Heat and Flame

It's been awhile.
July has flown by so fast.
The sun beats down and I know someday these rays will cause me skin cancer. In the moments of space, that I trail off and find other thoughts, I fear. Only, I still perform well at my job.
I jumped in today. Twice. Both times someone else made it there first, but I made the situation known. It was I who was observant enough to see. It was also I who felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins, and the uncontrollable shaking that accompanied such a life or death moment. I was the hero in my head.
My fear had overtaken me. Two weeks, with only two emails, two very brief instant message conversations, and one short wall post. Did I mention one of those emails was exceptionally short? I knew that time was passing quickly and happily for him, but for me the days had been torture.
I began to question my ability to live with this for months, for two years, maybe longer.
I didn't believe I could do it with a fair amount of commitment and a plan.
In my heart I feared neither thing would come to fruition.
And so in the heat and sun I waited, inching myself closer to death.
Feeling alone, sleeping alone, living alone.
I felt disastrously like I had no one to turn to.
And it was this that scared me the most. Not for my own feelings, but for his reproach. I didn't want to give him any reason to give up on me.
As I feared he inevitably would.