Possibility

I was just not feeling dating lately.
At least not serious dating.
I had my friends, I had my school, I had my extracurriculars. I had never felt a cup quite so full as I had now, and it was refreshing to feel this way on my very own. I enjoyed be self-sufficient and celebrating my own accomplishments for myself. Knowing I did a good job and hard work, and it paid off. Knowing I didn't have anyone to please but myself. It was so liberating.
Dating gave me too much anxiety and too much doubt. Maybe now that I had learned to be self-sufficient I could handle it, but the state I had been in scared me. And I didn't feel capable of giving up that much of my heart and happiness right now.
I had loved, and for right now I was done.
I felt no connection to anyone like I had felt then. I felt like I was busy enough and fulfilled enough on my own. I was also very wary. My heart just didn't want top open up to any possibilities. It was more like it wanted possibilities, but it didn't want to pursue any of them.
I felt little hands signaled by my brain pushing on my heart, trying to get it to beat out of my chest, but my heart didn't want to. It squirmed, complained, and scrunched like a small child using a parent as a buoy, trying to retreat into the inner cavity of my chest. It wasn't budging and my brain knew it, as frustrated as it was.
I had felt the need to just have fun and be myself lately. I didn't want to sell my heart to the highest bidder. Squelch.
I didn't feel like a single suitor saw me the way I was. I had just hit the happiest time I had felt in a while, but not without sacrifice and pain. I wanted to hold onto it and be burdened by those who would try to leach it. I had made major progress, and it was not within my power to help someone who had been in the same position as I was, if I didn't know them well. I needed to find myself around people who were happy to keep my mood up. I couldn't afford a crash right now, and with my fragile emotional existence, I was afraid any interference would plummet me like a sinking stone in an algae born lake.
I just needed to be happy. For once in my life I needed to hold on my little sliver of cloud.
"You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin or a cardboard stand up and paint me any face you wanted me to be seen with."
~ You Don't Know Me by Ben Fold feat. Regina Spektor