Over The Spaghetti

Oh My God.
This I thought to myself as I cried over the plate of angel hair with olive oil and parmesan cheese that I had just made for dinner.
It shouldn't have to feel this way.
This I knew, and yet, this I ignored.
I thought about all the things that made me most upset. I thought about how he canceled our plans to go out with other people on Wednesday night and how that made me feel like I wasn't important to him. I thought about how much he missed his ex-girlfriend and how that made me feel inadequate, and I thought about how that made me wish I was what he wanted. In my heart I had no idea whether he did or not. Or maybe I was just too afraid to admit what my heart already knew. If I didn't say so out loud, it wasn't true.
I thought about what Ryan said. "Some people just can't do relationships."
I burst into tears as if on cue. How could something like that be true, if I still felt like this about him?
Sabrina said I needed to ditch him.
I loved her, and maybe a note rang true in what she had said, but I couldn't do it.
She asked me if it was worth it to put up with this for a month.
I wanted to believe it was.
In my head, I reasoned to myself, if we can make it through this one month happily, it will all be worth it. I don't want to hate him before he leaves. I don't want to have bad memories. I don't want to feel like everything was fake. I didn't want to feel like another failed attempt at him recreating his feelings for Anna.
Yet this was how it felt right now.
So I hung on desperately, sitting alone in the kitchen, crying over my spaghetti. Sniffling quietly and hoping something good would come of this.
Hoping nothing bad would happen anymore.