit for, and not make the same mistake twice.
There is other fish in the sea right? But would that make him jealous? I didn't want to deal with that. But I had felt this way before. Like maybe it was right to go back when it wasn't. I couldn't stand the thought I wasn't ready when he was. So I told myself he wasn't.
And he wasn't, right? How could he be?
Right?
"You're my satellite. You're riding with me tonight. Passenger side, ligthing the sky, you're always the first star that I find. You're my satellite."

~ Satellite by Guster

Beautifully Chaotic

A sloppy ponytail in which the bangs fell in front of her face in dark brown, winsome tendrils. Behind these tendrils sparkled sharp, questioning and curious eyes. A deep earthy brown tinged with emerald green spirals dancing in the light. Pinkly tinged cheeks, warm from pulses of hot water that had fallen upon them, on a smooth ivory face.
Snuggled under the warmth of blankets, a slim, whimsical body curled up in skinny jeans, aware of such innate beauty.
From slender legs led to sloppy sock monkey slippers. So big and gawky they found themselves in a laughable cuteness.
A small bounce existed in this beautifully chaotic ponytail, hinting at a greater vigor. How enjoyable it was to shake her head back and forth, and feel the soft ends of her silky hair. Feel the lightness and resilience of so much hair. A long neck, with more curly strays brushing the length, feeling the softness of her skin. Such beautiful shoulders, ready to see sun and light.
How comfortable to be in this body, at this time, so imperfectly perfect.
So beautifully chaotic.

Paradigm Shift

I was ridiculuous how many things, huge, monumental things, were going right for me lately.
Something had to go wrong, right?
I was waiting for the shoe to fall, for a gloomy mood to overtake me. But it didn't. I had stress, for sure. My happy mood stuck through all that. It was a bizarre but nice change.
How can it possible for one person to change so much? From 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 3 months ago. How could I be a different Sara from all those different Saras?
It didn't seem feasible, and for me to still be loving the things that I loved. I was stronger, braver, smarter, and calmer.
I was more convicted.
It was strange how self-actualized I felt.
I was changing all the time.
And I was ready to go to New York.

"And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain."

~ Missing by Everything But the Girl

Ketchup

At first my head felt really heavy. And full of buzzing bees. It spun, and wished to drop. Even my arms felt a little hard to lift.
I took a moment to calm and collect myself. I'm sure my tired state wasn't helping much.
There were residual feelings, but not enough to even strike a match. At least I very much hoped not.
It was good to catch up, but I was ever suspicious. Some comments seemed threatening and borderline tugging.
I was so happy where I was.
Everything in my life seemed to be coming full circle. I was ok with just Sara in the room. The research opportunity was falling into place. The family was falling into place. School was falling into place. Everything seemed to be working out. And I could say, "so what?" to any dismay.
I really should write more. But I'm too tired now.

"I wish you never looked at me that way. Eh, eh. Eh, eh. There's nothing else I can say."

~ Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) by Lady Gaga

Royal India

The lights were dimmed, the tables were cozy. Soft music was tinkling somewhere in the background as we sat down. We were all on each other's nerves at this point.
The food came and I was saddened by how fast it filled me. The richness and spice warmed my entire body, and soon everyone was joking and laughing.
A more upbeat eastern tune came on and immediately I found myself bouncing up and down a little. It was happy music, just like boba tea was the happy drink.
I liked us much better warm and fed.
The treasured left overs were handed to me and I coveted them. At this point I looked down to notice that the table had a glass plate on it, over the red and gold tablecloth, a style most eastern restaurants liked to follow.
We were all so happy, full of food. Full of magic food.
I would have to remember to come back here.
Good food solves almost every problem.

Cuban Revolver

The water was so warm and relaxing. Then I pulled the plug.
As the water drained, I stayed in the tub and felt it leave my body. It reminded me of The Princess Bride.
"Instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life." ~ Count Rugen
The pull was draining me. It did feel a little like it was sucking something from my body. I was slightly disturbed but more intrigued than anything. I let it suck the life from me, lowering, pulling my life down the drain.
Today just felt...tired. I was suffering death by cuban revolver.
A cuban revolver is a coffee drink with six shots of expresso in it and a touch of vanilla. I literally thought I was going to have a heart palpatation.
I realized *maybe* why they named it that. The boy sitting next to me tasted it and said it tasted like a cigar. I just thought it tasted like coffee, except I've never tasted a cigar. Hence the cuban part. And six shots. Revolvers had six bullets, hence six "shots." Clever. A cuban revolver.
My chest felt funny the entire night. I knew my heart was beating too fast. My mind was aching for sleep but my body felt as if I had stuck my finger in a socket.
I felt drunk, but instead of moving slower, the world was moviing faster, so time seemed to pass in dragging phases. That may not make sense, but your actions feel slower drunk, so time flies, right? Opposite effect with caffeine. I couldn't stop giggling.
We climbed in the car and I knew.
I had a weakness for really smooth, sexy cars. Cars that never second guessed, cars you could feel the power radiating from. Car that were smooth on the inside, full of darkness and mystery. Cars I wish I was riding next to the driver, him wanting me there in the front seat.
Sexy cars.
What a terrible, terrible weakness. Stupid mustang...
That night sleep didn't come easy, and I felt jittery when I woke up. The sleep was shallow and anxious. I felt the sickness collide with me instantly upon waking.
I suffered death by cuban revolver.

Your Love Is Not a Weakness

In my chest, my heart swelled.
He asked me if I was drunk.
I wasn't. But I sure felt like it. Wow. The up, down, up, down was making me a little loopy. I'm sure the lack of sleep had something to do with it as well. My body was having a little trouble with these huge emotional exercises. In one moment I was dealing with the most intense sadness and loss, and the next I could be feeling enlightening hope and happiness. It wasn't that I was bipolar. It was just that really bad and really good things continued to happen over the course of the day, requiring the hairpin switch of a mood at a moment's notice.
Maybe this is part of the reason I felt so tired lately. I had been so emotionally and mentally stretched I couldn't focus anymore. I felt close to losing it.
I really had no other choice. I had to do what was best for everyone else. I couldn't even imagine not doing it. It made me feel nervous to wreck so many people's happiness. I knew what had to be done, and would do it the moment it was asked. I would cry, long, and pine. But it would be right.
The impending doom stifled my bristling hopefulness.
The conversation was so easy it was laughable. I couldn't believe what a lack of awkwardness there was. I mean, there was a teensy bit, but it was like we were friends to begin with. Never mind we knew nothing about each other. It just didn't seem so hard to talk to him, joke around. It seemed easy. I could barely avoid my normal behavior, which is always to give someone a tight, squeezing hug, or grabbing their shoulders or tickling. It was weird that a first date would feel this natural. And he looked so familiar...
And I felt no anxiety. No need to push anything, no need to make any moves. I was good with slow. Which was really weird for me. Usually at this point I would be anticipating, but a sense of calm overwhelmed me. I was content, right where I was. Right in this spot, just calm and chill. Tickled, but calm. It was nice. Not to feel the need to do something. And just let the world happen.
"Your love is not a weakness."
~ from the movie Doubt

