Tears

I wanted to hit myself on the head.
I was doing it again.
I was crying and crying and I couldn't stop. I knew it wasn't his fault, and I wanted to say I knew it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't make him stay. And that made me feel terrible inside.
So the tears came out.
But he cuddled and he lay with me, and told me it wasn't my fault, not to be sad, and that I was good enough. All the things I wanted to hear.
In that moment, when I felt him there, not shrinking away from me, I felt my heart inch a little closer to him. Even though I was sad.
In that moment, I knew he was there for me.
I was still sad as he left, and I called my mother and told her to bring me home. After venting a little, I felt better. I told Chase to feel better, and I felt no resentment in telling him to get a good night's rest.
I know became very exhausted and realized I needed some rest too.
After a bad start of dreaming my dad was dead to trying to scramble in sorting rakes and finishing my physics homework, I was ready for a rest.
I was ready to settle into turkey weekend.

Dimmed Lights and Atmosphere

I was a little nervous going into it, but also excited. Which led to a strange anxious feeling as we finally decided to sit down.
I had no idea what to get.
So Patrick suggested the Amber Ale. It came and I was nervous, wondering at all those around the table, wondering if they would judge me for my lack of knowledge, and all too conscious that they would watch my face as I took my first sip.
It was light, and a tiny bit bitter. But it melted to a soft, warm aftertaste. After a few sips, I could feel a little warmth in my tender cheeks as the blood rushed to them.
The food was delicious, and the balsamic and mozzarella on bruschetta sent me to heaven. A few bites of nachos, and I felt a slight sting on my tongue that strangely complimented the warmth in my cheeks.
The talking was a harmonious chatter, filling the background in my head almost subconsciously. The lights were dim, which bugged me at first, but as the night progresses I didn't notice that either. I felt warm and relaxed, and I finally understood why people went out for a beer after work.
It was good to finally have a good beer, and drink just for that beer, and not choke it down like some indelible mixer that would have me dancing around the room. It was nice just to be relaxed, in a dim room with good food and wonderful people.
It was strange, but I had an epiphany in that moment.
Life was just to precious to worry. Life was just to short to fidget, and waste time wondering at what people though of you. I knew that I would be ok, and life would go on, no matter how stressed I was. I wanted to be alive, to be a girl. I wanted to flirt, I wanted to go to small quiet parties, drink a little and have fun. I wanted to meet new people, and succeed at what I did. I wanted to live.
I felt heady as I sat there, and as I left. It was soft kind of heady that made me feel just the slightest bit like a feather, floating on borrowed breezes.
I had a really nice time tonight and contemplated other quiet nights over drinks with close friends.
aaaahhhh. Sigh of relief.

Chin Up Tiger

All those things I had been feeling just caught up with me that much faster.
Every single insecurity, angry feeling, and sadness pinned me to the spot.
I hadn't been over him.
I hadn't been ready to move on, it was true. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that it wasn't the right time. But he seemed like the right guy...and so I gave it a chance, hoping my internal wounds would stop bleeding. And it was so nice at first.
Until I became the problem.
This was very frustrating. I didn't want to be the problem. I wanted him to be the problem. And in a way he was, but I wasn't strong enough to give up on it.
I remember what Sabrina had said.
"Just frame it differently. Don't think of it as giving up...Think of dating someone as giving up on Sara."
Maybe this was true. I needed to focus on me, I just didn't want to. I didn't want to feel the overwhelming sadness that I had felt before, so I had applied this simple band-aid. Band-aids don't aid oozing gashes. I needed stitches. And stitches, albeit quite a bit more painful, would heal me.
I needed to make my stitches.
This was frustrating. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to fix myself, didn't want to need fixing. But that's just what it was. I needed fixing. I needed repairing. I needed time, as much as I never wanted to admit it. Being ok just didn't seem like a possibility anymore, although being ok sounded like a prized and distant getaway vacation.
I had to deal with my sorrow, even if it didn't seem fair, even if it didn't seem fun.
I realized maybe I had just trying to fill a void in my life. A void where someone I loved had been was now empty. And I needed to find my own strength, and to continue on from there.
That support was what was missing. And although I've missed it, part of why I needed it I could try to fix.
I missed Max.
But I was also so incredibly angry still.
And I wanted to fix that. Not with him, but to get my emotions towards him to fade, to move on, to not need him, to not need anyone.
I wasn't ready, but sometimes it's not about being ready.
Sometimes it's about being strong.
Sometimes it's about changing because you must.

"We Belong Together"

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder.
This song was sticking in my head.
I don't know why it was distressing me so much.
He always wanted to leave. He could say no to me, and I couldn't say no to him. That was the most frustrating thing in the world. I didn't want to beg him to stay for 15 more minutes. In the end he did, but it felt a little hollow.
I was a passionate individual.
There was no halfway for me.
If I was going to do this, I wanted to do it. I didn't want to be held back by silly important intentions. I knew things were important, but why did he always have to cut our time so short? I wanted just one long afternoon that turned into night that turned into morning. That was a lot to ask, but it was what I was so used to.
I knew I couldn't have it. But that didn't stop me from wanting it.
For one day I just wanted him to give up on everything else and just be mine. Monday nights weren't right for that, but Saturday nights were. I just didn't want to want this so much more.
So I could feel myself getting frustrated.
But there was nothing I could do. No demands I could make.
Why did he even come over tonight if he was only going to stay for less than 2 hours?
I was perfectly fine keeping this night to myself until he made the suggestion.
I was used to negotiating minutes, even if my negotiating turned me up for broke. I was used to being in a situation with someone who had many minutes to accommodate my negotiating. This was good, giving me time to study. But that didn't change how I felt, like I simply hadn't satiated my desire.
Evil thoughts crossed my brain and I tried to block them out, imagining myself with a sword and a shield, battling them for the country.
Was I supposed to feel this deflated?

