Change The World

"It's up to you."
These and many other words passed through her lips. Directed at me. She told me I was going to change the world.
That was quite a hefty load to tote around. And I have a feeling that I would be a little egocentric to think that I actually would. But I could try, right? My 8th grade English teacher Mrs. Nielsen didn't award me "Most Likely to Change the World" for nothing.
Maybe I really was going to change the world.
I wanted to change the world. I wanted to affect change. I wanted to believe I could do it. My heart was so big. I knew sometimes I wasn't right, and sometimes I was short-sighted, but I was learning. I could recognize the wrongs I had done. I could also recognize my potential.
Maybe she was just stroking my ego. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was finally being part of things. Big things.
New York, here I come.

Science Rules

I trudged up the stairs, unsure what I was going to work on, and dreading it the whole way. Out of breath, I mounted the last steps to the 5th floor. Intake of breath and walk in.
I had a slight headache and had been feeling slightly nauseous for a couple of days. I called my boss and tried not to audibly groan, even though I knew I was doing it on the inside.
I hadn't poured gels in months. Woopee. This was going to be fun.
But then I got into the rhythm of it, and the rest of the world went away. I could focus on tapping out the bubbles, pouring the liquid, and looking on with a sense of accomplishment as I placed saran wrap over my smooth, clear gel. So clear I poured another, just as successfully.
The rhythm smoothed out into the rest of my work. Loading a gel was easy. Frustrated with broken pipetters, I was determined. Blue and purple wells lined up so perfectly, on a gel all my own. The colors were my little stained glass in the world of science.
The pcr went just as smoothly. I was so practiced in these skills, I found pride in doing them.
In science there was an odd clarity. No where else in my life was I awarded as much clarity as I was in the lab. Either things worked or they didn't. If they did, great. If they didn't, there was always some explanation. Whether apparent or not, we would find the solution. Through brainstorming and trial and error.
In science there was reality, in science there was calm and logic.
My own two hands could make sense of this world.
I was born to do this.

Watching

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you are living life, but it is happening outside of you? And not in a bad way, but just that nothing matters except the moment you have now, that the only important things are happening now, and you forget everything else?
It was like living in a movie. As he drove, it was pleasant to have almost no thought. His wrangler chugged along, while we drove with the windows down and old music pumping. Loose curls fell around my face, big sunglasses framed my eyes. I had tied my bandana around my next, 70s style. I looked like a 70s wife...or something. Maybe a young wife. And him totally grunge 60s, his bandana tied around his forehead, with his crazy hair overflowing. We looked like we'd walked out of a movie, and were heading to a beach, matching green shirts and all.
"Hey there honeycakes."
It just felt so painless and effortless, and I never wanted to lose this moment, this calm, this friendship. I had found my people.
Then there were the times you felt like you were in the twilight zone.
I drove through the valley and everything felt surreal. Things I had once loved and grew up with seemed familiar and unreal. The valley felt so small, I almost felt trapped. I was no small city girl, I'd discovered. I was born for a big world, as scary as it was. And in this bubble, it wasn't real, and I drove away, leaving behind that claustrophobic, strangling feeling. I was fine to visit, but that was no longer where I wanted to live at all. There was just something in the air, something that said my soul would be trampled out of me there. Too small and too oppressive for me to live a life of happiness there, with a million weird looks and judgments from all directions.
Yes I was glad to move on from there.

