Ticking Clock

I felt like I was missing out on life.
But what else did people want me to do?
I couldn't help but check. It was like he had planned it, like he knew how to hurt me worst. It wasn't like it didn't mean anything, and that I was reading too much into it.
He was sending a message.
It made me cry.
Well, I wanted to cry.
I was back to being me. The one he didn't end up wanting. Except now, I was just a notch in his stick. A fond memory that didn't ever really mean anything. He had moved on that quickly and was putting himself back out there for the taking.
I wasn't special enough for even a month of sadness or getting over.
I was worthless.

Solitude at the Lab Bench

I sat there lost in the busy work.
Makes wells in gel. Fill wells with dyed DNA fragments. Run gels with electric current. Feed mice. Label tubes. Input data. Fix data I just incorrectly entered. Stain gels. Photograph gels. Clean gel plates.
Everything was accurate and precise in science, everything that took time paid off somehow, whether it was in results or learning.
I felt the tension in my muscles from being held in such a stern position in eager concentration for so long. It was almost a relieving tension, although I ached. It was the tension and concentration of total and utter science.
But walking out of the lab, life was real again. I was back to everything else, that totally overshadowed my first semi-successful PCR, complete with bands!
I went back to being sad.
All I could think is, why doesn't this stop?? When does it end??? When will I be able to function normally again without being constantly reminded of my pain?
So I longed for the tension in my shoulders and the ache in my back.

Dripping Feta

Drip drip drip.
The feta was leaking.
Why did I feel so alone in this moment? Why did I feel so alone today? What was it that made me feel as if I couldn't be close to anyone at this time?
I felt so entirely shut off. Like someone had decided to turn the lights off without my permission. And then I found myself stumbling in the dark, running into closet doors and tripping over pairs of shoes wondering what the heck was going on.
I knew I had friends around me, but in this moment, for some strange reason, I felt as if none of them understood what I was going through. Or perhaps they did, but none of them truly honestly cared. I could ask nothing more of them except what they had already given, so I sat in silence as they laughed.
I wanted to laugh too.
It was so strange that my once best friend was entirely cut out of my life. One of the people with whom I shared everything- every feeling and touch, whisper and secret, joke and laugh. Although here was the catch.
He hadn't shared everything with me.
And even when he had, he hadn't divulged every detail. I was left to grasp in the dark, fuddling with my buttons. It was enough to get me walking and never want to look back.
Though I did eventually look back.
There was too much pain there, too much longing on my part. I wanted my best friend back, but because of circumstance and the fact that he couldn't bear to love me, I could no longer have him back.
I was nothing special to him, just another unfortunate bump in the road he would feel guilty about for a couple of days and then eventually move past.
Maybe my anger and sadness and loneliness was displaced. I didn't know where to put it, so I spread it to those around me. And when that only matters worse, I closed my eyes and hoped no one noticed when I shoved it into my broken, leaking feta container.

Take Back Your Taffy Puller

Oh my.
Please go away.
All these feelings that I'm feeling, go away. I didn't want to feel like this, like damaged goods. I didn't want to feel like I was ruined forever. And even though I knew this wasn't true...that's what it felt like now.
I tried to have a crush on someone else, just to give me something to think of. But it was impossible. There were plenty of cute guys for sure, but none of them really set off that spark.
I knew I would need time to heal. I just didn't want to take that time. I wanted that time to be already past.
I wanted to be happy and whole again.
Which, most might argue, I wasn't when I was with Max. And maybe I wasn't. But I felt closer then than I did now.
I was trying ok?
Stop pulling at my heart.

Drunken by Exhaustion

My friend told me I was acting weird, and I needed sleep. My brain searched for some answer, and I was telling it to do so, but I was having trouble getting it to start up.
I sat there sniffling at two in the morning.
All of a sudden all the sadness overwhelmed me. Seeing him had finally caught up with me.
I didn't want to be so sad and broken. I wanted to be happy and whole. But somehow I couldn't. I couldn't be happy and whole. So I sat with a friend in a small room crying soflty.
His arms came in around me quickly and tightly. The position at which he held me was awkward, but he didn't care. He pulled me into his arms as the tears rolled down my cheeks. It started out slow and silent, but my friend putting his arms around me soon encouraged the sobs out of me.
In my head, I thought all the days I was with my ex, every time I cried, he pulled his arms away from me, let go, or walked away. He had never pulled me in closer, as I was now being held, by someone who was just a friend. My friend understood more what I needed than my ex ever had.
Eventually the tears subsided, quieted by the warmth of loving arms.
I had people looking out for me in these sad times, even though I felt completely alone. It was these small moments sitting in the small room, playing cards in the coffee shop, that I found the strength to be ok, at least for the moment.
Time seemed to be skulking around, making me miserable. I just wanted this part of everything to be over and gone. I tried to will time faster. Will it away to a time when I would be happy and whole again.
A time when I could no longer feel so sad a lost.

Wading through the Surreality

I was just thinking I could do this.
Then I had to see you.
It was fine. I ignored you, I didn't make eye contact, I monitored where you were so I could talk loudly but never be alone around you. I made sure my eyes lingered no longer than absolutely necessary.
And I wanted to call you a whore.
This just didn't feel real. I felt like life was happening, but I wasn't part of it. I felt like the last year with you didn't happen. Didn't exist. It was fake.
I found out you had flirted with girls when we were still together, lied to me completely about when you were really leaving, and seemed to be uncaring anyways.
I could have no positive thoughts about you whatsoever.
Everything seemed fake and unreal.
I felt like I was living life now in a haze. I was happy at times, but very lost. I was wandering through the smog of my life, tripping amongst the underbrush, trying to find high ground.
My curiosity killed me, but I stayed far away. I tried to keep my life going, no matter how misdirected it felt.
I wanted you to leave so badly I could scream.
I wanted you to not exist, like I felt our time together didn't.
I wanted you to be hurt.
I wanted you to be alone.
I wanted you to cry.
I wanted you to die, at least in a way, for me.
Because even an apology, even making up to me, seemed so infinitely fake and impossible and insincere.
You had always been insincere.
I needed sincerity in my life, because I am a sincere person.
You were nothing.

Open Letter to You

I just wanted to say a few things to you that will never be said to your face because you are too much of a coward to say a word to me and I am not crawling back into your arms of my own accord.
Fuck you.
Now that we got that out of the way...
I am so angry at you, I could hit you. Multiple times. I am so hurt by you, I could cut. I am disappointed in you I could cry.
The funny thing is, I expected this and I couldn't believe it at the same time.
I dyed my hair because you didn't want me to.
I made out with our favorite awkward guy that has a crush on me. You know who I am talking about.
Not very many people around me liked how you treated me or how you treated girls in general.
You are relationship impaired.
Get a clue.
You are ridiculously abrasive and judgmental.
You don't have an ounce of the passion that I have, for anything.
I think about you every day without fail, hopefully that behavior will subside.
I want this part to be over, I want you to move. I want you to never be happy again. I want you to get yourself in order, and stop treating girls badly.
There were so many things I liked about you, but now every time I think about those things, it's tainted. It feels like you never meant anything you said.
In the end, I'll be better, even though I am sad for now and you don't care for one minute that you did this to me, and you aren't even sad.
I am ending this chapter on you. And not reading it again.