Whispers in the Dark

I am not going to lie.
There are days when I wonder if getting back together with him was the right choice.
Life feels...so different now. More than ever I feel the insecurity closing in on me, thinking that I'm just an accessory to his life, just this mindless need that really, he could just do without and not someone important in his life.
Someone asks me how things are going. I pause a moment before saying things are good. Things aren't bad. It's just...I want to say things are ok. But I don't. Because I know that their next question will be: "Why just ok?"
Things haven't been as good as they used to be. But I guess that's just all in the perspective. Before I didn't care about skipping class or not studying...now I felt the pain of those things. I felt my life as I made bad decisions. But I didn't feel as in love with him as I did. I didn't feel faith in him caring about me. I felt like an annoyance. Well, maybe I wouldn't go that far. But I felt like a nice accessory. Something you take out of the drawer and wear, use when you want to.
I kept my annoyances to myself because I knew what everyone else would say.
They would tell me I would have to deal. Because I got back with him. They would take it as a sign that they were right about him and I was wrong. Which I didn't want to believe. The thought of breaking up (dare I even say it aloud) made me want to curl up and die.
I cared about him. I just wanted to know he cared as much about me. I wanted him to do something romantic like he used to, when he was trying desperately to win my heart. I was a hopeless romantic and it showed. I got into people's heads and tried my best to find sweet things to do for them, things they needed and would appreciate, things they would see as an extra cute effort.
Like his birthday coming up. I wanted to do something super special. Lots of things swam through my head, all of them equally fabulous, at least I thought.
And I wanted to know he had stop caring about her.
That girl who had given me trouble from the start.
Because remnants her always tended to pop up and they made me feel small.
It was like I was waiting for them to show up, because they always did.
And they always made me feel miserable.
Hold me close, and whisper to me in the dark all the things I want the most to hear.
Love me instead.