Innerpartysystem

Somehow, there were still ways.
I had never pretended I didn't live life out loud. I didn't believe in denying how you really feel. That didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Sure, if it was going to hurt someone, you didn't tell them that you got your feelings hurt when they left you behind or that you were going to feel your heart break if they got in that relationship.
But if you knew, if you knew from the beginning that you would hurt them more in the end by not telling the truth, if they found out, that they would be torn up inside, you should tell the truth. Tell the truth and avoid needless pain, although there would be pain.
I didn't believe in saying I didn't feel how I did or that I didn't want what I did. It would tear me up inside otherwise. And my past had shown me suppressing emotions wasn't the best plan, especially since my emotions were so large, colorful, and loud.
He was giving me the I'm busy reason again. I realized very quickly that nothing had changed. He wanted what he had had, without actually having to do anything about it. But my close friends--close friends like he wanted to be, I spent a lot of time with. They either lived with me or saw me a couple times a week. I have to admit, there were some outliers, and I treasured them. But that kind of emotional closeness--took work.
It just seemed like he felt bitter towards me and it hurt my heart.
But I guess there was really nothing I could do about it now.

"I can't remember what I had said. Something reminiscent of a relationship. It was easier to lack the truth than tell you how I really feel. But I will surround your heart with lies."

~ Heart on Fire by Innerpartysystem

Say

The evening started out...all over the place, disastrous.
I was ready to kill someone. I eventually just gave up and went with my dad. I loved him, and I knew if I stayed there a moment longer I would lose it. I walked away. They might think I was pouting, and a brat. But this would be a better option than fuming in their company and refusing to smoke.
I would just come off as a bitch that way, and at least leaving with my dad prevented me from being a super bitch.
After a while, I realized I liked being with friends. As much as I loved my dad, I wanted to be silly. So I left him and searched out Ryan. They were fun to talk to, but no one wanted to dance. And I wasn't about to dance all on my own. Eleni came by, and said hello. He gave me a hug. What happened next I hadn't anticipated. He held on and whispered in my ear that he was sorry. It chilled and raised the hairs on the back of my neck. He held me a little longer than I was expecting. They walked away and I kept trying to dance. The outskirts weren't a place of crazy dancers. I knew I wanted to be in the thick of things.
I followed his head, tallest in the crowd and found them. From that point onward, the dancing with Abby didn't stop.
I was trying my best to do the honorable thing, and not break the best friend code. But I was ever aware of his presence. I made him dance and clap his hands over his head. I looked drunk but I didn't care.
Sometimes you just need to let the dancing out. When you can't handle everything around you, and need to let yourself out, dance. Dance like no one is watching. All the catharsis I had needed, was here, shaking out of every part of my body. I had wanted a haircut and I didn't get it. I had dressed up cute, and they weren't even wanting to see it. So hell if I care, I was going to dance. I was going to dance every emotional tension out of my body.
Strangely enough, it seemed to work.
We walked back, and a little bit of my spirit died. I don't remember why, but he pulled me in. And held on. Squeezed my side. I wanted to tell myself this didn't mean anything, but I was always a sucker for hope. Honorable was far gone from here.
He let go, and I was sad. I let her sit up front. And I felt the weakness I felt in the smooth seats, power emanating from the car.
We all talked. And...we left. I opened the door, because I could feel increasing tension and wanted to give honorable another chance. I began to walk out and he told me not to leave. He hugged her and we walked out. He walked me to my door. Anything could have happened, as hope had taught me to do. He pulled me in and hugged me a little longer than friendly. I only hugged closer friends that long.
The side of his face collided with mine. I couldn't. He would have to man up, and I would have to give up.
All I could handle was wishful thinking. He had told me I shouldn't be dating. He also told me he usually just asked girls out. So I probably had too much hope, and should just stop trying.

"Well bless my soul, you're a lonely soul. 'Cause you won't let go of anything you hold. All I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head."

