What I Lack

I about lost it in that moment.
She was here. She wasn't significant to me, aside from the fact that she had been part of my former life. And now she was here, where I could hear her. And it nearly toppled me over. I felt all strength in me drain down my fingertips.
I was, in that moment, blind. I couldn't see. My eyes became foggy of their own accord, and it was extremely scary. My head was too clouded to allow any thought, it was like pea soup up there. It was almost like I was really tired while still feeling out of control at the same time. I didn't want her here. But I couldn't kick her out.
I felt a shiver run up and down my spine. I felt something in my stomach jump up my throat. I felt a burning hatred and paralyzation like I had almost never felt before. Why was it like this, just to have her here?
Something was wrong with me, and that something wasn't going away.
The day had been fraught with thoughts of him. Even in the visiting another, stepping into his parallel universe, the thoughts plagued me, and made me realize how unhappy I was with myself. Why didn't I love who I was? Why did I let other people determine my value?
There seemed to be no easy answer to that question, and although I knew I need to move on, I was scared to.
Scared to get better. Hmmm. That was a weird concept.
I was so tired. Too tired to think, too tired to try, to tired to live.
So broken and tired of love.