Moments

There were days I was perfectly happy and perfectly fine.
And I would think to myself, wow, I can be happy, I can do this. But then something would bring down my cloud.
And I wouldn't be fine.
I would be paranoid or angry or sad. Usually just sad. Because for some strange reason, I felt like I was losing. Like there was some huge part of him I knew nothing about. I tried to realize it, but it was this life I couldn't participate in. It was this life of drinking, being a music snob, traveling on a whim, moving away, that I couldn't be a part of. That was all separate from me. And that kind of hurt.
I wanted all of him and I couldn't even grasp it.
I felt my grip slipping on what little I had a hold of.
He was growing away from me.
I didn't hate it. It just felt like an end.
An end I couldn't make longer, an end I couldn't draw out, or even fix.
I wanted him to tell me I was the sun in his sky.
But that would never happen.
I would never be the only girl he looked at, laughed with, or lived for.
I may be at the top, but how sturdy was the top anyway?
It had come crumbling down before, I had become next to nothing.
I didn't want that.