Possibility

I was just not feeling dating lately.
At least not serious dating.
I had my friends, I had my school, I had my extracurriculars. I had never felt a cup quite so full as I had now, and it was refreshing to feel this way on my very own. I enjoyed be self-sufficient and celebrating my own accomplishments for myself. Knowing I did a good job and hard work, and it paid off. Knowing I didn't have anyone to please but myself. It was so liberating.
Dating gave me too much anxiety and too much doubt. Maybe now that I had learned to be self-sufficient I could handle it, but the state I had been in scared me. And I didn't feel capable of giving up that much of my heart and happiness right now.
I had loved, and for right now I was done.
I felt no connection to anyone like I had felt then. I felt like I was busy enough and fulfilled enough on my own. I was also very wary. My heart just didn't want top open up to any possibilities. It was more like it wanted possibilities, but it didn't want to pursue any of them.
I felt little hands signaled by my brain pushing on my heart, trying to get it to beat out of my chest, but my heart didn't want to. It squirmed, complained, and scrunched like a small child using a parent as a buoy, trying to retreat into the inner cavity of my chest. It wasn't budging and my brain knew it, as frustrated as it was.
I had felt the need to just have fun and be myself lately. I didn't want to sell my heart to the highest bidder. Squelch.
I didn't feel like a single suitor saw me the way I was. I had just hit the happiest time I had felt in a while, but not without sacrifice and pain. I wanted to hold onto it and be burdened by those who would try to leach it. I had made major progress, and it was not within my power to help someone who had been in the same position as I was, if I didn't know them well. I needed to find myself around people who were happy to keep my mood up. I couldn't afford a crash right now, and with my fragile emotional existence, I was afraid any interference would plummet me like a sinking stone in an algae born lake.
I just needed to be happy. For once in my life I needed to hold on my little sliver of cloud.
"You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin or a cardboard stand up and paint me any face you wanted me to be seen with."
~ You Don't Know Me by Ben Fold feat. Regina Spektor

Red

Here are some things that make my face red. Or at least pink up my cheeks:

1. Working out.
2. Compliments in public.
3. Alcohol
4. Feeling outed
5. Spicy food
6. Wearing too many clothes
7. Someone saying something inappropriate to me who isn't a close friend.
8. Someone saying something innappropriate to me that isn't a joke.
9. Having to admit things.
10. Fever
11. Infection
12. Coming inside after being out in the cold
13. Saying something stupid
14. Crying
15. Feeling Like I want to cry

Waking Up

New Playlist my friends. It's odd, I made these a year or two ago (depending) and I am falling in love with them all over again.

Waking Up

1. Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel
2. Brand New Day by Sting
3. Don't Know Why by Norah Jones
4. Brown-Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
5. Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irgslova
6. 3X5 by John Mayer
7. Baby, It's Fact by Hellogoodbye
8. The Forecast by Jason Mraz
9. My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
10. Who Let You Go? by the Killers
11. Lucy by The Black Crowes
12. American Girl by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
13. Time to Pretend by MGMT
14. Seasons of Love from Rent
15. All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow
16. Kids by MGMT
17. Sunrise by Norah Jones
18. Games Without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel
19. Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) by Quindon Tarver
20. Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
21. Must Get Out by Maroon Five

Enjoy :)

Down

Playlist of the Day. I am having a soul searching time right now.

Down

1. No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown
2. Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
3. Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
4. My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
5. Not Myself by John Mayer
6. For Reasons Unknown by The Killers
7. Read My Mind by The Killers
8. You Belong to Me by Jason Wade
9. Absolutely Zero by Jason Mraz
10. You Don't Know Me (featuring Regina Spektor) by Ben Folds
11. I'm Not That Girl From Wicked
12. No Good Deed From Wicked
13. Chemistry of a Car Crash by Shiny Toy Guns
14. Far Far by Yael Naim
15. Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Quindon Tarver
16. Love On the Rocks by Sara Bareilles
17. How to Save a Life by The Fray
18. Look What You've Done by JET
19. Caring Is Creepy by The Shins
20. Blue Eyes by the Cary Brothers
21. Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band
22. Don't Know Why by Norah Jones

Mirrorball

God.
When things were simple.
And you knew how you felt, and what you wanted. I had loved him, loved every inch of him. Loved him with my whole body and whole soul. Whole heart and whole mind. There was no way I could explain it to someone who hadn't been in love.
I played Elbow. It always reminded me of fall, of Chicago, of Max. When things were so happy, and I didn't want to stop drinking him in. I felt the highest highs and the happiest happiness. I was completely and terribly infatuated.
I couldn't have enough moments with him, and I felt no misgivings about seeeing him.
I wondered if I had loved him in my innocence.
Because I didn't know love, I loved him because I didn't know it. I had now way to feel hurt or betrayed, no way to withdraw. I was bare entirely to him.
And that's when it hit me.
I had loved him. I had loved him and the pain of losing him came back. He hadn't loved me. How could you do so many terrible things to someone you loved?
It didn't make a lot of sense, but I had loved him. Through and through. To my center, through my entire body.
That was the fatal part of love.
Because in the movies they don't tell you that it doesn't always work even if you love each other.
In fact, sometimes it entirely and completely plummets in spite of the fact. And you can't ever be with them because they have been so terrible to you.
And above all I had this fear. This fear that I wouldn't fall in love again. That I wouldn't feel so close to someone and have them feel the same. How do people fall in love? And stay in love? And stay together?
It seemed all so...hopeless.
I hadn't really honestly felt this way for a long time and it was disconcerting.
I remember thinking, if I just got a taste, everything would be ok.
But it wasn't. That taste lingered, and you longed for it with every fiber of your being.
I'm too scattered and anxious to finish this. More later.
"We took the town to town last night, we kissed like we invented it. And now I know what every step is for, to lead me to your door. And know that while you sleep, everything has changed. The city's sirens violins, everything has changed."
~ Mirrorball by Elbow

Steam

It's late and I'm so tired my eyes feel dry and wrinkly. Like I've aged in spite of myself.
I just needed to blow off a little steam before I went to bed.
I always get a little grouchy and frustrated when I am up late work on something and this time was no exception. I knew going to bed now and getting up tomorrow would be a good plan at this point. I had hit the assignment wall from which there was no return. I was trying to work but couldn't.
I was also in my deluded realizaton state. That state where I realized how stupid things were, and was able to take a couple of groggy steps backward.
I loved school, I loved learning. I didn't need a man in my life to make me happy (although it was a nice distraction) and I didn't need to be married.
It was just too early for me. Well, and it wasn't like anyone was making offers. I had a career to pursue.
I though of something today.
I have something a lot of kids my age don't have.
Conviction.
I know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I stand by what I am doing 100%. That scares some people. It confuses many.
Ok. I am too tired to do this. But hopefully this helps.

