Wading through the Surreality

I was just thinking I could do this.
Then I had to see you.
It was fine. I ignored you, I didn't make eye contact, I monitored where you were so I could talk loudly but never be alone around you. I made sure my eyes lingered no longer than absolutely necessary.
And I wanted to call you a whore.
This just didn't feel real. I felt like life was happening, but I wasn't part of it. I felt like the last year with you didn't happen. Didn't exist. It was fake.
I found out you had flirted with girls when we were still together, lied to me completely about when you were really leaving, and seemed to be uncaring anyways.
I could have no positive thoughts about you whatsoever.
Everything seemed fake and unreal.
I felt like I was living life now in a haze. I was happy at times, but very lost. I was wandering through the smog of my life, tripping amongst the underbrush, trying to find high ground.
My curiosity killed me, but I stayed far away. I tried to keep my life going, no matter how misdirected it felt.
I wanted you to leave so badly I could scream.
I wanted you to not exist, like I felt our time together didn't.
I wanted you to be hurt.
I wanted you to be alone.
I wanted you to cry.
I wanted you to die, at least in a way, for me.
Because even an apology, even making up to me, seemed so infinitely fake and impossible and insincere.
You had always been insincere.
I needed sincerity in my life, because I am a sincere person.
You were nothing.