Humanity

My life....felt a little disorganized right now. Maybe the long weekend had created a drain on my brain but....
I had had a lot of ups and downs this weekend. That was hard for me to understand because...honestly? How can your mood vary so frequently?
Thinking about him was...well, it wasn't painful. It was just...empty and sad. It was another chapter in my life, one I felt like I was just trying to forget and close off. My head was already moving on to the next thing. It wanted to put as much distance with those memories as it could. It would not see me sad again. It WOULD NOT see me reduced to the sadness I had been in before. That simply was...too sad.
Thinking about the other him was anything but less complicated. I didn't like this false sense of dependency returning. The need to have him validate me. So I shut that off as well. And with so many things getting shut off, what was I really feeling anymore?
I thought about him saying how I had wanted him to read my blog when we were together, as sort of a passive aggressive way to state my complaints. And I sort of thought that was true. But did I actually want him to read them? Probably not.
I mean, I wanted to put them out there, but I didn't necessarily think I wanted to hurt people. I wanted to express how I felt in the endless sea of html.
I still went back. I still checked his page, I still wanted to know what he was up to, even if he hated me and cared nothing for me now. And the need seemed...unfounded. The pain seemed distant. My life felt separate from me in these moments.
And all this didn't seem to make sense. It felt disorganized and random. It felt unreal. Surreal if you well.
I'm sure I'm not making any sort of sense.
I was watching this documentary, called "This Emotional Life." It was interesting. All the while talking about how we needed human relationships in our lives.
That struck me as odd, because everyone around me was telling me how to be happy I had to find it in myself, I had to be individual, I had to strive on my own.
But clearly, this documentary said quite the opposite. It said we needed human relationships to be happy.
And maybe I needed to be happy without a guy, but it seemed to state that I couldn't be happy without other people. Scientific evidence to boot.
It meant this longing I felt for human connection was normal.
The documentary also had another section about facing our fears.
It talked about sadness and depression. When sadness becomes prolonged, that is depression and that's not normal. I was sure without a doubt that I had experienced prolonged sadness in my lifetime. The thing is, I didn't want to solve it with medication or therapy. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted those human bonds, but I felt like I was craving the wrong ones or going about them the wrong way? No. That can't be right. Because sometimes I felt happy. Most times I felt happy. It was just sadness was so reoccurring and so hard for me to deal with. The documentary said this emotion was normal, but I didn't like it.
I wanted to stop my loneliness.
I tell you a fear I have, straight out. I have felt love. Most passionate love. But now that it's gone...I worry. Will I ever feel like that again? This documentary also had something to say about that. We, as human beings, have a problem. If we feel the need for something, or have felt something and don't feel it now, it occupies our brains, and our anxiety runs rampant. We can't imagine there will be a time where we won't feel like we feel right now. In my case, lonely. Without that wonderful feeling of love.
People believe you will always find love. But how can you say that? How can you know? I fear I will never love so deeply, and in turn never be loved as deeply back. Am I crazy?
Or human?
I hope to find solace in myself, but I just don't know if it's there.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/