Waves of Sorrow, Pools of Joy

I needed to get a grip.
But I felt so ridiculously...like a vegetable.
It was easy to just forget. But the anxiety always came back. I was in charge of so much, but I just didn't feel like dealing with it right now. I know in the future I would be sorry I didn't, but right now...I just couldn't care less.
So I vegetated.
I was still so sad. So sad I could...drown myself in it. Which was frequently what I did. Or I tried to ignore it, which wasn't much better.
I just realized, I wasn't invited to some things, particularly birthday parties, that I wish I had been. Maybe it was just two, but it still kind of hurt.
And I was being ridiculous. All the time.
The fact that someone could so entirely cut me out of their life and not care...was so...sad. Especially someone who was at one time so important to me. Once they left, I had space. I could hear the water sloshing. And I felt so...alone. I was surrounded by people. Why couldn't I be happy?
I was free to be an individual. And I took advantage of that. But I was also free to care about no one but myself. Which I tended to hate. A lot.
I frequently felt like a bird losing feathers. Just molting, losing my happiness. I didn't know what to hold on to anymore. I got in this dark mood that was just...overwhelming. I don't know how to explain why or from whence it came, but it did. I felt dark and sad and closed in. I felt as if the world was now a dark place. Which made no sense. Because it had been such a happy place for most of my life.
I was in a hole and I didn't know how to pull myself out of it.
I felt the waves of it wash over me, making me sad, drowning me. Every once in a while, I would find a shallow, and I would be ok for a little while. I would be happy. Until I was alone to myself, to my thoughts.