My mood went up and down.
I was okay and then I wasn't. I was happy then I wasn't. I felt something then I didn't. I was sure and then I wasn't. I was up and then I was down. He was warm and then he wasn't. I knew he was right and then he wasn't.
It was almost rollercoaster-like. But it was more like the baby version that kind of made you feel cramped and slightly sick. Amusement parks always induced sickness in me anyway.
I knew he shouldn't want me as much as he had before, because that closed him off from everybody. I couldn't demand all his attention. That didn't mean I didn't want to.
And I still felt a little alone.
Now that I was okay, people were no longer concerned. Well, I knew that was mostly not true. But I still felt that urge to withdraw and close myself off. I still felt the urge spend every moment with him.
How could that be?
Things would be rough for a while. I still felt insanely too busy for this. I felt like my life was overruled by busyness. And that honestly worried me. He was busy too.
The days, they seemed to drag into forever.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Tried So Hard
I tried so hard not to be angry.
I tried so hard not to be hurt.
I tried so hard to feel good again.
I could feel myself withdrawing from everything and everyone, letting my emotions fester and fume. It was tearing me apart. I'd fallen into this sort of behavior before, and it wasn't so great. The one where I stopped letting people know how I felt until it was absolutely at critical mass. But I felt like everyone was so tired and so sick of it. I felt like I was doing a million different things wrong and couldn't make anyone happy. And that's when I stopped trusting them with my feelings. I only hurt people when I made the decisions. When I voiced how I felt. I hadn't felt this guilty about it in a long time.
And I wasn't happy and I didn't know how to fix it.
I felt so alone.
Opening up drove him away from me.
And now I felt like I was in front of this large decision...and I had this odd sensation. Like the one you face before getting a shot or taking a test. Maybe it was just how I reacted, but I get extremely anxious. You remember it more painful then you could have ever imagined. That is how it felt to me, and somehow that didn't feel right. But the alternative didn't feel right either. So I was in the middle. Alone.
I tried so hard not to be hurt.
I tried so hard to feel good again.
I could feel myself withdrawing from everything and everyone, letting my emotions fester and fume. It was tearing me apart. I'd fallen into this sort of behavior before, and it wasn't so great. The one where I stopped letting people know how I felt until it was absolutely at critical mass. But I felt like everyone was so tired and so sick of it. I felt like I was doing a million different things wrong and couldn't make anyone happy. And that's when I stopped trusting them with my feelings. I only hurt people when I made the decisions. When I voiced how I felt. I hadn't felt this guilty about it in a long time.
And I wasn't happy and I didn't know how to fix it.
I felt so alone.
Opening up drove him away from me.
And now I felt like I was in front of this large decision...and I had this odd sensation. Like the one you face before getting a shot or taking a test. Maybe it was just how I reacted, but I get extremely anxious. You remember it more painful then you could have ever imagined. That is how it felt to me, and somehow that didn't feel right. But the alternative didn't feel right either. So I was in the middle. Alone.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Right
How?
What?
I didn't know...I wasn't sure. Had I agreed?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
I pulled him over. His body felt comfortable, it kind of seems silly to say, but it really did fit like a glove. The kisses were soft and sweet and fit me perfectly, didn't feel harsh or gross. Could it really be wrong? Somehow kissing him didn't seem like enough of a guarantee. So when he left, I realized I had no idea what just happened.
The shock. The shock on her face when she walked in.
I felt like I'd been caught doing something wrong, or as if she was angry.
I felt...like he hadn't quite won me over. I was waiting for that moment, to know when it was right.
What?
I didn't know...I wasn't sure. Had I agreed?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
I pulled him over. His body felt comfortable, it kind of seems silly to say, but it really did fit like a glove. The kisses were soft and sweet and fit me perfectly, didn't feel harsh or gross. Could it really be wrong? Somehow kissing him didn't seem like enough of a guarantee. So when he left, I realized I had no idea what just happened.
The shock. The shock on her face when she walked in.
I felt like I'd been caught doing something wrong, or as if she was angry.
I felt...like he hadn't quite won me over. I was waiting for that moment, to know when it was right.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Learning Curve
So I suck at letting go.
But I'm trying, ok?
Decisions seem so foggy. I'm not sure which way is up now. He tells me, oh how he tells me. But I have such a hard time trusting it. Maybe it's because time has finally hardened me. Or maybe it's because I can't. He hurt me so deeply and thoroughly. Something inside me is withdrawing, to protect my quivering heart. And how it quivered. It was scared. It was frightened.
