Chin Up Tiger

All those things I had been feeling just caught up with me that much faster.
Every single insecurity, angry feeling, and sadness pinned me to the spot.
I hadn't been over him.
I hadn't been ready to move on, it was true. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that it wasn't the right time. But he seemed like the right guy...and so I gave it a chance, hoping my internal wounds would stop bleeding. And it was so nice at first.
Until I became the problem.
This was very frustrating. I didn't want to be the problem. I wanted him to be the problem. And in a way he was, but I wasn't strong enough to give up on it.
I remember what Sabrina had said.
"Just frame it differently. Don't think of it as giving up...Think of dating someone as giving up on Sara."
Maybe this was true. I needed to focus on me, I just didn't want to. I didn't want to feel the overwhelming sadness that I had felt before, so I had applied this simple band-aid. Band-aids don't aid oozing gashes. I needed stitches. And stitches, albeit quite a bit more painful, would heal me.
I needed to make my stitches.
This was frustrating. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to fix myself, didn't want to need fixing. But that's just what it was. I needed fixing. I needed repairing. I needed time, as much as I never wanted to admit it. Being ok just didn't seem like a possibility anymore, although being ok sounded like a prized and distant getaway vacation.
I had to deal with my sorrow, even if it didn't seem fair, even if it didn't seem fun.
I realized maybe I had just trying to fill a void in my life. A void where someone I loved had been was now empty. And I needed to find my own strength, and to continue on from there.
That support was what was missing. And although I've missed it, part of why I needed it I could try to fix.
I missed Max.
But I was also so incredibly angry still.
And I wanted to fix that. Not with him, but to get my emotions towards him to fade, to move on, to not need him, to not need anyone.
I wasn't ready, but sometimes it's not about being ready.
Sometimes it's about being strong.
Sometimes it's about changing because you must.