Turn Around

I want to say it's a gradual change.
I want to say it's instant.
It is, in fact, neither.
In a sense, one day, you wake up, and suddenly, you are an adult. You move out, you feed yourself, clothe yourself, wash yourself, and look after yourself.
In the other sense, it is something that happens over time. Slowly your parents begin to trust you with more responsibility. Slowly they tell you of their money problems you never knew existed. Slowly they they begin to tell you things you would only admit to close friends or lovers. Not their children.
I turned around one day, and I was there. I was doing my own laundry, cooking my own food, paying my own expenses (well most of them anyway) and making my own decisions.
Such charge of my life was exhilarating. And scary. And I was only going to get more charge of it.
It was strange to have my parents consider me an adult now. I had felt like they had treated me like a child for so long. But it must have been hard for them. Seeing someone they loved so much not need them anymore. But I had shown them. I had shown them I could make mature choices and still love them. I came home and took care of everything, because it was the mature thing to do. Even though I had my independence, I came back. I did the chores, helped out, and made everything possible. I gave up my weekend to take care of things. I was proud of myself for making a mature decision, and knowing it was what I had to do to honor my family. Making sacrifices for your family was an adult decision, not one I had practiced in the last couple years of my life.
When I got in the car I smelled the cushiony, sick-sweet odor. My poor mother. I doubted for a minute, but I knew what the smell in the car meant. I hoped she had gained some small comfort from it before her journey. Only one smell I could think of lingered like that, stuck to the fabric.
One day you wake up and you are an adult.
Slowly you become an adult.
And there was no rule that I couldn't regress, or be allowed some childishness. But I could feel myself growing away from childhood.
I was reminded of this song--I got this CD for my 12th birthday from a kid I had had a crush on at the time. Oh sixth grade crushes. I invited him to my birthday party and he gave me a lullaby CD by Kenny Loggins. This is the first time I have listened to it in a long time. But the lyrics seemed appropriate.
"Where are you going, my little one, little one? Where are you going, my baby, my own? Turn around and you're two. Turn around and you're four. Turn around and you're a young girl going out of the dark. Turn around, turn around, turn around and you're a young girl going out of the door."
~ Turn Around by Kenny Loggins

Elvis and Annabelle

I was frustrated.
He was friends with a LOT of pretty girls...
And who was I to talk? I wasn't that type of girl. I was part hippie, part intellect. Part grunge, part bohemian chic. I was my own person, with my own style. And I definitely didn't fit into the cookie cutter, perfect hair, heavy make-up, perfect mix of skinny and curves that these girls played.
I just didn't.
But if there was anything I had learned from this year and a half it was that I should stop forcing myself on people who didn't want me. I tried too hard. And so even if they had any inkling of wanting me in the first place, I soundly drove that out of them.
So I would wait. And if nothing happened, if he didn't want to talk to me, he didn't care, I would forget.
I would hold to my resolve.
The summer would be here again.
Maybe it was the result of laying in bed watching Lifetime Movie Network, but I felt a little blossom of hope somehow popping up behind my ear.
There was so much to love as I curled under the covers. Music played on a piano somewhere in my head, and the grass squished under my feet. The greens and blues and yellows swirled in a kaleidoscope over my lidded eyes.
The sun threw buckets of warmth onto my bare arms and legs, kissing my cheeks. The heat energized me, tickling my excitement. It held me in its arms, and spun me around. We danced as the saxophone played on. The moment the promise played upon your lips, trapped there, you were living for tomorrow.
Sometimes you give because you can't receive.
But you hope like hell someday you will be able to receive again.
"It's wonderful, it's wonderful, it's wonderful, good luck my baby. It's wondeful, it's wonderful, it's wonderful I dream of you. Chips chips."
~ Via Con Me by Paul Conte

You're Backing Up

It wasn't really funny, the way my heart stopped like that.
Every time I typed his name into the search, a name would come up. And every time my heart would stop, as if for a moment, I expected to see his name appear. And every time I was disappointed.
I don't know why I thought it might be there or why this still got me.
The residual emotion was still with me I guess, even though I had emotionally blocked myself off.
I came to a sudden realization. Was I feeling grounded because I didn't feel anything anymore?
That was a semi-scary thought.
I hugged my midsection instinctively, to feel what, I don't know. Maybe to remind myself that I was still there. To feel the heartbeat, to feel the tremble of my body beneath me.
I felt the need to hug. And hug more. And cuddle. And care.
I needed some company bad tonight.
I ran my hands up and down my arms, trying to get warm.
I would feel again.
"In the driveway, see you pull in. Then my heart stops, when you're stallin, as if the phone rang, and he's callin. Now you're backing up."
~ Rewind by Goldspot

Easy Like a Sunday Morning

I was beginning to understand.
I couldn't see any bad in the world because I was well loved. I was surrounded by people who cared about me and cared about my future. I was surrounded by people who needed me, and I needed in return. I was surrounded by people who got me, and who I understood in return. I was surrounded by people who saw me as a good person.
Now that I didn't pin my expectations and feelings all on one person, life had become a little easier.
I woke up in the softness of it all. Talking to people I cared about, who valued my opinions as I valued theirs. I left with my mother to walk the greyhounds in the brisk weather, feeling the sheer power of the dog next to me, feeling it in my own body. Holding a warm cup of coffee, sipping the warmth and sweetness slowly, feeling it heat my insides. Coming back home to my housemates, playing the beatles and singing along with them.
My life felt so grounded right now.
This felt like a major accomplishment, and I wish everyone could see how far I had come, and not how I had been before.
But that's not something I could control, and I just let it roll away.
"Do you believe, in what you feel? There doesn't seem to be anybody else who seems to agree with me."
~ In the Waiting Line by Zero 7

Best Friend Secret Code

I was having a good time. Talking was really nice.
We stumbled on the topic of next year's housing situation. To me, I couldn't imagine a better roommate. Not at all.
She mumbled something about her mother might think I was too emotional.
It was mumbled.
It got me a little bit off. I realized she told her mother everything, but I didn't think she told her mother everything. Some of the stuff I told her was kind of personal. Not stuff I wanted her mother to judge me about.
Scratch that housing plan, my best friend didn't even seem into it.
My best friend didn't seem into it.
It was my fall back, but still.
How could she not seem into it?
I wasn't serious enough. I wasn't perfect enough. I wasn't good enough.
It was a nice movie, a semi-nice meal (good enough for two poor college students), and an nice chat.
But I was kind of hurt.
Well, if things came out for the best she wouldn't have to make the choice. As I thought that I cringed.
And on top of that, I decided to try to do something nice for a guy I felt bad for. Who knows how that would go. I was hoping my thoughtfulness would get me good karma. I was hoping hard.
The cloud I had been semi-floating on was gone. It never failed to amaze me how I could understand or not understand about myself, how much I could know or not know. Every day it shocked me.
I was outed, and I wanted to care, but he didn't.
No more best friend secret code.

