Write Write Write

no no no.
This couldn't be happening.
Maybe because I had tried to put it behind me, or think about anything but that, now, when I allowed myself the time to think, he caught up with me.
It seemed like a lot of things were catching up with me lately.
I was overtaken by crippling loneliness. Everywhere I heard doors shutting. Shut shut shut. Doors on my heart, shutting infinitely, again and again, blue ones, about the size of a paperback book. Shut shut shut. Doors to see people. Big, dark, green ones, big as the door to my room. Shut shut shut. Doors to happiness. Big red ones with black handles about half the size of a normal door. Shut shut shut.
No one was around, no one could see me, no one could talk to me. The only person who could thought it was a bad idea. And maybe it was. But there was no one else. The loneliness was ripping my heart apart. Shred shred shred. I pulled my arms around my chest in the fetal position, tears blossoming in my eyes. The pressure in my upper body seemed to subside with the way I was situated. Cry cry cry. I was emotionally exhausted.
I turned on the mix I made for him, which helped and hurt. I saw him looking at me on the hill, the first time we did something, just us. I saw the setting sun in his green eyes. I heard the words he said, asking permission to kiss me. I felt his hand on my back, and saw the same gesture stroking his mother's back lovingly amidst the christmas decorations. I saw him for his sweetness, instead of his malice.
All this had caught up with me. I had sloughed it off, hoping to feel nothing, but it was back because I was back. Here. The same place I had been before.
Alone.
I had no comforts left to sustain me. I gave in to the sadness. I gave in to the loneliness. I gave in to the tears. I gave in to the hopelessness. I gave in to everything.
I became too tired to resist the vision of his eyes, alight with golden-red beams of fire. I buried myself in them and no longer resisted.
I buried myself in the pain, the longing, and the loss.
I was ready to lay open to my heart's wounds.