Would being with him really be the wrong choice?
At this point, I had no idea. I thought of all the reasons there was tension. He hadn't promised to be committed to me, he hadn't said he wouldn't change his mind again. The way he phrased things bothered me. He had "come to his senses." He said he had been wrong. Why did that bug me so much? I wasn't sure. I felt it was almost impossible to go back to the way we were. If not completely impossible. Could I grow to trust him again? And what about him graduating? And could he reassure me in the way I needed to be reassured? He held no promise for change. At least if he did, he didn't vocalize it. And I don't know if I could do that.
This is the point at which he felt he was just coming back to me for easy comfort. I mean, I knew it couldn't be that simple or seem that way to him, because human beings are complicated things. But I wasn't sure if he had strong feelings for me anymore like he thought he did. And if he did have feelings, were they feelings? Or were they feelings?
I guess I would just have to see what decision I made, although I was dreading it, because a lot depended on him. Could I let it go if I needed to?
Time would tell, and I would learn.
But I'm trying, ok?
Decisions seem so foggy. I'm not sure which way is up now. He tells me, oh how he tells me. But I have such a hard time trusting it. Maybe it's because time has finally hardened me. Or maybe it's because I can't. He hurt me so deeply and thoroughly. Something inside me is withdrawing, to protect my quivering heart. And how it quivered. It was scared. It was frightened.
Would being with him really be the wrong choice?
At this point, I had no idea. I thought of all the reasons there was tension. He hadn't promised to be committed to me, he hadn't said he wouldn't change his mind again. The way he phrased things bothered me. He had "come to his senses." He said he had been wrong. Why did that bug me so much? I wasn't sure. I felt it was almost impossible to go back to the way we were. If not completely impossible. Could I grow to trust him again? And what about him graduating? And could he reassure me in the way I needed to be reassured? He held no promise for change. At least if he did, he didn't vocalize it. And I don't know if I could do that.
This is the point at which he felt he was just coming back to me for easy comfort. I mean, I knew it couldn't be that simple or seem that way to him, because human beings are complicated things. But I wasn't sure if he had strong feelings for me anymore like he thought he did. And if he did have feelings, were they feelings? Or were they feelings?
I guess I would just have to see what decision I made, although I was dreading it, because a lot depended on him. Could I let it go if I needed to?
Time would tell, and I would learn.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
You Let It Go
I resisted every part of my body that was desperate to reach out to him...every part that told me to pull him in, and grasp him tight.
He was sad.
Sad was something I couldn't handle. Something I couldn't turn away from. But then was I his crutch? Was I allowing him to fall into the same behavior? To keep the bad habit going. I was just...another bad habit for him. I was just what was comfy and safe...but he had made his decision regarding me.
I felt like I'd been speared. My limbs flopped asunder. His sadness pierced me. But I couldn't turn back. After his roommate chewed me out, no way. I had to wait. Wait until he was strong enough to come to me, maybe longer. I didn't want to. I wanted to leap into his arms right now, give him the comfort he wanted and needed. But that was in no way a good idea.
With each day I felt my strength declining...what I once thought was a good idea was no longer a good idea. What I thought was a bad idea was suddenly becoming more ok. I tried to fight it...
One thought pestered me and ate away at my misgivings.
"If you love something, you let it go."
Is that what I had to do to make it alright?
Let it go.
I desperately clung to it. But so far I hadn't spoken a word to him in...twenty four hours? New record for me. Very new. So I tried to send a message in a bottle, via facebook. Send it out there, see what happens. And what I got was he was sad.
I could see myself failing. I could see it.
And my strength wavered.
If you love something, you let it go...
He was sad.
Sad was something I couldn't handle. Something I couldn't turn away from. But then was I his crutch? Was I allowing him to fall into the same behavior? To keep the bad habit going. I was just...another bad habit for him. I was just what was comfy and safe...but he had made his decision regarding me.
I felt like I'd been speared. My limbs flopped asunder. His sadness pierced me. But I couldn't turn back. After his roommate chewed me out, no way. I had to wait. Wait until he was strong enough to come to me, maybe longer. I didn't want to. I wanted to leap into his arms right now, give him the comfort he wanted and needed. But that was in no way a good idea.
With each day I felt my strength declining...what I once thought was a good idea was no longer a good idea. What I thought was a bad idea was suddenly becoming more ok. I tried to fight it...