"We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder. We belong the sound of the words we've both fallen under. Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better, we belong, we belong, we belong together."
~ We Belong by Pat Benatar

Hour 9

It has been 9 hours since last contact.
And I think I am literally going to go insane.
This makes me sound terrible.
But there is seriously something to be said for accidentally not talking to someone for 24 hours and purposely not talking to them for 24 hours.
Purposely not talking to them is a million times harder.
But I made a resolution. I want to make space so I don't make him crazy. But it is so hard. I write it here, because although 6 million people have the capacity to see it, it is much less likely that they will. And on facebook it is more likely that my 600 some odd friends will see it.
My audience is much smaller here and I can't have 3 status updates in one day.
That's pathetic.
Ok, so maybe here on my blog isn't the best outlet.
Because now I just sound like a silly boy crazy girl.
But honestly, maybe I sounded like that before. I was just a little more eloquent...
Oh no.
I am a silly boy crazy girl.
And I want to talk to him.
When will this madness end????

Sapphire and Faded Jeans

I wanted to be me. And I wanted him to like it.
I wanted him to chase me.
ahahaha. strange play on words.
So, I decided that I was going to let go a little bit. I was done clutching birds and cupping water in my hands. At least I wanted to be done. Yes, I guess I should know that people needed space, unlike me.
But that was not entirely how I was, so I didn't understand it. I guess girls are all the same, eh?
So I would try my hardest to give up a little bit, let him come to me. You have no idea how hard this is going to be for me. But I need to have a little bit of faith in myself.
Is this a resolution?
Yes.
I am in no mood to be eloquent in this moment.

"Girl put your records on, tell me your favorite song. You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams. Just go ahead, let your hair down. You're going to find yourself somewhere, somehow."
~ Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae

These Days

The big wide world seemed so wide today.
So much so that my body shut off from it.
That's the way I dealt with overwhelming things. If I couldn't comprehend it's largeness, I ignored it.
Shutting down on the world: probably not a good sign.
I couldn't explain it. I wanted somebody to fish me out, but I couldn't even begin to understand how to fish myself out.
Why did I feel so numb?
This was dangerous. More dangerous than hurt and anger. It meant I was past the hurt and anger and didn't care.
I hoped tomorrow it would be gone again.

Cool Mornings In Dust

This morning I paused to give reflection to him.
I couldn't erase him from my mind.
A year. A year's worth of memories and moments, closeness and love. A year that I had very much lost.
I couldn't speak or look at him. And the reasons for this were clear. I had been in too deep. I was in no place to be kind to him, let alone pursue any kind of friendship with him. I saw clearly now what I had not seen before. Before when my vision was clouded with denial. I saw that I could not reasonably communicate with him in any manner.
And yet I missed him.
It was normal, to miss someone as important and close to you as that, someone you knew you would never get back, ever. But the pain was gone. The crushing pain that I would be alone, and that he would not, the pain that I had lost something so dear, that pain was gone. This feeling now was more like an inkling of what was.
I could not hope for January to come any sooner than I now did.
I had been in too deep, and there was no halfway for us.
What had been there for me was too strong a memory to disgrace, too strong a connection to re-make in the image of friendship.
I couldn't do it.
But these cool fall mornings were too familiar as I wondered at how things could be different. They couldn't, but my heart still beat softly as I looked on out the window, a breeze on my face as I watched the leaves.
My life had changed because it had to. That was not who I was anymore. To me, that was bizarre. How could I have such a dramatically different identity? How could I feel so changed, and how could it be so differently so quickly, with no progression?
I wanted to know that I was ok, and that my internal thermometer wasn't giving me a delusion of calm and collectedness.
I wanted to know that I could love again.

Shadow through the Window Sill

Time felt paused and tiring.
I couldn't speak a word to anyone.
I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe.
Life was motionless and painful. All concentration was lost.
I thought nothing and everything at the same time.
In this moment, I felt so immeasurably alone.
His words cut at me. He seemed judgmental. He seemed to disagree with everything I said lately. I voiced my problems, but he felt no concern for them. He had his own problems to deal with.
The image of that tiny mouse, the life leaving it's tiny body, very much like a light going out, flooded my head.
I had never seen death so clearly cut.
I had never seen the life leave something so distinctly.
One moment he was alive, and right before my eyes, the life force slipped out of the mouse, reaching some infinite destination that I couldn't see. Maybe like an after-life, or a void. But it was somewhere I couldn't comprehend right now.
My heart wanted somebody to trust, but I felt like no one understood. Yesterday I would have felt differently.
Today I felt this way.
I was closed off to the world.

Self Release

Today I decided to get rid of the remnants.
Today I decided to give away those clothes.
It didn't consist of much, but it was enough to pain me a little when I rifled through my drawer or shuffled through my closet. And I was done with that part of my life. I was letting myself get out. I was letting myself be happy. I was letting myself forget.
It was a perfect Sunday, full of soft weather and lazy kisses. I could have stayed here forever. The intrusion was not a happy conclusion. So I didn't let it be. I sat in a swing, happy and content. I turned on the music, letting the soft and steady beat take me away, into a cheery morning. Waking up here with him, was a moment I was blessed to have.
These were the mornings of fall that I remembered and loved, and so dearly missed. I thought I might never see one so happy again, with yellow leaves on the ground and life ready to continue.
The piano in my head played on.
I was finding me, and I was happy to do it. It was hard, and I couldn't admit to even being close to reaching achievement in that area. But that wasn't to say there was no accomplishment. I was making it out ok.
I was making it out, piecing together my whole.