Satellite

I didn't know what to do.
What did he do this for?
"You have trouble letting things go."
Could I please punch him in the face for saying that?
"You shouldn't be dating right now."
Could I please kick him in the head for saying THAT?
I knew where I was. I knew what was going with life. How could so much disappear so quickly? Well, it didn't disappear. But I was having trouble letting it hold water right now. That's a lie. It was holding water. Lots of water. Sara water, if you will.
But I wasn't going to pretend this situation wasn't causing me anxiety.
He was right. I did have more important things I needed to focus on, it was true. But was that my life? Continuing to focus on important things? Did I not get to have someone at my side?
Something told me that with such dreams I might have to sacrifice love.
Now that didn't seem quite fair.
Maybe I was so anxious because I was trying to warn myself. Warn myself that friends wasn't really what I wanted, something I wasn't really willing to settle for. Maybe in my head, I was telling myself to keep things cool because I knew being friends was just a way to keep the emotional closeness. A substitution for something I couldn't have.
And was I being mature to accept his friendship? Or selfish?
Only time would tell.
All I could do was let it unfold and hope I was a little stronger than I gave myself credit for, and not make the same mistake twice.
There is other fish in the sea right? But would that make him jealous? I didn't want to deal with that. But I had felt this way before. Like maybe it was right to go back when it wasn't. I couldn't stand the thought I wasn't ready when he was. So I told myself he wasn't.
And he wasn't, right? How could he be?
Right?
"You're my satellite. You're riding with me tonight. Passenger side, ligthing the sky, you're always the first star that I find. You're my satellite."

~ Satellite by Guster