One thought pestered me and ate away at my misgivings.
"If you love something, you let it go."
Is that what I had to do to make it alright?
Let it go.
I desperately clung to it. But so far I hadn't spoken a word to him in...twenty four hours? New record for me. Very new. So I tried to send a message in a bottle, via facebook. Send it out there, see what happens. And what I got was he was sad.
I could see myself failing. I could see it.
And my strength wavered.
If you love something, you let it go...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Anyone Else But You
Moldy Peaches
You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you
You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you
Stolen
Things I have done... Just copy and paste this to your blog and bold the ones that you HAVE done and make sure to put your score at the end. It got me to thinking about what I would like to do in life.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Gone without food or water for 24 hours or longer
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Stayed up for 24 hours with NO sleep at all
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Changed a lightbulb
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Mowed the lawn
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Gone without food or water for 24 hours or longer
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Stayed up for 24 hours with NO sleep at all
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Changed a lightbulb
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Mowed the lawn
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
Falling Slowly
Falling Slowly
Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along
Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along
My roommate introduced me to this song our freshman year. I bought it off itunes instantly and haven't stopped listening to it since. It's my top played song on my Itunes, and I love it. It won an academy award that year, as it is from the movie Once.
I feel so...displaced. My heart feels heavy, and I do everything I can to try and lighten it's load. It seems that the things I do can sometime make it heavier, however. I feel like I'm swimming through some kind of muck, without actually knowing where I'm going, but knowing I have to get somewhere eventually. So I paddle through all the details slowly and meticulously in the muck. I just try to relax and let it slide past me, but sometimes I get stressed. The muck seems endless, and the swimming pointless. I have this feeling of urgency to get where I'm going as quick as I can, because I feel like I'm running out of time. Why I am running out of time, I have no idea. It just seems to be ticking away. At the same time, I want time to move faster, to get to the part where I feel alright again already. To get to my ending destination where I could live and be happy. And I do things that I know won't make me feel better, but I still do them. And a tiny spark is emitted that glows in my eyes faintly, staining my retinas, remaining intact and providing as a reminder. A reminder of what almost was. Torturing me to the end.
I provide myself small moments of happiness in all the muck. Maybe I find a small island to crouch on, and if I'm lucky, a little pond to wash away the grime that seems to cling to me happily. But it doesn't matter if I clean it off here, for I must climb into the muck again, against my will, to fight my pain of urgency, to find my destination. And I have no idea where it will end.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Drowning in My Own Pool
It seems so stupid that someone who was on a high school swim team and certified as a lifeguard could be drowning.
But I was.
My heart was swelling and shrinking, fusing and ripping. It was in a constant state of flux. I would give up, and let go. Then it would come back and hit me in the face at full force. I would be happy, then I would be sad. I would be fixing it, and then it would break.
I was so overwhelmed.
The emotions made me so crazy.
But I was.
My heart was swelling and shrinking, fusing and ripping. It was in a constant state of flux. I would give up, and let go. Then it would come back and hit me in the face at full force. I would be happy, then I would be sad. I would be fixing it, and then it would break.
I was so overwhelmed.
The emotions made me so crazy.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Happy Heart
"a wealth of flowers
a hint of warmth
a deepening of emotions
wear it and have
a happy heart."
wow.
Clinique really knows how to say it.
It seems so silly that something written on a box could strike a chord so deep within me. And so silly that I was a girl who could wear perfume. But I was. And I was smelling myself, sticking my nose down my shirt, breathing it in. It made me...so happy. The smell was so fresh and clear...and me.
I looked at the bottle, and never have been in love with a simple scent so much, especially not perfume. It was clear, with a red metallic lid, in a cylindrical shape, but more like an oval...instead of a circle cylinder?
This is trivial.
But so...wow.
I needed change, and I got it. I started to wear make up. I wanted to wear different clothes than what I usually felt comfortable in. I felt...almost...ostentatious.
The small scent left me mesmerized, and I was in love from the beginning. And more than anything in the world, I wanted the promise on the box to be true.
"wear it and have a happy heart."
I wanted a happy heart. I wanted...to not feel this deafening loneliness anymore. It surrounded me and strangled me with a grip soft and smothering. But I knew it wasn't going to go away soon. And that tortured me. Made me miserable, smote all flame of hope.
I was going to go back to what I knew best. The water. I was going to swim away all pain and sadness.
I was going to be healthy. It was required now. If I was going to start burning calories, I had to replace them. Or else risk the unhealthyness. And that was not an option.