Dear Jane

It would be just like a romance movie to restore my faith in the world.
And destroy it.
I was finding the little pieces of Sara again that I missed. The girl who delved into novels in the middle of the night, the girl who wore breezy dresses dancing in the sunlight, the girl who dreamed of so much more.
The girl with dreams.
I found enjoyment in simple things. Simple thoughts.
It was easy to slip into complacency when you thought your world was perfect, when in fact, it really wasn't.
I thought about travel, I thought about learning, I thought about cooking, I thought about reading, I thought about writing, I thought about creating, I thought about photography, I thought about love.
I wanted to someone to see that.
I wanted someone to see me in my sloppy ponytail, the look that made me think I was a sloppy biologist more than ever, in a pretty, kind of carefully chaotic way.
Someone who was perfect in imperfection.
I definitely tended to play up the earthy intellect in my style sometimes.
Not to the point of hippie (although I've been accused of such) but to the point of tragically beautiful scientist type way.
Maybe I was taking liberty with my looks.
But today, looking at the strands fall around my face out of my poinytail, it didn't feel that way. It felt carefully staged in all it's misdirection.
I felt real and I felt beautiful.

Paper Faces on Parade

Lights passing above, passing by, in the darkness.
This dress was really short.
So short if I bent over you would see my underwear.
It covered up 1/8 of my legs.
Maybe less.
As I looked it the mirror, I turned a quarter, popping up my right heel. There was definitely a lot of leg to be had here. I looked impossibly long. And I liked it.
Curls fell softly in my face, my eyes lined in darkness.
I sat there quietly in the car. Sound disappeared in my head as I thought about this feeling.
There was a lot I missed about coupledom. A lot that was comfy and easy. But I no longer felt a manic need for it. I liked the possibility implied by being single.
I could have whomever I wanted, try on whomever I liked, live a life of intrigue with whomever I desired.
That felt liberating in a way I had never experienced before in my life.
I felt the compelling need to party, something I hadn't understood until lately. I felt the need to show my body off to the world, something I hadn't really felt to need to do for anyone else but a significant other.
I felt the need to be sexy.
The party in and of itself was a bust. But what it represented was so much more.
So much more of myself that I now understood.
And even if I didn't get a second look at the party, it didn't matter so much.
I was sexy, every part of me.
And you should have seen his face when I came home.
"Masquerade, paper faces on parade."
~ Masquerade, from the Phantom of the Opera

Fish in the Sea

I made the tiniest realization today.
Whether it be because I had low self-esteem, or because I was immature...dating made me manic.
I thought about it now that I had reached the place where I was now. I pinned all these expectations and feelings on relationships, and when I was let down, my entire life view was temporarily destroyed. That wasn't how I was normally. It was just how I was in a relationship. I let the other person command my self worth and value.
Yes, I know this sounds a little ridiculous.
But the way we think of love in society is so...lending to this view of myself. The idea that someday someone will love us and it will be wonderful, someday someone will see our true value.
It's a system that's setting us up to fail.
At least, it set me up to fail.
I don't realize my value as I am. I don't see myself clearly. I placed all this value on someone really seeing me, instead of friends.
Love was great. And I would find it. Someday.
I would have to grow up a little, I think.

Done

I wanted to be done.
I was done.
I was tired of trying to tell him how he hurt me. I was tired of him hurting me. I was tired of his apathy. I was tired of his huge lack of compassion for human beings. I was tired of trying to get him to see. I was so tired.
After he defriended me, I was hurt. He's right. It's just facebook. But he tried to put me in the same category as friends from high school he doesn't talk to. It stank of emotionlessness. It suggested heartlessness. It seemed to be apathy, or pain. I wasn't sure which.
It would tear me up inside for a while.
Maybe I was silly for being emotional. But that's better than being a robot. Which is what it felt like he was. How did he feel anything for anyone? I didn't tell him about all my exploits. I didn't feel the need to hurt him with "truthfulness."
Ok. Now I'm being a little hurtful.
I was done.
I wanted to be happy. I didn't know how to get there, but I was going to try.
My heart was big. I wasn't going to pretend it wasn't.
Time to be independent.
It was those small moments, when I jogged casually beside Lexi, feeling the power in my legs for a few small seconds, or finishing a huge assignment, really learning. It was those small moments I found happiness. It was fleeting, but it was there. Finding the little happy things was key. I strung them on a string, like little beads, ready to fall off at any moment. I wanted to be happy, I really did.
This song helped pull me through one break up, hopefully it would pull me through another.
"I went to sleep last night, tired from the fight, I've been fighting for tomorrow all my life. I woke up this morning, feeling brand new, because the dreams that I've been dreaming have finally come true."
~ It's a New Day by Will.i.am.

First Night Out

Ok. Two posts in one day. Bare with me.
I went out tonight, partially hoping to flirt and meet cute boys.
I was going with Eleni.
Ya, I knew I would let myself be overshadowed from the beginning.
I'm just not that kind of girl. I try being comfortable talking to anyone and everyone, but sometimes I feel silly. I dress so weird. I look so weird. I wore my glasses.
There was one cute guy, but as odds went out, no one was really interested in the quiet girl. I had a fun time all the same. They probably thought I was really weird...
That's ok. I thought they were weird.
It's strange, how different things can be from what you think. I thought back to the first times I ever talked to Max, to the first time he brought me over, and how I kept thinking staying there was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. And it wasn't a bad idea. I mean, we did break up and he was a douche and everything. But there was good for a while.
Max didn't even register for me and then here he was. I remembered how I would perk up when he was on facebook chat and we talked. I remember all the silly, jittery, boy likes me ecstasy.
I remember the first time I met Chase. I didn't even give him a second look either. He was too scruffy. He didn't look like he had any soft edges in his face. I learned different from that. He seemed distant and uncaring at first. He seemed detached and not interested. Which I don't think he was, because I don't think he remembers our first encounters. I didn't either at first, but they came back to me.
Strange how all that is past me.
We'll see how flirting goes. I just want to relax and flirt around, but since I'm not the best at flirting, we'll see what happens.
"Put your hands up."
~ Single Ladies by Beyonce

New Soul

Not to sound cliche, but...
I could see a little bit of hope peeking over the horizon, streaming in my window. My eyes were alight with a small flame of bright light. It was only a small light, but I knew this was the beginning. The beginning of the end of this slump. The end of this constant apathy.
My heart felt a little lighter, my feelings a litte more in tune. This seems also cliche and silly to say, but I felt like a guitar. With patience and calm, the strings played together perfect, a light strum letting out a subtle melody. All the colors of spring and summer played on my eyelids, intermixed with green leaves in that one strum.
I saw flashes of hope, flashes of the future. It looked bright. Until now I had only had very brief glimpses, that didn't really give me enough to hold on to. But now there was the dawn. I could cheer a little, see the flush in my pale cheeks, see the green sparkle in my hazelnut eyes. I could look at myself and see someone beautiful.
The reappearance of the real sun had something to do with it, I'm sure. I was out of the winter slum. I was out of the darkness and the dank. I was out of the winter doldrums.
I longed to don breezy cotton summer dresses, walk barefoot, and dance in the sun. I loved skirts and flip flops, sun screen and twin popsicles. The light was finally coming through for me. I couldn't wait to find myself on a beach, which I knew would happen once this summer, at very least when I went to visit Adriana. I loved and missed her so much, and the sun-kissed promise of summer seemed too sweet to suffer waiting for.
Hopefully I would find myself on more than one beach this summer :)
Beaches were my home away from home. I hoped to see a lot of sunshine, as I had many summers in a row. I longed for days of tans and odd swimsuit lines...bikinis and sand.
I just wanted to go. Have the days of summer and possibility be here. Music pumping, windows down here.
"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world, hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take. But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear, finding myself making every possible mistake."
~ New Soul By Yael Naim

