Ruby

I had no space.
It was making me feel vulnerable and shut down. My bed was infested. That was the scariest and most disturbing part of all this. The place I was most vulnerable was my bed, as I slept. All I wanted was to be safe and alone. But my personal space was violated--by these bugs. These bugs that bit me, stole my blood, stole my safe place.
And my roommate wouldn't go with me to a clean bed, a clean place to stay. More than anything I wanted to not be alone, but to be alone, if that made sense. I wanted safety and comfort. But I could have neither.
It was amazing how stripped and vulnerable I could feel when denied a bed, denied my space, and denied privacy. I hated it. It made me want to cry.
My emotion was paralyzed.
And on top of all that, I was here. In the very same lab I had spent nights ferreting away the hours, waiting for his departure. The smell hit me with a weird sweetness, that reminded me so much of him. Nights I had spent here until 1 in the morning waiting. Waiting for a safe place. Here I was exposed and inundated. Inundated by smell and emotion and memory. It smelled sweet and at the same time smelled of fresh supplies. Computer paper and laser ink. Computer air. That led to different memories, different times, a different person, with different safe spaces. It reminded me of Chewy, cameras, double monitors, musty couches, plaid bedsheets, Park City, Ruby, fettuccine noodles with tomato sauce, weird toothy faces, intense concentration, square glasses, nordic hats, and late winter nights, here.
It reminded me of him and accentuated my loneliness.
I wanted to curl up in bed next to a beating, understanding heart. That would keep me safe. Or at least give me that illusion. Alone in Chapel Glen I would not feel safe. With no roommate and no guest I would feel alienated and alone. I would have no safe space.
All this really did make me want to cry.
No safe space.

"Let it never be said that romance is dead 'cause there's so little else occupying my head. There is nothing I need 'cept the function to breath...Due to lack of interest, tomorrow is canceled. Let the clocks be reset and the pendulums held. 'Cause there's nothing at all 'cept the space imbetween, finding out what you're called and repeating your name."

~ Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs