The lights were dimmed, the tables were cozy. Soft music was tinkling somewhere in the background as we sat down. We were all on each other's nerves at this point.
The food came and I was saddened by how fast it filled me. The richness and spice warmed my entire body, and soon everyone was joking and laughing.
A more upbeat eastern tune came on and immediately I found myself bouncing up and down a little. It was happy music, just like boba tea was the happy drink.
I liked us much better warm and fed.
The treasured left overs were handed to me and I coveted them. At this point I looked down to notice that the table had a glass plate on it, over the red and gold tablecloth, a style most eastern restaurants liked to follow.
We were all so happy, full of food. Full of magic food.
I would have to remember to come back here.
Good food solves almost every problem.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Cuban Revolver
The water was so warm and relaxing. Then I pulled the plug.
As the water drained, I stayed in the tub and felt it leave my body. It reminded me of The Princess Bride.
"Instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life." ~ Count Rugen
The pull was draining me. It did feel a little like it was sucking something from my body. I was slightly disturbed but more intrigued than anything. I let it suck the life from me, lowering, pulling my life down the drain.
Today just felt...tired. I was suffering death by cuban revolver.
A cuban revolver is a coffee drink with six shots of expresso in it and a touch of vanilla. I literally thought I was going to have a heart palpatation.
I realized *maybe* why they named it that. The boy sitting next to me tasted it and said it tasted like a cigar. I just thought it tasted like coffee, except I've never tasted a cigar. Hence the cuban part. And six shots. Revolvers had six bullets, hence six "shots." Clever. A cuban revolver.
My chest felt funny the entire night. I knew my heart was beating too fast. My mind was aching for sleep but my body felt as if I had stuck my finger in a socket.
I felt drunk, but instead of moving slower, the world was moviing faster, so time seemed to pass in dragging phases. That may not make sense, but your actions feel slower drunk, so time flies, right? Opposite effect with caffeine. I couldn't stop giggling.
We climbed in the car and I knew.
I had a weakness for really smooth, sexy cars. Cars that never second guessed, cars you could feel the power radiating from. Car that were smooth on the inside, full of darkness and mystery. Cars I wish I was riding next to the driver, him wanting me there in the front seat.
Sexy cars.
What a terrible, terrible weakness. Stupid mustang...
That night sleep didn't come easy, and I felt jittery when I woke up. The sleep was shallow and anxious. I felt the sickness collide with me instantly upon waking.
I suffered death by cuban revolver.
As the water drained, I stayed in the tub and felt it leave my body. It reminded me of The Princess Bride.
"Instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life." ~ Count Rugen
The pull was draining me. It did feel a little like it was sucking something from my body. I was slightly disturbed but more intrigued than anything. I let it suck the life from me, lowering, pulling my life down the drain.
Today just felt...tired. I was suffering death by cuban revolver.
A cuban revolver is a coffee drink with six shots of expresso in it and a touch of vanilla. I literally thought I was going to have a heart palpatation.
I realized *maybe* why they named it that. The boy sitting next to me tasted it and said it tasted like a cigar. I just thought it tasted like coffee, except I've never tasted a cigar. Hence the cuban part. And six shots. Revolvers had six bullets, hence six "shots." Clever. A cuban revolver.
My chest felt funny the entire night. I knew my heart was beating too fast. My mind was aching for sleep but my body felt as if I had stuck my finger in a socket.
I felt drunk, but instead of moving slower, the world was moviing faster, so time seemed to pass in dragging phases. That may not make sense, but your actions feel slower drunk, so time flies, right? Opposite effect with caffeine. I couldn't stop giggling.
We climbed in the car and I knew.
I had a weakness for really smooth, sexy cars. Cars that never second guessed, cars you could feel the power radiating from. Car that were smooth on the inside, full of darkness and mystery. Cars I wish I was riding next to the driver, him wanting me there in the front seat.
Sexy cars.
What a terrible, terrible weakness. Stupid mustang...
That night sleep didn't come easy, and I felt jittery when I woke up. The sleep was shallow and anxious. I felt the sickness collide with me instantly upon waking.
I suffered death by cuban revolver.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Your Love Is Not a Weakness
In my chest, my heart swelled.
He asked me if I was drunk.
I wasn't. But I sure felt like it. Wow. The up, down, up, down was making me a little loopy. I'm sure the lack of sleep had something to do with it as well. My body was having a little trouble with these huge emotional exercises. In one moment I was dealing with the most intense sadness and loss, and the next I could be feeling enlightening hope and happiness. It wasn't that I was bipolar. It was just that really bad and really good things continued to happen over the course of the day, requiring the hairpin switch of a mood at a moment's notice.
Maybe this is part of the reason I felt so tired lately. I had been so emotionally and mentally stretched I couldn't focus anymore. I felt close to losing it.
I really had no other choice. I had to do what was best for everyone else. I couldn't even imagine not doing it. It made me feel nervous to wreck so many people's happiness. I knew what had to be done, and would do it the moment it was asked. I would cry, long, and pine. But it would be right.
The impending doom stifled my bristling hopefulness.
The conversation was so easy it was laughable. I couldn't believe what a lack of awkwardness there was. I mean, there was a teensy bit, but it was like we were friends to begin with. Never mind we knew nothing about each other. It just didn't seem so hard to talk to him, joke around. It seemed easy. I could barely avoid my normal behavior, which is always to give someone a tight, squeezing hug, or grabbing their shoulders or tickling. It was weird that a first date would feel this natural. And he looked so familiar...
And I felt no anxiety. No need to push anything, no need to make any moves. I was good with slow. Which was really weird for me. Usually at this point I would be anticipating, but a sense of calm overwhelmed me. I was content, right where I was. Right in this spot, just calm and chill. Tickled, but calm. It was nice. Not to feel the need to do something. And just let the world happen.
"Your love is not a weakness."
~ from the movie Doubt
He asked me if I was drunk.
I wasn't. But I sure felt like it. Wow. The up, down, up, down was making me a little loopy. I'm sure the lack of sleep had something to do with it as well. My body was having a little trouble with these huge emotional exercises. In one moment I was dealing with the most intense sadness and loss, and the next I could be feeling enlightening hope and happiness. It wasn't that I was bipolar. It was just that really bad and really good things continued to happen over the course of the day, requiring the hairpin switch of a mood at a moment's notice.
Maybe this is part of the reason I felt so tired lately. I had been so emotionally and mentally stretched I couldn't focus anymore. I felt close to losing it.
I really had no other choice. I had to do what was best for everyone else. I couldn't even imagine not doing it. It made me feel nervous to wreck so many people's happiness. I knew what had to be done, and would do it the moment it was asked. I would cry, long, and pine. But it would be right.
The impending doom stifled my bristling hopefulness.
The conversation was so easy it was laughable. I couldn't believe what a lack of awkwardness there was. I mean, there was a teensy bit, but it was like we were friends to begin with. Never mind we knew nothing about each other. It just didn't seem so hard to talk to him, joke around. It seemed easy. I could barely avoid my normal behavior, which is always to give someone a tight, squeezing hug, or grabbing their shoulders or tickling. It was weird that a first date would feel this natural. And he looked so familiar...
And I felt no anxiety. No need to push anything, no need to make any moves. I was good with slow. Which was really weird for me. Usually at this point I would be anticipating, but a sense of calm overwhelmed me. I was content, right where I was. Right in this spot, just calm and chill. Tickled, but calm. It was nice. Not to feel the need to do something. And just let the world happen.
"Your love is not a weakness."
~ from the movie Doubt
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Possibility
I was just not feeling dating lately.
At least not serious dating.
I had my friends, I had my school, I had my extracurriculars. I had never felt a cup quite so full as I had now, and it was refreshing to feel this way on my very own. I enjoyed be self-sufficient and celebrating my own accomplishments for myself. Knowing I did a good job and hard work, and it paid off. Knowing I didn't have anyone to please but myself. It was so liberating.
Dating gave me too much anxiety and too much doubt. Maybe now that I had learned to be self-sufficient I could handle it, but the state I had been in scared me. And I didn't feel capable of giving up that much of my heart and happiness right now.
I had loved, and for right now I was done.
I felt no connection to anyone like I had felt then. I felt like I was busy enough and fulfilled enough on my own. I was also very wary. My heart just didn't want top open up to any possibilities. It was more like it wanted possibilities, but it didn't want to pursue any of them.
I felt little hands signaled by my brain pushing on my heart, trying to get it to beat out of my chest, but my heart didn't want to. It squirmed, complained, and scrunched like a small child using a parent as a buoy, trying to retreat into the inner cavity of my chest. It wasn't budging and my brain knew it, as frustrated as it was.
I had felt the need to just have fun and be myself lately. I didn't want to sell my heart to the highest bidder. Squelch.
I didn't feel like a single suitor saw me the way I was. I had just hit the happiest time I had felt in a while, but not without sacrifice and pain. I wanted to hold onto it and be burdened by those who would try to leach it. I had made major progress, and it was not within my power to help someone who had been in the same position as I was, if I didn't know them well. I needed to find myself around people who were happy to keep my mood up. I couldn't afford a crash right now, and with my fragile emotional existence, I was afraid any interference would plummet me like a sinking stone in an algae born lake.
I just needed to be happy. For once in my life I needed to hold on my little sliver of cloud.
"You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin or a cardboard stand up and paint me any face you wanted me to be seen with."
~ You Don't Know Me by Ben Fold feat. Regina Spektor
At least not serious dating.
I had my friends, I had my school, I had my extracurriculars. I had never felt a cup quite so full as I had now, and it was refreshing to feel this way on my very own. I enjoyed be self-sufficient and celebrating my own accomplishments for myself. Knowing I did a good job and hard work, and it paid off. Knowing I didn't have anyone to please but myself. It was so liberating.
Dating gave me too much anxiety and too much doubt. Maybe now that I had learned to be self-sufficient I could handle it, but the state I had been in scared me. And I didn't feel capable of giving up that much of my heart and happiness right now.
I had loved, and for right now I was done.
I felt no connection to anyone like I had felt then. I felt like I was busy enough and fulfilled enough on my own. I was also very wary. My heart just didn't want top open up to any possibilities. It was more like it wanted possibilities, but it didn't want to pursue any of them.
I felt little hands signaled by my brain pushing on my heart, trying to get it to beat out of my chest, but my heart didn't want to. It squirmed, complained, and scrunched like a small child using a parent as a buoy, trying to retreat into the inner cavity of my chest. It wasn't budging and my brain knew it, as frustrated as it was.
I had felt the need to just have fun and be myself lately. I didn't want to sell my heart to the highest bidder. Squelch.
I didn't feel like a single suitor saw me the way I was. I had just hit the happiest time I had felt in a while, but not without sacrifice and pain. I wanted to hold onto it and be burdened by those who would try to leach it. I had made major progress, and it was not within my power to help someone who had been in the same position as I was, if I didn't know them well. I needed to find myself around people who were happy to keep my mood up. I couldn't afford a crash right now, and with my fragile emotional existence, I was afraid any interference would plummet me like a sinking stone in an algae born lake.
I just needed to be happy. For once in my life I needed to hold on my little sliver of cloud.
"You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin or a cardboard stand up and paint me any face you wanted me to be seen with."
~ You Don't Know Me by Ben Fold feat. Regina Spektor
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Red
Here are some things that make my face red. Or at least pink up my cheeks:
1. Working out.
2. Compliments in public.
3. Alcohol
4. Feeling outed
5. Spicy food
6. Wearing too many clothes
7. Someone saying something inappropriate to me who isn't a close friend.
8. Someone saying something innappropriate to me that isn't a joke.
9. Having to admit things.
10. Fever
11. Infection
12. Coming inside after being out in the cold
13. Saying something stupid
14. Crying
15. Feeling Like I want to cry
1. Working out.
2. Compliments in public.
3. Alcohol
4. Feeling outed
5. Spicy food
6. Wearing too many clothes
7. Someone saying something inappropriate to me who isn't a close friend.
8. Someone saying something innappropriate to me that isn't a joke.
9. Having to admit things.
10. Fever
11. Infection
12. Coming inside after being out in the cold
13. Saying something stupid
14. Crying
15. Feeling Like I want to cry
Waking Up
New Playlist my friends. It's odd, I made these a year or two ago (depending) and I am falling in love with them all over again.
Waking Up
1. Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel
2. Brand New Day by Sting
3. Don't Know Why by Norah Jones
4. Brown-Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
5. Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irgslova
6. 3X5 by John Mayer
7. Baby, It's Fact by Hellogoodbye
8. The Forecast by Jason Mraz
9. My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
10. Who Let You Go? by the Killers
11. Lucy by The Black Crowes
12. American Girl by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
13. Time to Pretend by MGMT
14. Seasons of Love from Rent
15. All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow
16. Kids by MGMT
17. Sunrise by Norah Jones
18. Games Without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel
19. Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) by Quindon Tarver
20. Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
21. Must Get Out by Maroon Five
Enjoy :)
Waking Up
1. Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel
2. Brand New Day by Sting
3. Don't Know Why by Norah Jones
4. Brown-Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
5. Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irgslova
6. 3X5 by John Mayer
7. Baby, It's Fact by Hellogoodbye
8. The Forecast by Jason Mraz
9. My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
10. Who Let You Go? by the Killers
11. Lucy by The Black Crowes
12. American Girl by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
13. Time to Pretend by MGMT
14. Seasons of Love from Rent
15. All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow
16. Kids by MGMT
17. Sunrise by Norah Jones
18. Games Without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel
19. Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) by Quindon Tarver
20. Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
21. Must Get Out by Maroon Five
Enjoy :)
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Down
Playlist of the Day. I am having a soul searching time right now.
Down
1. No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown
2. Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
3. Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
4. My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
5. Not Myself by John Mayer
6. For Reasons Unknown by The Killers
7. Read My Mind by The Killers
8. You Belong to Me by Jason Wade
9. Absolutely Zero by Jason Mraz
10. You Don't Know Me (featuring Regina Spektor) by Ben Folds
11. I'm Not That Girl From Wicked
12. No Good Deed From Wicked
13. Chemistry of a Car Crash by Shiny Toy Guns
14. Far Far by Yael Naim
15. Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Quindon Tarver
16. Love On the Rocks by Sara Bareilles
17. How to Save a Life by The Fray
18. Look What You've Done by JET
19. Caring Is Creepy by The Shins
20. Blue Eyes by the Cary Brothers
21. Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band
22. Don't Know Why by Norah Jones
Down
1. No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown
2. Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
3. Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
4. My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
5. Not Myself by John Mayer
6. For Reasons Unknown by The Killers
7. Read My Mind by The Killers
8. You Belong to Me by Jason Wade
9. Absolutely Zero by Jason Mraz
10. You Don't Know Me (featuring Regina Spektor) by Ben Folds
11. I'm Not That Girl From Wicked
12. No Good Deed From Wicked
13. Chemistry of a Car Crash by Shiny Toy Guns
14. Far Far by Yael Naim
15. Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Quindon Tarver
16. Love On the Rocks by Sara Bareilles
17. How to Save a Life by The Fray
18. Look What You've Done by JET
19. Caring Is Creepy by The Shins
20. Blue Eyes by the Cary Brothers
21. Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band
22. Don't Know Why by Norah Jones
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