Block

Thoughts of him made me sad, mentions of him made me angry.
I couldn't fit into my world. Everything about my life felt like a bubble. I felt emotionally detached.
It was infuriating that he was happy, and moved on to someone else. Just. Like. That. Now I suppose it had been about a month, but I was still angry.
I could see him, in my head, telling me I was "so damn cute."
I could feel him, kissing me, making me feel real.
And now, he was some entity I couldn't even approach. I couldn't trust him, I couldn't see him, I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't look at him.
Seeing him brought up an emotional wall, I suppose to protect me from feeling anything.
I wanted to be past this part.
I had been feeling ok most days until today. Yes, it had been a little up and down.
But I had been too busy to fester.
I missed him but I didn't see how I could care about him.
I wanted to cry and couldn't.
That hardly ever happens to me.

Numb

Feeling anything would be better than this.
This scared me--this apathy. I couldn't bring myself to care about anything. Sadness and pain didn't feel good, but I would rather have that clearly defined pain rather than a lack of feeling.
I couldn't be as sad or as angry as I had been, but I couldn't be as happy either. I couldn't feel the passion that I knew so well and thrived on.
Is this how most people feel?
Devoid of strong emotion?
This was so weird for me.
I wanted to be angry, be sad, be hurt, because that meant that I could be happy.
But no emotion came.
I sat in perfect empathy.
I hope this goes away soon.
Maybe it's the busyness of my schedule, drowning out any real emotion.
I hope this goes away soon.

The 2nd Day

To quote Bilbo Baggins, I felt like butter scraped over too much bread.
I was stretched increasingly thin. Everything was a race to the finish.
And it looked to be that way for a while.
All my homework needed to be done, and I couldn't get it done until the day before, let alone take care of my extracurricular activities.
And on top of that I think I was developing a crush on this kid in my Gender class.
Great.
I thought for a minute, well, at least this is distracting. When my mind sits to itself for a minute, at least I can make him a character in my endless fantasy world.
My imagination tends to run rampant. I envision all these possible scenarios with people, imagining they feel a certain way, or would act a certain way in a certain situation. It plays out in my head for a minute, and I am entertained.
Since all I knew about him was his blog entries for our class, that he liked to talk in class, he was a nerd (he had a lightsaber in his userpic) and that he used to be a smoker, it was easy.
I could make him into a character in my fake life.
This sounds a little crazy, to be sure. But it wasn't like I thought my fake life was going to come true, or that I was enthralled with it. It was just an easy way to keep my mind occupied without going crazy.
I also created situations to talk to him or cross paths with him. I wondered if he did the same. I could imagine, couldn't I?
So wow.
I think I have a crush on the kid in my Gender class.

Keep Me Hanging On

By The Supremes

Set me free, why don't cha babe
Get out my life, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
You don't really need me
But you keep me hangin' on

Why do you keep a coming around
Playing with my heart?
Why don't you get out of my life
And let me make a new start?
Let me get over you
The way you've gotten over me

Set me free, why don't cha babe
Let me be, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
Now you don't really want me
You just keep me hangin' on

You say although we broke up
You still wanna be just friends
But how can we still be friends
When seeing you only breaks my heart again
And there ain't nothing I can do about it

Woo, set me free, why don't cha babe
Woo, get out my life, why don't cha babe
Set me free, why don't cha babe
Get out my life, why don't cha babe

You claim you still care for me
But your heart and soul needs to be free
Now that you've got your freedom
You wanna still hold on to me
You don't want me for yourself
So let me find somebody else Hey!

Why don't you be a man about it
And set me free
Now you don't care a thing about me
You're just using me
Go on, get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on...

February

It was February and it looked to be a beautiful morning.
Then I saw him.
I had made a personal resolve not to mention him much again in this blog, or make him the central piece of my writing. I guess all I can say about this is that I hope that what happened is indicative of my approach towards him.
I was not expecting it. Probably the reason I had never seen him here was because I had gotten out of class early and so this was purely a chance meeting.
He said hi, and I looked up just long enough to register it was him before looking down again. I was mousy, I was quiet, I said hello. He asked me how I was and I struggled through a "good." He asked me where I was going and I said the Bennion Center, my voice muted and my eyes down. He said goodbye and I walked away quickly.
I was unable to function normally.
But it was clear I didn't want to interact with him. It was difficult for me. I couldn't even look at him for goodness sake.
Set me free why don't you babe, let me be why don't you babe...

January is Over

So all in all January was a hell month. Again.
I didn't really realize how much more I was blogging. If you have been paying careful attention (or just checking my monthly blog count by the side) you will have noticed I set a record. This will be my 24th post this month. I think that my previous record was maybe 15. Maybe.
I don't regret either of the relationships I have had in the past year. I treasure them both for different reasons, even though both of them ended badly. (One worse than the other, but who's keeping score?) I felt something special for both people, and both of them were different, contrary to popular belief. They both meant something to me. They both taught me important things about myself, sometimes more than once.
Did I love Max? If you've been paying attention, you know the answer is yes. Did I love Chase? The answer to this one is a little harder to decipher, but again, if you have been paying attention, you know the answer is no. Does that mean I could never have loved Chase? Absolutely not. We just didn't have enough time to fall in love. Does that mean I would have? Not necessarily. Although I was quite sure it was possible.
Each represented me in two different styles of growing affection. Although I developed an emotional attachment to both of them very quickly, the level of attraction came at me very differently. Max was a quick scalding burn. And like every burn, it lasted for many hours, days, weeks, and months afterward, burning me to the core, never quite going away. Chase was the crockpot of attraction. I slowly simmered, not realizing the impending heat. My feelings developed slowly, but were still there, heating me to the core.
This reminds me of a silly science fact/story.
I have heard that if you place a frog in scalding hot water, it will jump out and be fine. It recognizes the danger and jumps out. On the flip side, if you put a frog in cold water and heat that water slowly, the frog won't realize what is going on and will die because he won't jump out.
I could draw a bunch of parallels between this connection and my love life, but I don't think I will right now. I will let it marinate in my head for a while. I'm not entirely sure it's related.
I realized that I had wanted to keep my anger and sadness a little. I didn't want to give Chase the satisfaction of knowing I was alright and thinking I wasn't hurt by him anymore. I didn't want to give him the license to see someone else. I wanted him to feel guilty. I will never know if I achieved that, and I am doubtful as to whether I did or not. It's a toss up really. He would probably be extremely offended at me saying that. Oh well.
Another thing I didn't get. I will bring this up for the last time. How could he think it was ok to cuddle with me? I had a hard time believing he explained the entire situation to the girl he had made an "emotional connection" with, and even if he had, I wasn't ok with it. I wasn't ok with him telling me he wanted to kiss me only to say that he had someone else in line. He may have thought I started it, and maybe I did to some extent, but he is the one who got in the chair with me. Granted, that is where he had been sitting, but it wasn't like there was a lack of available chairs and he had to sit in it with me and bury his lips in my hair. It felt like a nasty trick, and I didn't understand why he thought it was ok. It wasn't ok with me.
I was ready to move on though. I was ready to stop fantasizing about seeing him or having him appear at my doorstep. I was ready to stop clicking open his window on my chat, wondering if he tried to talk to me and I missed it or say something in return. He clearly had moved on from me, and didn't want me in his life. He had done a fair job of ignoring me entirely. So I had to move on. I had to get him out of my head, I had to forget, even if I was doing it by myself. That would be healthy for me in the end.
Good riddance January. I have said my farewells to you.
Welcome February, you have to be better. There's no way you could be worse.
I sometimes end with quotes from songs, and today I decided to put down a couple that have been running through my head.