~ Say (All I Need) by OneRepublic

No Such Thing

The easy, cool weather and the calm mood reminded kept me happy.
I listened to John Mayer. John Mayer always reminded me of fall. Fall was my favorite season, so you can imagine that John Mayer was very close to my heart for that reason.
I suppose this was because of one memory, a special memory that I haven't ever been able to forget.
Every fall, my parents would drive us up Logan Canyon to look and the leaves, and even sometimes gather leaves. My favorite were always the strikingly red--a red that looked almost unreal in all it's brightness. Fall was my favorite season because it was a season of new beginnings--a new school year, new clothes, a new age. My birthday was in autumn, so I suppose that persuaded me a little bit. This particular day, it was just my mom, my brother Grey, and I driving up the decorated canyon. While some have said fall is just signs of death, I've never been able to see it. It's just the flair before the long sleep. The last party for the year. This drive, my mom put Room for Squares in the CD player. It was the first time I had heard the CD, and I loved it from the get go. All the leaves flashing past me in the front seat, accompanied by this calm audio. My mother talked to me, a long conversation, even contemplating John Mayer's possible Asperger's Syndrome. We had one of our only really good long talks.
Long after this drive, I always associated John Mayer with the leaves and the calm car ride. What I wuoldn't give to be back there, doing the same thing, again.

"I want to run through halls of my high school, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I just found out there's no such thing as a real world, just a lie you've got to rise above."

~ No Such Thing by John Mayer

Classy

We sat in his apartment, glasses of red wine in front of us.
This was when we decided to play scrabble.
As nerdy as this sounds, it was very nice. We were calm, we were ourselves. We were having a quiet night in. I would have won scrabble had I not had so many high scoring letters left when the last letter was put on the board.
It gave me pause to think. I had missed this. I had been spending almost every weekend night with Eleni, and most likely saw her 5 out of 7 days of the week. She really was my best friend, and I would miss her when I left.
And when she didn't live one house down.
The warm weather and sunshine gave me a noticeable mood lift. The winter doldrums were over. The sky was blue, the grass was green, and little yellow dandelions polka-dotted the ground. This was when I knew myself at my best. My heart was free, and anything felt possible, anything at all.
The warmth washed over me, bathing me in light and happiness. I was a child of heat, a lizard in that sense. It rejuvenated me and gave me life. It made me feel good through all my layers down to the core of my being.
I found it hard to feel any more myself than I did now.

"Maybe the sun will shine today. Maybe the clouds will blow away. Maybe I won't feel so afraid. I will try to understand. Either way."

~ Either Way by Wilco

Confrontation

"That's not really how you're conveying yourself."
And just like that, like a slap in the face, I knew. He was looking down his nose at me. He thought I was being stupid and emotional.
He was angry with me.
I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what else to expect. I was confused and I was trying to sort it out. It didn't make a lot of sense why he wanted to be friends with me when he said stuff that sounded so condescending like that.
It was like a cut, stinging and fresh. The most brilliant shade of red, like unexpected roses. Smarting until the blood could clot.
A part of me still wanted him to want me.
Maybe that was my fault.
What was I going to do now? I was hurt and him the cause. He didn't want you, he wouldn't make the effort to see you, even if he wanted to be friends.
You weren't worth it.
How could I not see I was better than all of this?

Anything to Make You Smile

I went to Postsecret last night, welling with anticipation.
As I sat in the room filled with students buzzing, my heart raced. I saw them set up the secret microphones. Right down the aisle from me. I knew I had to get in front of one right away.
He sounded a little like Kermit the frog. That made me laugh.
My palms sweated in anticipation. I began to shake a little. As soon as he announced we could go to the mics, several people got up. I knew I had to get up there right away before I changed my mind or the line got too long.
So I went up and told this story.
When I was in 8th grade, I was playing hide and seek at a birthday party. No one found me. After a while I heard everyone coming back and talking frantically. They thought I had been kidnapped. It got later and later, and I didn't come out because I thought it would be too late and they would be mad at me. Eventually, they all piled in a truck and saw where I was hiding by the house. A week later, one of the girls told my mom about the whole thing and when she asked me what happened, I lied and said I hadn't heard them.
I had never told anyone the truth, and had felt guilty about it for years.
Even worse, I felt really guilty for stealing a pen in 7th grade. The girls behind me saw me do it and accused me of it. I lied and said I hadn't taken it.
It's odd, having these secrets out, secrets I had never told anyone before.
Some of the secrets were sad and touching. Some of them were hilarious. But there was an odd sort of release and compassion in the room.
At very last there was one person, who sneaked up just in time. I knew him. He announced that he was sorry for pretending to be straight and dating a girl for years.
I was absolutely floored. His suitemate and his roommate had both been gay when I met them all! It was insane. I knew I had to find him and give him a big hug, because I knew he had given up his aspiration of wanting to be a catholic priest. He hugged me with his whole body back. And it felt like his whole heart. I was so glad he could share.
I was more touched by this moment than a lot in my life, believe in the power of a good hug.

