Waiting

I lay here in bed unable to fall back asleep after being unable to fall asleep the night before.
My heart is ripping itself inside out, while my stomach tries unsuccessfully to do party tricks. I don't understand the silence.
I left more than enough messages, so calling again would be shame. Who knows if you will answer anyways? But I do call again and still no answer.
It's too early to know. I guess your phone is turned off or on silent, but as to why, I have no answer, and my heart breaks with every unanswered ring.
I don't know what is happening or why you would do this. What explanation is there for this behavior? The worst part is, you provide no explanation.
So I don't know what to do except try to forget that I want you to call.

They're Gonna Get Ya

I lied.
I always lie.
Why do I always lie about my feelings?
Because I don't want people to tell me the solution I most fear.

"Lies lies lies, yeaaaah. They're goin to get ya. Lies Lies Lies yeaaah. They won't forget ya."

~Lies, cover by the Click Five

On the other side of the Glass

It's strange, how your perceptions of people can often be...changed.
How you can perceive people, and yet find that they are completely different.
I know it sounds cliche, but it is so weird to actually experience this feeling for yourself.
Like his roommate. I didn't know much about him, but what I did know convinced me that this guy was just too cool. Like he would look down upon me and who I was, and that he would have a good reason for doing so.
And although he might have still, just a little bit, it was strange to find out he is just as insecure as I am, and a good deal moodier...
Or how people I had crushed on in high school...I fell in love with who I thought they were, and since most of the time they were the quiet type, they never said a word to contradict my thoughts. Haha, what would I have done if they actually liked me back?
I wonder at how many times I have passed through the door to the other side, to see someone differently, to see them inside.
How many people I've missed out on.
How many people I've wasted my time with.
Who could have been a true friend and a real ally, given the chance.
I guess it's all perfect circumstance, and you have to look at whichever side of the looking glass that faces you, keeping in mind it is a reflection of your own thoughts, not theirs, and try to be open and forgiving, so they will let you on the other side.

Questions for You

Did your brother have his computer?
Why was your brother on so much more than you?
Did you forget my phone number?
Did you want to call me?
Did you remember I existed?
Why do you want to stay together when you move?
Will you ever love me?
Will you ever love me more than her?
Why did you stay with her for so long if she treated you badly?
Are you staying with me for the same reason?
Are you afraid you will look like a huge dick if you break up with me?
Are you going to even try to get a hold of me when you get back?
Are you willing to make a plan?
Do you know how lonely I was for two weeks?
Did it matter?
Why am I freaking out?
Is it justified?
This girl said that once a girl shows a little independence, the guy comes crawling back, but then once they are together again, the problems start again. Is that us?
How am I going to handle being away from you for months at a time?
What are you going to do to help me get over that?
Can we make it?

Heat and Flame

It's been awhile.
July has flown by so fast.
The sun beats down and I know someday these rays will cause me skin cancer. In the moments of space, that I trail off and find other thoughts, I fear. Only, I still perform well at my job.
I jumped in today. Twice. Both times someone else made it there first, but I made the situation known. It was I who was observant enough to see. It was also I who felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins, and the uncontrollable shaking that accompanied such a life or death moment. I was the hero in my head.
My fear had overtaken me. Two weeks, with only two emails, two very brief instant message conversations, and one short wall post. Did I mention one of those emails was exceptionally short? I knew that time was passing quickly and happily for him, but for me the days had been torture.
I began to question my ability to live with this for months, for two years, maybe longer.
I didn't believe I could do it with a fair amount of commitment and a plan.
In my heart I feared neither thing would come to fruition.
And so in the heat and sun I waited, inching myself closer to death.
Feeling alone, sleeping alone, living alone.
I felt disastrously like I had no one to turn to.
And it was this that scared me the most. Not for my own feelings, but for his reproach. I didn't want to give him any reason to give up on me.
As I feared he inevitably would.

Summer Spark

It wasn't like I was being dishonest...
With the smell of chlorine and sunscreen, I was back in the summer of flip-flops, top 40 stations, windows rolled down, music pumped. Long sunsets and swim suits ruled the day.
I was beginning to notice an extreme boost in confidence from my old self. Going over old emails and messages, I saw how much I had changed. I couldn't believe I had written some of those things...but I had. I was so...insecure.
The new confidence came with a new set of social rules. Suddenly, I had male attention. That was different...but I suppose when you are confident and chatty, something just...resonates. By no means was I the most adored girl in the world, or attracting super hotties (apparently just 13 year olds at the pool) but I was getting attention from unexpected places (and no, not just the 13 year olds). It was like I could just bask in the attention. By no means was I stringing these guys along (at least I hope I wasn't) but I was allowing them to pay attention to me. I could be chatty and confident without having to worry if they liked me or wanted to go out with me. I already had that base covered.
My favorite summer analogy applies here:
The days melted like twin cherry popsicles; sticky and sweet.
It wasn't my traditional summer by any means, but I liked how it felt. I could be a confident girl, and be free from worry. I could live in the world of summer. Albeit real possibility being gone, which was exciting but slightly stressful, I could have the summer days of my favorite novels. I could have them sticky and sweet.

Cold Defeat

I woke up this morning late, feeling hopeless.
I was afraid the things I felt were apathy, sinking in slowly. I waited to hear from him all day and the phone remained silent and still. I guess I still had the greater part of the day, but it still felt unlikely and cold, even in the heat of summer.
I had a brief moment where I thought about how I would feel if I were single. I wondered to myself, would I be horribly crushed? My sneaking suspicion was that I would be fine, even happier not to have to worry if he chose to speak to me every day, to wonder if he was thinking about me, the constant fear that he didn't really want to be with me because of me.
Would the apathy sink in and our lives merely become a series of motions, feeling obligated not to hurt the other?
Maybe it was because he was away. Maybe because I didn't see him, I felt this way. I wanted to stop worrying if he cared.