I was going to work out me.
a hint of warmth
a deepening of emotions
wear it and have
a happy heart."
wow.
Clinique really knows how to say it.
It seems so silly that something written on a box could strike a chord so deep within me. And so silly that I was a girl who could wear perfume. But I was. And I was smelling myself, sticking my nose down my shirt, breathing it in. It made me...so happy. The smell was so fresh and clear...and me.
I looked at the bottle, and never have been in love with a simple scent so much, especially not perfume. It was clear, with a red metallic lid, in a cylindrical shape, but more like an oval...instead of a circle cylinder?
This is trivial.
But so...wow.
I needed change, and I got it. I started to wear make up. I wanted to wear different clothes than what I usually felt comfortable in. I felt...almost...ostentatious.
The small scent left me mesmerized, and I was in love from the beginning. And more than anything in the world, I wanted the promise on the box to be true.
"wear it and have a happy heart."
I wanted a happy heart. I wanted...to not feel this deafening loneliness anymore. It surrounded me and strangled me with a grip soft and smothering. But I knew it wasn't going to go away soon. And that tortured me. Made me miserable, smote all flame of hope.
I was going to go back to what I knew best. The water. I was going to swim away all pain and sadness.
I was going to be healthy. It was required now. If I was going to start burning calories, I had to replace them. Or else risk the unhealthyness. And that was not an option.
I was going to work out me.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Waves of Sorrow, Pools of Joy
I needed to get a grip.
But I felt so ridiculously...like a vegetable.
It was easy to just forget. But the anxiety always came back. I was in charge of so much, but I just didn't feel like dealing with it right now. I know in the future I would be sorry I didn't, but right now...I just couldn't care less.
So I vegetated.
I was still so sad. So sad I could...drown myself in it. Which was frequently what I did. Or I tried to ignore it, which wasn't much better.
I just realized, I wasn't invited to some things, particularly birthday parties, that I wish I had been. Maybe it was just two, but it still kind of hurt.
And I was being ridiculous. All the time.
The fact that someone could so entirely cut me out of their life and not care...was so...sad. Especially someone who was at one time so important to me. Once they left, I had space. I could hear the water sloshing. And I felt so...alone. I was surrounded by people. Why couldn't I be happy?
I was free to be an individual. And I took advantage of that. But I was also free to care about no one but myself. Which I tended to hate. A lot.
I frequently felt like a bird losing feathers. Just molting, losing my happiness. I didn't know what to hold on to anymore. I got in this dark mood that was just...overwhelming. I don't know how to explain why or from whence it came, but it did. I felt dark and sad and closed in. I felt as if the world was now a dark place. Which made no sense. Because it had been such a happy place for most of my life.
I was in a hole and I didn't know how to pull myself out of it.
I felt the waves of it wash over me, making me sad, drowning me. Every once in a while, I would find a shallow, and I would be ok for a little while. I would be happy. Until I was alone to myself, to my thoughts.
But I felt so ridiculously...like a vegetable.
It was easy to just forget. But the anxiety always came back. I was in charge of so much, but I just didn't feel like dealing with it right now. I know in the future I would be sorry I didn't, but right now...I just couldn't care less.
So I vegetated.
I was still so sad. So sad I could...drown myself in it. Which was frequently what I did. Or I tried to ignore it, which wasn't much better.
I just realized, I wasn't invited to some things, particularly birthday parties, that I wish I had been. Maybe it was just two, but it still kind of hurt.
And I was being ridiculous. All the time.
The fact that someone could so entirely cut me out of their life and not care...was so...sad. Especially someone who was at one time so important to me. Once they left, I had space. I could hear the water sloshing. And I felt so...alone. I was surrounded by people. Why couldn't I be happy?
I was free to be an individual. And I took advantage of that. But I was also free to care about no one but myself. Which I tended to hate. A lot.
I frequently felt like a bird losing feathers. Just molting, losing my happiness. I didn't know what to hold on to anymore. I got in this dark mood that was just...overwhelming. I don't know how to explain why or from whence it came, but it did. I felt dark and sad and closed in. I felt as if the world was now a dark place. Which made no sense. Because it had been such a happy place for most of my life.
I was in a hole and I didn't know how to pull myself out of it.
I felt the waves of it wash over me, making me sad, drowning me. Every once in a while, I would find a shallow, and I would be ok for a little while. I would be happy. Until I was alone to myself, to my thoughts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
