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The walk was cold, the water was cold.
And the going...a little rough.
I had muscle memory of this activity, but my muscles protested a little. I hadn't swam in far too long. But I liked the rush of the cold water past my body, in its streamlined position. I bobbed my head and flipped my feet. I might as well have been born a dolphin. This is something I found joy in.
It would take a while before I could really enjoy it, until I could feel the sheer power behind my limbs. I did a length of butterfly, just to see how it would feel. The last couple of yards were hard--my arms gave way, and didn't want to pull themselves out of the water. But I made it to the wall.
I needed to lift weights, so my arms had power. I needed to swim, so I could feel that exhilarating strength again. The feeling of being untouchable and free.
When I looked at him, I didn't see the same person I had seen a year ago. I didn't feel the attraction take me over. I still cared about him deeply, I felt a love, but not the same nature of love. For the first time in a long time, I wanted him to be well. In my mind I made a silent wish that life would treat him well. Part of me still didn't want him to find better than me, but another part of me knew that our relationship those months ago had run it's course and we were both going to have to be ready to take on the world ourselves.
I was glad we were friends, for once in our lives. We were on the same side again, and I wasn't fighting a war against him anymore. I didn't have a personal vendetta against him, and that was mildly refreshing.
It was nice to feel at peace with these things in my life. Other parts weren't there yet, but I decided I would just let them be, for one day maybe I wouldn't be so hurt and it wouldn't matter that the most cruel words I had ever heard directed at my person passed between lips I had once kissed. One day, much like today, maybe I could forgive, maybe I could see how silly this all had been, and maybe, just maybe, one day we could be friends again.
I looked at my life and knew I was on my own. I knew I had to make this life for me, myself.
"My God, it takes an ocean of trust, takes an effort it does. My God, it takes an ocean of trust, in the Kingdom of Rust."
~ Kingdom of Rust by Doves