Night

I felt my words bursting at the seams. I wanted to say every word I knew would hurt him, loudly and many times.
But I didn't.
It's probably better that way.
He continued to hurt me. Maybe it had been my fault this time for talking to him, but I felt like he was angry with me for having to say sorry. I felt like he was angry at me for something I didn't do.
Did it ever occur to him, for one small moment, that I might need to rebound after dating him???? After he cut me off so quickly and succinctly, so unexpectedly and without much emotion. You don't get boyfriends when you rebounded. At least I didn't. So how could he think that was what he was?
I found my heart divided against itself. One part of me wanted to be compassionate and comfort him, tell him he was more important. The other part of me want to scream at him words of malice, for hurting me so badly. Neither side won this battle. In the end I uttered a feeble response, and then he was gone. I had genuinely cared about him, but I found myself trying to accommodate and hide these feelings at the same time. I talked to him because I cared. I hid them because I was hurt. In the end, all I could really do was list my grievances and wish for an apology.
He was so stubborn, and I knew he wouldn't really ever admit he was wrong save the once. But my heart was still leaking, and I was still trying to desperately patch it up. My emotions were scattered desolately.
I was trying to build a wall around my heart from him, but every time I started laying brick, I would glance over until finally I couldn't control myself and blurted something, knocking the wall to pieces.
I had to learn. I had to learn to let it go, so he couldn't hurt me anymore.
How could he think, that he had been replaced, when I so obviously couldn't hold myself together right now without him? When I kept letting him in to hurt me?
He wanted me to stop begging and making it hard, but he didn't want me to move on with my life. To me, I couldn't do one without the other. In order to be free of him, I needed to move on. I needed to start having a life on my own again. I knew he was angry, but he had jettisoned me. How could expect me not to survive?
I didn't want to be at the mercy of his wants and angers.
I wanted to move on with my life, and I was just making amends and trying to find some way to carry on.
How could he want to be so mean?
"Swing swing from the tangles of, my heart is crushed by a former love. Can you help me find a way to carry on again."
~ Swing Swing by All-American Rejects