Looking Like A Sucker Fish

I wanted to hold on to this moment desperately.
And it stayed so far.
I didn't want to show him any weakness, but I knew I would I knew I needed to get over that fear because it had only made things worse lately. I was upset on for more occasions than I actually needed to be.
Falling asleep and waking up with him was honestly the best moments. Although they were fleeting, and now few and far between, I felt the comfort in us just being ourselves together. I hated being crazy. But when he dealt with it, it made it all the better. I made a note in my head that if he had to deal with it to much, he might leave me. So I would save it for the worst breakdowns. We fit together and it felt so nice. To fit with someone.
I thought of the small happy moments. I thought of how outwardly we made a nice picture. Not that something like that was the only that mattered, but it was nice to know that how we felt about each other reflected so nicely in reality.
I remember the lady at that restaurant telling us how cute we were, and how that shot a happy shoot right up through the middle of my rib cage., and exploded in my throat. It was obvious how happy he made me. I was hoping I could shed my insecurities so they wouldn't affect him anymore.
I thought of all the things he does for me, all the times he helped me when I asked, paid for my meal, did something because he knew I liked it, walked me to class even though he was tired, and tried to please me. I wanted him to see I appreciated those things. I wanted to please him.
In my mental checklist, I resolved to work on my insecurity issues. So we could be us still. So we could be we and be happy.

"Here I am, looking like a sucker fish against the glass."
~ Fist by Fictionist

Plastic Provo

I could practically see the gleam of fakeness resonating from them.
I was at his concert and I had this extremely uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I watched all the people around me. It seemed so ridiculous. They all seemed to be determined to stand out in the most conformist way possible. It was like they were trying to be rebellious in a way that wasn't really that rebellious. And there was traditional style going on, t-shirts and undershirts peeking, long shorts and flats. Nothing was wrong with this look besides that it was way over-used. It was a walking cliche. Three girls in particular drove me insane. They were all glitzed up, almost in a rocker looking style, but it was all in order, every hair in place. I regretted feeling judgment for them, but they seemed surreal, and it made me uncomfortable. I am not sure what it was about them, whether it be the way they carried themselves or the socializing they conducted. But it gave me the shivers, and the acid in my stomach threatened to burn my throat.
One girl made me smile.
She was wearing these ridiculous parachute pants with lots of chains, and had dark scraggly hair. All her clothes were black. But watching her, I truly fell in love with her personality. Every once in a while, a real, genuine smile would light up her face, showing the gap in her teeth. She was so imperfect, she was perfect to me. I can't tell you what it was about her, but I knew she was misunderstood, and didn't feel seen for who she was, but was happy all the same, and a very sweet girl.
I left content never to experience high school again, glad of where I was and who my friends were, and how genuine and intellectual they were. Or how caring.
People who strove to better themselves, and possibly, the world.

Terror

I was so afraid of the judgment of others I kept this to myself.
Which wasn't exactly the best idea.
I guess I shared it here, but I knew no one read it, so I was free to say it. I let out my frustrations and sadness, but I had no one to talk to about it, no one I felt that would care.
I was so afraid that by admitting the small faults in our relationship to others, I would receive harsh judgment. I was afraid they would tell me to break up with him, and that it served me right for getting back together with him. I didn't want that kind of attention. I wanted them to listen free of judgment. But they already judged him for hurting me before. So I kept it to myself, worried. I knew relationships were hard, and had no perfect happiness. Which is why I stuck with him. Because he did make me happy. I wish people could understand that. That I needed to talk to people about the things that made me upset, and that I was ok.
I was so afraid.

Don't Talk to Me

It was a good day.
The events of the previous day seemed so silly. At least the sad parts. I couldn't believe it. I felt happy. I wanted to hold on to this for as long as I could.
As luck would have it, this feeling didn't last.
I don't know what it is. I don't know why I feel sad. Maybe it is because I am away from him and time feels short. I try to blame the problems of my hormones on other things (which at this point, seem highly probable) but that doesn't stop how I feel. So I buckle down on the roller coaster and wonder why I let my hormones speak to me.

Sweet Drops of Summer

Today I made the conscious decision to be happier.
And guess what?
I was.
The day was perfect. He came home early from work (although I felt bad about that), we ran errands, made dinner, watched a movie...cuddled. The whole time was perfect. It was in the last moment that I fell.
I was thinking to myself everything was going to be okay again, just like I always thought. And just like always happened, I came down.
And then, he woke me as he got up. I waited 15 silent minutes to come back. He had seemed like he would. He had seemed like he was just getting water. But he didn't come back and the last happy drops of the moment were squandered.
I didn't want to be upset. I didn't.
But he didn't come back.

How Am I Supposed to Pretend I Never Want to See You Again?

It absolutely broke my heart.
I felt like we were over.
Again.
I didn't trust him, so he didn't feel close to me. And because he didn't feel close to me, I lost hope. I didn't trust him more. And so the circle continued. I felt like I had permanently broken it. Like I wasn't good enough to keep it going. I wish I could just trust him and he could just love me. I felt like that was never going to happen. One was not going to happen before the other, at least that's how I felt.
So we were stuck in this weird sort of impasse.
He was never going to love me again.
And that absolutely broke my heart.

"How am I supposed to pretend I never want to see you again?"
~ From Campus by Vampire Weekend

Moments

There were days I was perfectly happy and perfectly fine.
And I would think to myself, wow, I can be happy, I can do this. But then something would bring down my cloud.
And I wouldn't be fine.
I would be paranoid or angry or sad. Usually just sad. Because for some strange reason, I felt like I was losing. Like there was some huge part of him I knew nothing about. I tried to realize it, but it was this life I couldn't participate in. It was this life of drinking, being a music snob, traveling on a whim, moving away, that I couldn't be a part of. That was all separate from me. And that kind of hurt.
I wanted all of him and I couldn't even grasp it.
I felt my grip slipping on what little I had a hold of.
He was growing away from me.
I didn't hate it. It just felt like an end.
An end I couldn't make longer, an end I couldn't draw out, or even fix.
I wanted him to tell me I was the sun in his sky.
But that would never happen.
I would never be the only girl he looked at, laughed with, or lived for.
I may be at the top, but how sturdy was the top anyway?
It had come crumbling down before, I had become next to nothing.
I didn't want that.