January is Over

So all in all January was a hell month. Again.
I didn't really realize how much more I was blogging. If you have been paying careful attention (or just checking my monthly blog count by the side) you will have noticed I set a record. This will be my 24th post this month. I think that my previous record was maybe 15. Maybe.
I don't regret either of the relationships I have had in the past year. I treasure them both for different reasons, even though both of them ended badly. (One worse than the other, but who's keeping score?) I felt something special for both people, and both of them were different, contrary to popular belief. They both meant something to me. They both taught me important things about myself, sometimes more than once.
Did I love Max? If you've been paying attention, you know the answer is yes. Did I love Chase? The answer to this one is a little harder to decipher, but again, if you have been paying attention, you know the answer is no. Does that mean I could never have loved Chase? Absolutely not. We just didn't have enough time to fall in love. Does that mean I would have? Not necessarily. Although I was quite sure it was possible.
Each represented me in two different styles of growing affection. Although I developed an emotional attachment to both of them very quickly, the level of attraction came at me very differently. Max was a quick scalding burn. And like every burn, it lasted for many hours, days, weeks, and months afterward, burning me to the core, never quite going away. Chase was the crockpot of attraction. I slowly simmered, not realizing the impending heat. My feelings developed slowly, but were still there, heating me to the core.
This reminds me of a silly science fact/story.
I have heard that if you place a frog in scalding hot water, it will jump out and be fine. It recognizes the danger and jumps out. On the flip side, if you put a frog in cold water and heat that water slowly, the frog won't realize what is going on and will die because he won't jump out.
I could draw a bunch of parallels between this connection and my love life, but I don't think I will right now. I will let it marinate in my head for a while. I'm not entirely sure it's related.
I realized that I had wanted to keep my anger and sadness a little. I didn't want to give Chase the satisfaction of knowing I was alright and thinking I wasn't hurt by him anymore. I didn't want to give him the license to see someone else. I wanted him to feel guilty. I will never know if I achieved that, and I am doubtful as to whether I did or not. It's a toss up really. He would probably be extremely offended at me saying that. Oh well.
Another thing I didn't get. I will bring this up for the last time. How could he think it was ok to cuddle with me? I had a hard time believing he explained the entire situation to the girl he had made an "emotional connection" with, and even if he had, I wasn't ok with it. I wasn't ok with him telling me he wanted to kiss me only to say that he had someone else in line. He may have thought I started it, and maybe I did to some extent, but he is the one who got in the chair with me. Granted, that is where he had been sitting, but it wasn't like there was a lack of available chairs and he had to sit in it with me and bury his lips in my hair. It felt like a nasty trick, and I didn't understand why he thought it was ok. It wasn't ok with me.
I was ready to move on though. I was ready to stop fantasizing about seeing him or having him appear at my doorstep. I was ready to stop clicking open his window on my chat, wondering if he tried to talk to me and I missed it or say something in return. He clearly had moved on from me, and didn't want me in his life. He had done a fair job of ignoring me entirely. So I had to move on. I had to get him out of my head, I had to forget, even if I was doing it by myself. That would be healthy for me in the end.
Good riddance January. I have said my farewells to you.
Welcome February, you have to be better. There's no way you could be worse.
I sometimes end with quotes from songs, and today I decided to put down a couple that have been running through my head.

"Why do you keep comin' around, playing with my heart? Why don't you get out of my life, and let me make a new start? Let me get over you the way you've gotten over me. Set me free, why don't you babe, let me be why don't you babe. 'Cause you don't really love me, you just keep me hangin' on. You don't really want me, you just keep me hangin' on. You say although we broke up you still want to be just friends, but how can we still be friends when seeing you only breaks my heart again?"
~ Keep Me Hanging On by The Supremes

"Try to love me if you can. Are you strong enough to be my man? When I've shown you that I just don't care, when I'm throwing punches in the air, when I'm broken down and I can't stand, would you be man enough to be my man? Lie to me, I promise I'll believe. Lie to me, but please don't leave."
~ Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow

"Welcome to the real world, she said to me, condescendingly. Take a seat, take your life, plot it out in black and white. Well, I never lived the life of the prom kings and the drama queens. I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve. Enough to tell you stay inside the lines. But something's better on the other side."
~ No Such Thing by John Mayer

"All the way to Jackson, I don't think I'll miss you much. All the way to Jackson, I don't think I'll miss you much. Once I get to Lafayette, I'm not going to mind one little bit. Once I get to Lafayette, I won't mind one little bit. Once I get to Baton Rouge, I won't cry a tear for you. Once I get to Baton Rouge, I won't cry a tear for you."
~ Jackson by Lucinda Williams