"Why do you keep comin' around, playing with my heart? Why don't you get out of my life, and let me make a new start? Let me get over you the way you've gotten over me. Set me free, why don't you babe, let me be why don't you babe. 'Cause you don't really love me, you just keep me hangin' on. You don't really want me, you just keep me hangin' on. You say although we broke up you still want to be just friends, but how can we still be friends when seeing you only breaks my heart again?"
~ Keep Me Hanging On by The Supremes

"Try to love me if you can. Are you strong enough to be my man? When I've shown you that I just don't care, when I'm throwing punches in the air, when I'm broken down and I can't stand, would you be man enough to be my man? Lie to me, I promise I'll believe. Lie to me, but please don't leave."
~ Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow

"Welcome to the real world, she said to me, condescendingly. Take a seat, take your life, plot it out in black and white. Well, I never lived the life of the prom kings and the drama queens. I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve. Enough to tell you stay inside the lines. But something's better on the other side."
~ No Such Thing by John Mayer

"All the way to Jackson, I don't think I'll miss you much. All the way to Jackson, I don't think I'll miss you much. Once I get to Lafayette, I'm not going to mind one little bit. Once I get to Lafayette, I won't mind one little bit. Once I get to Baton Rouge, I won't cry a tear for you. Once I get to Baton Rouge, I won't cry a tear for you."
~ Jackson by Lucinda Williams

The First Cut

I was learning to be single again.
It was bizarre coming to this realization at a brewery with Eleni and Tyson.
I was going to be ok.
It was really hard, seeing as I hadn't been decently single in over a year. A year and a half, really. I hadn't really taken any time inbetween to stop crying and worrying and just be me. It was bizarre to sit here and find that part of me again.
I realized that while I was so mad at Max, I had loved him. Part of me knew that. The first cut is the deepest, right? No one really ever forgets their first love, even if their first love is a complete douche bag.
Being in Park City always reminded me of him. I had walked the streets hand in hand with him once. I had stayed there for a weekend once. That was a nice weekend. We had nice moments together, even between the bad ones, and I could recognize them for what they were, at least for this moment. This didn't mean I ever wanted to get back with him (that would just be a bad idea all around) but it did mean I had loved and cared about him at one point.
That love had gone so deep, a memory of it still existed in my core. I had been intoxicated. One day I hoped I would feel that again.
The pizza was delicious, along with a beer. I settled into the fullness of my stomach, and how my body loved me for it. My stomach let out sighs of content.
This felt good, being out and treating myself well.
I wanted to hold onto this forever.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
~ Marilyn Monroe

Diamonds

I could see why people said hope and future glinted, like a jewel.
I could see it, happiness and myself glinting in the future. It was just a flash, but I could see it. It glittered like diamonds or crystals, reflecting the sun. As quickly as it was there, it was gone.
I had to learn how to be happy for myself, as much as I didn't want to. I was angry, I was so angry. At the point where I had to learn how to be self-sufficient, it seemed as if he was skipping that step, and just moving on. I was already past that. I had no more options to pursue. It seemed unfair, but it was what it was.
It felt like he'd never cared about me. It felt like I had no importance to him, and I held no spot in his heart. I was that easy to move on from.
But I saw the glint and I tried to hold on it.
I tried to hold on to swimming in the ocean, moving to the coast, going to grad school, and finding someone I loved, eventually.
I wanted to love someone again one day.
Here in this loneliness, feeling like everything was a lie, I wanted to feel love.
I wanted lazy mornings and secret touches. Driving to Blue Plate in the morning, holding hands across the table. Waking up in the late morning bright rays of sun in a soft bed with soft kisses. Tickles under the falling leaves and coffee sitting close. All the lazy things that meant love to me. Sweet, gentle, caring love.
One day I would find it again. Even though it felt so far away and unattainable. One day I would love again.

I'm Not Over

It seemed as if the Universe was trying to shove him in my face.
I was on my way to class when I saw his car. I walked out one of the few designated pathways amidst the construction and there it was. It was his. His red bag was tossed in the back, although I didn't need to see that to identify the car.
The temptation to do something...was well, tempting. But I walked away from it, unsure of what I was feeling.
Something was pulling me, torturing me as a I walked away. I concentrated on what I was feeling because it was making me feel anxiety in the pit of my stomach.
I gritted my teeth in physics while I thought. I was sad. I felt loss. I felt a hint of betrayal. It felt unfair for him to admit things to me, but take them away, like a nasty joke. Just kidding, I've replaced you, and I could never care about you again. Just kidding I've found someone new and better. Just kidding, I'm going to use my power over you to make you want me and then leave.
It stung.
Why would he do that?
I felt feelings for him deep in my chest, like a wound I couldn't seal. Why did he have to make it so hard?
I felt anger.
But mostly I felt loss.
I realized what I most wanted to do when passing his car was climb in. I wanted the owner of that car to be there, and unlock it for me. I wanted us to drive away, and for everything to be okay again. I had a feeling I wouldn't see the car there again any time soon.
I was so angry.
It seemed like he had more free time than he had let on. Plus now I hear he was thinking of grad school? Something about that enraged me. All the reasons he dumped me seemed not to exist.
I wasn't over this, and I couldn't pretend I was.
"What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind, that I never missed a beat. Can't explain the who or what I was trying to believe. What would you do? What would you do, do you know? I once had a grip on everything, it feels better to let go. I'm not over, I'm not over you just yet. Can not hide it, you're not that easy to forget. I'm not over."
~ I'm Not Over by Carolina Liar

Little Life

I could tell instantly something was wrong with the mouse.
She wasn't moving, she wasn't scampering, and she wasn't trying to get away. It made me stare for a moment.
He asked me to pet her. She didn't move, or even twitch. I was scared at this point, even though finally touching one of the mice gently and lovingly seemed like a prize. He nudged it. That's when she started to move. But she couldn't. The poor mouse couldn't even pick up her body, and was trying to scurry away with just her legs. Something about that made me want to cry. It was just so...sad.
I have said it before, but I don't like when it's so clear and obvious someone needs something, or wants something, but can't get it for themselves. It breaks my heart every time. This mouse couldn't move. He placed her carefully by the food, to pick her up last, since we knew she wouldn't move from that spot.
I finally put her in a cage. Through my glove I could feel the little body cold. It was still a living and breathing body, but at a much lower temperature. That couldn't be good. I just wanted to hold her in my hand, close to my heart until she warmed up again. Before I had even noticed it, I had done that instinctively.
But it was very clear she was dying.
A small, needly pain attacked my heart when he told me to put her in the cage. We were going to sack her. I knew she was in pain, but putting her in the cage seemed cruel. With no bedding and no other mice, she lay there pathetically. No doubt hyperventillating and shivering.
When he asked me what I wanted to do, I knew we had to put her down right away. I couldn't stand to see her in the cage alive and suffering much longer.
And so we did.
I picked up her body, limp with lifelessness. No pain or desperate cold existed in this body anymore. The dead body was easier to handle than the dying one.
As we walked upstairs to put her in the freezer, he turned and said to me:
"She's in a mountain of swiss cheese."
I smiled a little bit. This comforted me. She was certainly in mousy heaven.

Maybe

It's always a little bit of a shock to find out your love was a sham.
The more and more I thought about it, the worse and worse I felt. His lies came so quickly and easily. He had fooled me.
I guess I didn't see through it quite as transparently before. I didn't want to believe it.
He had probably lied that he loved me.
That was more than a year ago, but as I thought about it I cringed. Maybe he lied. He had taken the words back out of his mouth. Said they weren't true. Maybe they had never been true. Maybe it was all a careful ruse to get to me.
My heart sank.
I hadn't lied.
It was over, but it felt unreal. Now that every good feeling was gone I wondered. I felt myself suffering through these personal queries alone.
Maybe he lied.

When You're the Mistake

Nobody apologizes to you when you are the mistake.
No one sits you down, tells you it's ok, says I'm so sorry I hurt you. When you are the mistake, people only say sorry to those who aren't the mistake. Those who were wronged. But if you were the mistake, weren't you also wronged?
I felt sick. My stomach turned, I couldn't concentrate, I needed to lie down. I wasn't under any impression that I was his someone. She had been. She had felt special. She had so much more to lose then I did, and I was afraid of the judgment in her voice.
My faults were made for all to see. It wasn't just my secret. I had to open up, I had to be honest, because it was what was right. I shouldn't have had to be honest. It should've been my secret to keep. But he made it so I had to call her and tell the girl I barely knew my shameful secret. It wasn't shameful when I could keep it to myself and didn't have to worry about anyone else's feelings. I had been an instrument in her anguish. And even though it wasn't my fault, I had played a part. It didn't matter that it was unknowingly. I feared her judgment and the judgment of her friends. It wasn't just my secret anymore. I had shared it openly and honestly, and felt nothing drawing me back. But now that it was common knowledge I cringed. Who knows what they thought of me. I was dirty.
My heart felt ripped. The poison from the situation was slipping in the tears. I could not suffer two such injuries, each feeding upon the other. I wanted so desperately to cry.
I had all dignity taken from me, all because of him. I could have no happy memories of our time together because I was a mistake. I was never special, I was never real.
And in addition I was heartbroken.
So painfully heartbroken.
The man I cared about had hurt me, left me, and in addition I was in this mess. I hadn't moved on, I had just made it worse.
So tragically heartbroken.

Engaged

Why did this bug me so much?
I wanted to be happy and think it was cute.
But instead I just felt rotten. Like everyone had someone except me.
I smiled and squealed.
I was happy for her.
Just not as happy as I thought I should be.
I had to get out of Utah.

Distance

I was still downright angry. But the best thing I could do know was distance myself.
I just don't think he understood his emotions correctly. And maybe I was wrong, but I felt like I had done some of the exact things he was doing, I knew what they meant even if he didn't, and it was frustrating knowing that I couldn't explain these things to him and have him believe me.
I had tried to be the good friend before. At the exact same time after the break up in fact. I had gone to Max when he felt terrible, even though I knew it was a bad idea. I had told myself I was doing the right thing, and being a good friend where he didn't have one. I had told myself I was doing something good.
But in break ups those rules didn't apply.
I really just wanted to see him, convince him I could be there for him without having ties to him while it was so clear I couldn't let him go. He was doing the same thing to me now. Coming over, maybe even seriously saying he was coming over as friend, which he may have meant, but could never know he didn't mean except in retrospect. The mirrors in the situation were astounding.
I had told Max I had wanted to be friends. That we could be friends. But, deep down, I wasn't ready. And neither was Chase. Just because he thought that he would be ready didn't mean he would be.
And in fact, I liked the way Sabrina put it.
There was no rule you had to be friends.
It pained me to think that his importance would diminish, and I wouldn't care if he was in my life anymore. But she was right. There was no rule. I think sometimes saying that we could be friends was more hopeless optimism to keep us from cracking from the stress of the break up. It was obvious he still had feelings for me, and I for him, and while that was still true we couldn't be friends. And I thought to myself, it's quite possible that when we don't feel anything for each other anymore, we might not want to be friends.
That was painful, but it was a little naive to believe otherwise. It was hoping for something because you still had want of connection. I just had to keep my distance now, and lick my wounds. I knew if I interacted with him again, they would reopen, and prolong the pain. Until we moved on from each other completely, we would continue to say hurtful things to each other and make the other feel terrible. Just so we could reconcile our feelings. I just had to distance myself and move on, no matter how hurt I felt. It didn't matter that I felt replaced and that any good thing he had said to me now felt fake. It didn't matter that I felt unwanted, and like I had never been special. I would just have to push forward and fix these problems for myself. I couldn't worry about him moving on, and me wanting it not to be real. Even though I knew it wasn't, I couldn't care.
I had to heal.
I had to have distance.
Even though my heart told me that's not what I wanted.

