Aluminum

Please stop looking at me like that.
A fondness in his eyes, a profound luckiness I could not reflect. It was harsh of me, but it looked like weakness. I wasn't exactly sure what about that look really bugged me, but it did. Welcome me back to the world of douches, I guess.
It was almost as if I wanted to shout, "Stop! What you are feeling is fake!" But I didn't. I kept silently to myself, feeling an ice frost my outsides, a mechanical being trying to convey emotion. They were moves I knew oh too well, and while I hadn't intended to use them, they spilled out anyway.
I couldn't feel an intention behind his touch, although I knew he was fumbling, grasping at something in the dark he might not be able to fully understand.
To love someone.
Giving this up to him felt like a stripping of my individuality. This was the first time I felt that way. Maybe it was because I had finally found individuality. And I was very wary that it be swept away at the first sign of romance.
I grasped it, close to my heart, waiting. I was more selfish with my emotion in this arena than I had ever been. I silently wondered if this was because I wasn't meeting the right men, or I just wasn't healed. Only time could tell that. I had thought I knew myself better than this.
I wanted to hold on to my kite, shuttering in the wind. The sunshine was warm on my arms and legs, and I wanted it all for myself. Feeling so drastically different than before, slipping along in freedom. I could feel myself, want myself above all else.
I knew I would have to tell him eventually, but how what would I tell him. I couldn't form it into words for myself, I could just feel it. Feel the breeze, scented with the crispness of autumn in my rebirth. A secret power I had never known, never been able to excercise, and defintely not ready to give up.
Would I skulk away? In away that suggested I was really regressing when I wasn't?
Another matter-more and more these days I felt I seemed like an over-confident asshole. I wish I could explain to people how much I needed to tell myself I was great. Because in all honesty, it was keeping me afloat. How would they feel if they had heard the story of college years gone by? A confused, troubled young woman who hated herself and didn't let her individuality shine?
I began to realize what was more important.
A subtle curl, strands escaping and dangling. Wide green eyes, a tall and powerful figure.
Someone to be proud of.