Your Love Is Not a Weakness

In my chest, my heart swelled.
He asked me if I was drunk.
I wasn't. But I sure felt like it. Wow. The up, down, up, down was making me a little loopy. I'm sure the lack of sleep had something to do with it as well. My body was having a little trouble with these huge emotional exercises. In one moment I was dealing with the most intense sadness and loss, and the next I could be feeling enlightening hope and happiness. It wasn't that I was bipolar. It was just that really bad and really good things continued to happen over the course of the day, requiring the hairpin switch of a mood at a moment's notice.
Maybe this is part of the reason I felt so tired lately. I had been so emotionally and mentally stretched I couldn't focus anymore. I felt close to losing it.
I really had no other choice. I had to do what was best for everyone else. I couldn't even imagine not doing it. It made me feel nervous to wreck so many people's happiness. I knew what had to be done, and would do it the moment it was asked. I would cry, long, and pine. But it would be right.
The impending doom stifled my bristling hopefulness.
The conversation was so easy it was laughable. I couldn't believe what a lack of awkwardness there was. I mean, there was a teensy bit, but it was like we were friends to begin with. Never mind we knew nothing about each other. It just didn't seem so hard to talk to him, joke around. It seemed easy. I could barely avoid my normal behavior, which is always to give someone a tight, squeezing hug, or grabbing their shoulders or tickling. It was weird that a first date would feel this natural. And he looked so familiar...
And I felt no anxiety. No need to push anything, no need to make any moves. I was good with slow. Which was really weird for me. Usually at this point I would be anticipating, but a sense of calm overwhelmed me. I was content, right where I was. Right in this spot, just calm and chill. Tickled, but calm. It was nice. Not to feel the need to do something. And just let the world happen.
"Your love is not a weakness."
~ from the movie Doubt