Recurring Thoughts

He entered my thoughts more often than normal these days.
Maybe it was because it was becoming increasingly possible that by some chance occasion I would see him. I still had no idea if he still worked at Dimple Dell, because it was entirely possible he was a firefighter and didn't work as a lifeguard and swim teacher anymore.
I cringed at the thought of his touch, remembering all too well how shocking it had been, how brazen and shameless he had been, his hands on me. Perhaps I had encouraged him--I didn't want to be a lamb anymore, perfectly innocent and defenseless, unknowing of the world around me. But at the same time he was completely insolent when words left me and I could not express how completely deep the water was for me, and how much it scared me.
That was the past though. Now I just wondered: Would I see him again? And if I did, under what circumstances? I found myself fantasizing about having Max there, flaunting that in a little less than a month I had found a happy, healthy relationship with a man who cared for me. With (by just a tiny bit) more hair than he had! (It was close, you won't believe it.)
Would I see him in Sandy? Would his car pass mine? Would I hike with Max and just happen to run into him and his buddies? Would I see him at work? Did he work there anymore? I found myself entrenched in this morbid curiosity. I just...wanted to prove I had risen above him, that he held no power over me, and that I was better off without him. Was that so bad?
I feared and yet felt indifferent to his judgment, if that made any sense. It would take maybe a week to figure out if he still haunted the building that was Dimple Dell. I would see, I suppose.
I amazed myself as I thought of him. I had been WAY too good for him. And yet I had felt myself struggling to please him, struggling to make him want me. Why had I tried so hard for someone who didn't deserve me? I thought back on his appearance, his manner, his politics, and his personality. I thought of his intelligence. I couldn't help but laugh at all these things. He had dropped out of college, was republican, 26 with barely enough hair to cover his head, was disrespectful to all those around him, especially his mother, and in general, was a loser. What had I been thinking? That he had said he liked me I suppose. This made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
And I was proud. Because aside from wondering if he was around, I didn't really care if he wanted me back. I could stand tall without him, but I had proven that 9 months ago when I stood up and shut him down, showed him for what he was.
And I was proud of myself for going back, despite how he had wronged me. I had grown.
And the thoughts of him wilted, and would eventually disappear.