Stage Two

Anger.
I felt unruly rage. How could people act like this? How could people look me in the face and say the things they said?
I just couldn't believe someone would bury their face in my hair, sit with me, and hold me in their arms.
Maybe I was putting more stock by his actions than I should.
But the air was electric. I could feel the tension between us that only meant one thing. And he just stayed. And stayed. And stayed.
I knew this behavior. I knew that it meant he couldn't leave until he kissed me.
So when he said he'd found someone else, I was a little more than shocked.
"Then why are you touching me?"
Of all the good intentions, to come as a friend, I knew something he didn't. I had been in this exact same position myself once. You told yourself you were being a good friend. But deep in there somewhere, your actions had a different motive. A motive to see someone, because you still feel for them, it's just convenient they need you there as a friend.
Coming as a friend might be what you want it to be, what you say it is, but that isn't what it is, if you really think about it.
I thought about my anger carefully. Better to feel anger than sadness, I guess. I couldn't feel anything for anyone else but him, and so I would have to stop feeling for him. I would have to move on.
The thing that struck me as odd was all his feelings about this. I didn't think he understood correctly how he would feel. Unless he didn't have a heart. He thought he would be over it sooner, but I saw this girl as the device that she was in part. He probably still cared about her, but he needed her to move on. I couldn't argue with it, I had done that before.
I didn't want anybody else to be hurt like I was.
But I guess I couldn't control that.
So I would give into my rage for now, and hopefully the world would right itself if I just kept pushing forward into life.

Two Swords

I suffered death by two swords. One hideous, and one honorable.
It didn't seem fair that I should suffer the same pain two different ways, twice in one day.
I suppose I looked for emotional support in all the wrong places.
He was so close, touching me. I could feel the connection between us. But I was too scared. I knew he wanted to lean in to me, but he wouldn't. That's what made me scared.
My sobs escaped as he walked away.
How could I let this happen?
Why did he touch me?
How in the hell was this fair?
To suffer two rejections in one day was a feat. I hadn't even meant to suffer them either. But they just happened. I felt a dagger in my back and a rapier in my heart.
I hadn't meant to be replaced. I hadn't meant to be the only one who ended up alone and uncared for.
I hadn't meant to be left here, legs pulled to my chest, I hadn't meant to suffer a rejection. I could have lived life without knowing he moved on. But here he was telling me so. With his arm around me. I was the only one left behind again. I was the only one left with feelings, the only one left longing. Why had I let him come over in the first place?
Because I was lonely and I needed someone NOW. Later was just simply not good enough. I needed someone to comfort and listen NOW. And he had offered. I just needed a crying shoulder for one minute, one that I could actually physically cry on.
He didn't want to hurt me again, but in saying those things and walking away, he had. A hurt I wasn't even aware I could feel anymore.
I didn't want to be the only one who felt alone.
I didn't feel like the world wasn't fair.
I didn't want to feel like this was always going to happen.
I didn't want to be alone forever.

Write Write Write

no no no.
This couldn't be happening.
Maybe because I had tried to put it behind me, or think about anything but that, now, when I allowed myself the time to think, he caught up with me.
It seemed like a lot of things were catching up with me lately.
I was overtaken by crippling loneliness. Everywhere I heard doors shutting. Shut shut shut. Doors on my heart, shutting infinitely, again and again, blue ones, about the size of a paperback book. Shut shut shut. Doors to see people. Big, dark, green ones, big as the door to my room. Shut shut shut. Doors to happiness. Big red ones with black handles about half the size of a normal door. Shut shut shut.
No one was around, no one could see me, no one could talk to me. The only person who could thought it was a bad idea. And maybe it was. But there was no one else. The loneliness was ripping my heart apart. Shred shred shred. I pulled my arms around my chest in the fetal position, tears blossoming in my eyes. The pressure in my upper body seemed to subside with the way I was situated. Cry cry cry. I was emotionally exhausted.
I turned on the mix I made for him, which helped and hurt. I saw him looking at me on the hill, the first time we did something, just us. I saw the setting sun in his green eyes. I heard the words he said, asking permission to kiss me. I felt his hand on my back, and saw the same gesture stroking his mother's back lovingly amidst the christmas decorations. I saw him for his sweetness, instead of his malice.
All this had caught up with me. I had sloughed it off, hoping to feel nothing, but it was back because I was back. Here. The same place I had been before.
Alone.
I had no comforts left to sustain me. I gave in to the sadness. I gave in to the loneliness. I gave in to the tears. I gave in to the hopelessness. I gave in to everything.
I became too tired to resist the vision of his eyes, alight with golden-red beams of fire. I buried myself in them and no longer resisted.
I buried myself in the pain, the longing, and the loss.
I was ready to lay open to my heart's wounds.

Humanity

My life....felt a little disorganized right now. Maybe the long weekend had created a drain on my brain but....
I had had a lot of ups and downs this weekend. That was hard for me to understand because...honestly? How can your mood vary so frequently?
Thinking about him was...well, it wasn't painful. It was just...empty and sad. It was another chapter in my life, one I felt like I was just trying to forget and close off. My head was already moving on to the next thing. It wanted to put as much distance with those memories as it could. It would not see me sad again. It WOULD NOT see me reduced to the sadness I had been in before. That simply was...too sad.
Thinking about the other him was anything but less complicated. I didn't like this false sense of dependency returning. The need to have him validate me. So I shut that off as well. And with so many things getting shut off, what was I really feeling anymore?
I thought about him saying how I had wanted him to read my blog when we were together, as sort of a passive aggressive way to state my complaints. And I sort of thought that was true. But did I actually want him to read them? Probably not.
I mean, I wanted to put them out there, but I didn't necessarily think I wanted to hurt people. I wanted to express how I felt in the endless sea of html.
I still went back. I still checked his page, I still wanted to know what he was up to, even if he hated me and cared nothing for me now. And the need seemed...unfounded. The pain seemed distant. My life felt separate from me in these moments.
And all this didn't seem to make sense. It felt disorganized and random. It felt unreal. Surreal if you well.
I'm sure I'm not making any sort of sense.
I was watching this documentary, called "This Emotional Life." It was interesting. All the while talking about how we needed human relationships in our lives.
That struck me as odd, because everyone around me was telling me how to be happy I had to find it in myself, I had to be individual, I had to strive on my own.
But clearly, this documentary said quite the opposite. It said we needed human relationships to be happy.
And maybe I needed to be happy without a guy, but it seemed to state that I couldn't be happy without other people. Scientific evidence to boot.
It meant this longing I felt for human connection was normal.
The documentary also had another section about facing our fears.
It talked about sadness and depression. When sadness becomes prolonged, that is depression and that's not normal. I was sure without a doubt that I had experienced prolonged sadness in my lifetime. The thing is, I didn't want to solve it with medication or therapy. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted those human bonds, but I felt like I was craving the wrong ones or going about them the wrong way? No. That can't be right. Because sometimes I felt happy. Most times I felt happy. It was just sadness was so reoccurring and so hard for me to deal with. The documentary said this emotion was normal, but I didn't like it.
I wanted to stop my loneliness.
I tell you a fear I have, straight out. I have felt love. Most passionate love. But now that it's gone...I worry. Will I ever feel like that again? This documentary also had something to say about that. We, as human beings, have a problem. If we feel the need for something, or have felt something and don't feel it now, it occupies our brains, and our anxiety runs rampant. We can't imagine there will be a time where we won't feel like we feel right now. In my case, lonely. Without that wonderful feeling of love.
People believe you will always find love. But how can you say that? How can you know? I fear I will never love so deeply, and in turn never be loved as deeply back. Am I crazy?
Or human?
I hope to find solace in myself, but I just don't know if it's there.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/