"No one is ever going to love you more than I do."

~ No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses

Rain

As I walked outside, cold droplets slipped down my neck.
Usually the gray weather was calming, almost dulcet. The gray tones would soothe and put me at piece. But today all it did was accentuate the gloom that pressed down upon my chest, pushing every breath out of me. Each droplet, which would normally be refreshing, pounded upon my soul.
The swarm of memories did the same thing as the cacophony of the rain, beating my head. I had a splitting headache.
I was reminded of plaid skirts and mike 'n ikes, freschetta and chewed pen lids.
So much of that time seemed dark. My time of corruption, and rebellion.
My how times have changed.
Strange how one week nothing could bring me down. And it all seemed to good to be true.
I guess that was life, the ups and downs. I just had to ride it out, and appreciate the good times I had.

"Some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice. 'Cause I speak with the pompitous of love. People talk about me, baby. Say I'm doing you wrong, doing you wrong. Well don't you worry baby, don't worry. 'Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home. 'Cause I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner. Playing my music in the sun. I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toquer, getting my lovin' on the run."

~ Joker by Steve Miller Band

Ruby

I had no space.
It was making me feel vulnerable and shut down. My bed was infested. That was the scariest and most disturbing part of all this. The place I was most vulnerable was my bed, as I slept. All I wanted was to be safe and alone. But my personal space was violated--by these bugs. These bugs that bit me, stole my blood, stole my safe place.
And my roommate wouldn't go with me to a clean bed, a clean place to stay. More than anything I wanted to not be alone, but to be alone, if that made sense. I wanted safety and comfort. But I could have neither.
It was amazing how stripped and vulnerable I could feel when denied a bed, denied my space, and denied privacy. I hated it. It made me want to cry.
My emotion was paralyzed.
And on top of all that, I was here. In the very same lab I had spent nights ferreting away the hours, waiting for his departure. The smell hit me with a weird sweetness, that reminded me so much of him. Nights I had spent here until 1 in the morning waiting. Waiting for a safe place. Here I was exposed and inundated. Inundated by smell and emotion and memory. It smelled sweet and at the same time smelled of fresh supplies. Computer paper and laser ink. Computer air. That led to different memories, different times, a different person, with different safe spaces. It reminded me of Chewy, cameras, double monitors, musty couches, plaid bedsheets, Park City, Ruby, fettuccine noodles with tomato sauce, weird toothy faces, intense concentration, square glasses, nordic hats, and late winter nights, here.
It reminded me of him and accentuated my loneliness.
I wanted to curl up in bed next to a beating, understanding heart. That would keep me safe. Or at least give me that illusion. Alone in Chapel Glen I would not feel safe. With no roommate and no guest I would feel alienated and alone. I would have no safe space.
All this really did make me want to cry.
No safe space.

"Let it never be said that romance is dead 'cause there's so little else occupying my head. There is nothing I need 'cept the function to breath...Due to lack of interest, tomorrow is canceled. Let the clocks be reset and the pendulums held. 'Cause there's nothing at all 'cept the space imbetween, finding out what you're called and repeating your name."

~ Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs

Satellite

I didn't know what to do.
What did he do this for?
"You have trouble letting things go."
Could I please punch him in the face for saying that?
"You shouldn't be dating right now."
Could I please kick him in the head for saying THAT?
I knew where I was. I knew what was going with life. How could so much disappear so quickly? Well, it didn't disappear. But I was having trouble letting it hold water right now. That's a lie. It was holding water. Lots of water. Sara water, if you will.
But I wasn't going to pretend this situation wasn't causing me anxiety.
He was right. I did have more important things I needed to focus on, it was true. But was that my life? Continuing to focus on important things? Did I not get to have someone at my side?
Something told me that with such dreams I might have to sacrifice love.
Now that didn't seem quite fair.
Maybe I was so anxious because I was trying to warn myself. Warn myself that friends wasn't really what I wanted, something I wasn't really willing to settle for. Maybe in my head, I was telling myself to keep things cool because I knew being friends was just a way to keep the emotional closeness. A substitution for something I couldn't have.
And was I being mature to accept his friendship? Or selfish?
Only time would tell.
All I could do was let it unfold and hope I was a little stronger than I gave myself credit for, and not make the same mistake twice.
There is other fish in the sea right? But would that make him jealous? I didn't want to deal with that. But I had felt this way before. Like maybe it was right to go back when it wasn't. I couldn't stand the thought I wasn't ready when he was. So I told myself he wasn't.
And he wasn't, right? How could he be?
Right?
"You're my satellite. You're riding with me tonight. Passenger side, ligthing the sky, you're always the first star that I find. You're my satellite."

~ Satellite by Guster

Beautifully Chaotic

A sloppy ponytail in which the bangs fell in front of her face in dark brown, winsome tendrils. Behind these tendrils sparkled sharp, questioning and curious eyes. A deep earthy brown tinged with emerald green spirals dancing in the light. Pinkly tinged cheeks, warm from pulses of hot water that had fallen upon them, on a smooth ivory face.
Snuggled under the warmth of blankets, a slim, whimsical body curled up in skinny jeans, aware of such innate beauty.
From slender legs led to sloppy sock monkey slippers. So big and gawky they found themselves in a laughable cuteness.
A small bounce existed in this beautifully chaotic ponytail, hinting at a greater vigor. How enjoyable it was to shake her head back and forth, and feel the soft ends of her silky hair. Feel the lightness and resilience of so much hair. A long neck, with more curly strays brushing the length, feeling the softness of her skin. Such beautiful shoulders, ready to see sun and light.
How comfortable to be in this body, at this time, so imperfectly perfect.
So beautifully chaotic.

Paradigm Shift

I was ridiculuous how many things, huge, monumental things, were going right for me lately.
Something had to go wrong, right?
I was waiting for the shoe to fall, for a gloomy mood to overtake me. But it didn't. I had stress, for sure. My happy mood stuck through all that. It was a bizarre but nice change.
How can it possible for one person to change so much? From 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 3 months ago. How could I be a different Sara from all those different Saras?
It didn't seem feasible, and for me to still be loving the things that I loved. I was stronger, braver, smarter, and calmer.
I was more convicted.
It was strange how self-actualized I felt.
I was changing all the time.
And I was ready to go to New York.

"And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain."

~ Missing by Everything But the Girl

Ketchup

At first my head felt really heavy. And full of buzzing bees. It spun, and wished to drop. Even my arms felt a little hard to lift.
I took a moment to calm and collect myself. I'm sure my tired state wasn't helping much.
There were residual feelings, but not enough to even strike a match. At least I very much hoped not.
It was good to catch up, but I was ever suspicious. Some comments seemed threatening and borderline tugging.
I was so happy where I was.
Everything in my life seemed to be coming full circle. I was ok with just Sara in the room. The research opportunity was falling into place. The family was falling into place. School was falling into place. Everything seemed to be working out. And I could say, "so what?" to any dismay.
I really should write more. But I'm too tired now.

"I wish you never looked at me that way. Eh, eh. Eh, eh. There's nothing else I can say."

~ Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) by Lady Gaga