Aluminum

Please stop looking at me like that.
A fondness in his eyes, a profound luckiness I could not reflect. It was harsh of me, but it looked like weakness. I wasn't exactly sure what about that look really bugged me, but it did. Welcome me back to the world of douches, I guess.
It was almost as if I wanted to shout, "Stop! What you are feeling is fake!" But I didn't. I kept silently to myself, feeling an ice frost my outsides, a mechanical being trying to convey emotion. They were moves I knew oh too well, and while I hadn't intended to use them, they spilled out anyway.
I couldn't feel an intention behind his touch, although I knew he was fumbling, grasping at something in the dark he might not be able to fully understand.
To love someone.
Giving this up to him felt like a stripping of my individuality. This was the first time I felt that way. Maybe it was because I had finally found individuality. And I was very wary that it be swept away at the first sign of romance.
I grasped it, close to my heart, waiting. I was more selfish with my emotion in this arena than I had ever been. I silently wondered if this was because I wasn't meeting the right men, or I just wasn't healed. Only time could tell that. I had thought I knew myself better than this.
I wanted to hold on to my kite, shuttering in the wind. The sunshine was warm on my arms and legs, and I wanted it all for myself. Feeling so drastically different than before, slipping along in freedom. I could feel myself, want myself above all else.
I knew I would have to tell him eventually, but how what would I tell him. I couldn't form it into words for myself, I could just feel it. Feel the breeze, scented with the crispness of autumn in my rebirth. A secret power I had never known, never been able to excercise, and defintely not ready to give up.
Would I skulk away? In away that suggested I was really regressing when I wasn't?
Another matter-more and more these days I felt I seemed like an over-confident asshole. I wish I could explain to people how much I needed to tell myself I was great. Because in all honesty, it was keeping me afloat. How would they feel if they had heard the story of college years gone by? A confused, troubled young woman who hated herself and didn't let her individuality shine?
I began to realize what was more important.
A subtle curl, strands escaping and dangling. Wide green eyes, a tall and powerful figure.
Someone to be proud of.

Whispers

"I don't want to hurt you."
So why don't you just stop hurting me then?
I could see, in my mind's eye, him sweeping into me, our lips meeting. I could feel, in my mind's heart, him stroking my cheek, looking at me with eyes that seemed not to lie. Pulling me in, wanting me.
And then the moment passed.
Coldness filled the area between us, I looked at myself with disdain. My internal mirror wasn't doing me much good. Silently, I hoped and wanted for connection that never came. Whispers of words that would never return. Between us, silence, like frostbite.
Lean into me, kiss me like you meant it.
Never think twice about taking me into your arms, into your lips.
The one impulsive move you ever made was this.
And it's gone, but here it remains, ingrained in my memory.
A silent promise of something that will never return.